Love Is Strong But We're Falling Apart
by Klaine-Blurt
Summary: When Blaine and Kurt have been married for 8 years and have two children together 5 year old Thomas Burt Hummel-Anderson and 2 year old Elizabeth Marie Hummel-Anderson. What happens when Kurt feels like his world is falling apart because his husband is so distant. Can he keep going when the worry that Blaine is cheating on him starts to crawl in? Will they be able to work through
1. 1: Left To Do It On My Own Again

So this is a new fic of mine that I am writing for a friend, who has said she is also happy for me to post the story on here. I have already got 5 chapters written and hope to be able to stay fair enough ahead to be able to post every Saturday until the story is complete. It is mainly written in first person from Kurt's POV. There my be the occasional chapter where the POV isn't Kurt's but I will make this clear. I love to read your reviews to know what you think of my stories, i hope you enjoy. I have changed this chapter slightly after getting back from my beta you may want to reread.

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As I look at my watch again I sigh. It's 7pm Blaine was meant to be home at 5.30 so we could eat dinner as a family. I don't know who I was kidding when I gave Thomas and Elizabeth theirs but didn't eat mine, convincing myself Blaine would soon be home. He hasn't been at a family dinner in two weeks. I'm sure Elizabeth wonders who he is at times, and I mean she's two, how is she meant to understand that her papa is hardly ever around. I also know it upsets Thomas more than he lets on, he tries to smile, but every time he draws a family picture I see his face drop every time he comes round to Blaine. I hear Elizabeth crying from the front room, and know I have to give in I can't keep her up any longer, just hoping Blaine can kiss her goodnight, or she will be over tired and never get to sleep. And unfortunately I have way too many designs to get finished. I sigh and walk from the kitchen to the living room; I'm definitely doing bedtime alone again tonight.

I smile at my children, Thomas is sitting on the floor trying to make his baby sister smile, I always have to just pause for a minute and remind myself that he is only five. I bend over and place a kiss atop of his head.

"You're a really good boy do you know that Thomas," he looks up at me hazel eyes sparking with the praise, yes he is definitely Blaine's, if the eyes didn't give it away the black mop of curls would. "How about daddy puts on the telly for you for ten minutes and I will take Elizabeth with me and run the two of you a bath?"

"Does that mean papa's almost here? He promised me this morning he would give me a bath," Thomas tells me with an ear-splitting smile on his face. It breaks my heart to know I am about to wash that away. I know all too well that Blaine promised him that this morning, but I'm the one that has to be bad and tell him his papa isn't here to bathe him once again.

"I'm sorry sweetie, I've not heard from papa, he must have got caught up rehearsing, so can daddy give you a bath? Then I will read you a story all to yourself once I get Elizabeth down?" Watching his face fall when he realises that Blaine has broken a promise to him again, hurts so much. It hurts so much more than all the promises he has broken to me. But to watch him break promises to our son, I wonder how much more I can really take. I didn't sign up to be a single father. I know we had Thomas fairly young, but we were both in good jobs and we didn't want to wait. We were both 23 and had been married two years. Having a child seemed to make everything so much more complete, back then anyway; now, nothing feels complete.

"Ok daddy, can I still watch the telly?" Thomas asks looking at me with those big hopeful eyes, and in a way that hurts more. He is so used to being let down by his own papa that he doesn't tell me I'm nasty and he doesn't cry, or scream or anything he just accepts it and asks to watch the telly. He gets on with it like he hasn't only seen his papa for about an hour all week.

"Course you can buddy, what do you want to watch?" I ask him, and I am tempted to let him watch telly for longer than the 10 minuets I promised, so I can get Elizabeth to bed, before I bath him, instead of bathing them together, just so he can have that quality time with at least one of his father's. I can't help but wonder at times, if the relationship Blaine had with his father is affecting his with our own children, but every time I bring it up he shouts down my throat that he's nothing like his dad. No he may not be a homophobic arsehole, a bit hard as that would mean hating himself but that doesn't stop him being distant, and not just from the kids but from me too. I close my eyes and focus on the children before the fears of him cheating again wash over me.

"Little Einstein's please daddy," Thomas says politely.

"Go on then kiddo, you know where the dvd is kept." I let him get it himself trying to take his mind off his absent papa, and it also allows me to turn my attention to Elizabeth who is sitting with Sophie her giraffe in her mouth. "Come here princess," I say going forward to scoop her up, before I'd even finished the sentence she held out her chubby little arms towards me. I pick her up and pop her on my hip after placing a kiss on top of her head too. I wait while Thomas puts his dvd, into the dvd player. I don't mind him doing it himself but I like to watch him. Then I tell him I am going to run the bath.

Ten minutes later and the bath is run, I peek my head into the living room to see Thomas smiling happily at the telly and I can't bear to pull him away, so I decide I will bathe Elizabeth on her own.

"Come on then let's get you in the bath, I wish papa was here to help you know Lizzie," I say quietly. I know I am talking to her but I'm talking just as much to myself or to anyone who might be out there to listen.

"Nu-uh," Elizabeth says shaking her head at me, brown hair swinging side to side, and blue eyes suddenly going a lot darker, yes she's mine, we decided we wanted them each to be one of ours. "Dada," she says, as while it makes me smile, hearing her saying my name, it makes me ache for her to be able to be the same with Blaine.

I undress Elizabeth and put her in the bubbly water and it makes her giggle, she loves her baths, it's why it's in her routine to have one every night. I can't help but laugh as she picks the bubbles up and places them on top of her head like a hat, before snapping her arms down back into the water, sending it flying everywhere; I smile and splash her back. It shows me just how much I've changed since becoming a father, because hello, these pants cost over $300, and they are only meant to be washed with certain detergent. But she's my daughter and worth more than anything in the world so I really don't care, if her splashing like she is now will keep that smile on her face. It doesn't take long before she's yawning and I'm not surprised. Her bath is late, in the hope Blaine would have been home. So I wash her hair before quickly getting her out. She is quickly dressed in her pj's and after me sing just one lullaby with her in my arms she's fast asleep. I lay her down gently, and kiss her goodnight, before switching on the baby monitor and going to join my son.

He is still engrossed in the telly, and it's a good job it's educational or I wouldn't be quite so happy. "Hey bud, I've bathed your sister already I thought me and you could have some special time together, are you ready for your bath?"

Thomas turns to look at me and I can tell he didn't even realised I'd entered the room until I spoke. "I don't think this episode has long to go, can I finish watching it first please daddy?" He hasn't faltered on his manners once yet tonight; it is something we introduced to him and Elizabeth at an early age, as my dad always says "manners cost nothing".

"Of course sweetie, daddy will just get a drink then he will sit with you until it finishes alright." I don't get an answer and Thomas is already to engrossed back in the telly. I walk into the kitchen and shut the door I don't really want to make a drink I want to ring Blaine. I pull out my phone and dial his number. It soon goes to answer phone but I leave a message.  
"Hi Blaine, it's me Kurt. I don't know why you're late home again, or why I didn't get a message and why you're not picking up your phone but Thomas is still awake. I delayed the baths in the hope you'd come home, he was really looking forward to you bathing him tonight. And once again I had to be the one to let him down, and tell him you weren't keeping your promise. So please if you get this, can you try and get home before he goes to sleep so you can at least give him a kiss goodnight. I miss you, we all miss you. I love you Blaine, see you when you're home." I hang up feeling worse than I did before. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths to stop myself from crying before joining my son in the living room. I sit on the sofa next to him, before helping him slide into my lap. He is soon cuddled up against me; with his head on my chest in a position to still allow him to see the telly.

I'm just content with holding him here on my lap, that is until he speaks; he is always so damn perceptive. "Don't be sad daddy, as you always tell me papa is just working so he can buy us all our nice things."

"Yes he is Thomas, daddy is just sad that the dinner is wasted when so many little boys and girls like you don't get to eat" Which is true but that isn't really why I'm sad. I am said because Blaine isn't home, and I'm said that Thomas has to use what I tell him to try and stop me being sad. I'm just glad he isn't old enough to realise I am in a job that pays more than his papa's. I wonder when this all happened, when Blaine became so distant. And I can't really pinpoint it because if it think honestly, it seems like it's been a gradual process. I try and keep my thoughts away from that and directed at the boy curled up on my lap right now, which is hard when he does look so much like Blaine. When the show ends I pick him up and begin to tickle him, allowing his laugh to wash over me, before hanging him over my shoulder and heading to the bathroom.

"I've got you now! You're my prisoner and I've decided you need a bath," I sing song to him, it's a game I know he loves playing, but that I don't do very often, as I'm always scared it too dangerous.

"Arrrh daddy, daddy, let me go," and I know he doesn't really want me to by the way he is laughing. I do however put him down once we get into the bathroom, and I help him undress. Yes he can do most of it by himself but it doesn't hurt to help him every now and again, he's still my baby after all.

We play happily with his toys in the bath, he has such an imagination and always wants me to join in with his games of pirates making the rubber duckies that belong to his sister walk the plank. This is one of the reasons I decided to bathe him alone tonight he can't play like this when they share a bath. I look at my watch and I'm shocked to see it's almost 8.30, so Thomas is already an hour late to bed. And I know I still have to read him that story I promised, and then I have at least 4 hours worth of designing to do myself. If that doesn't explain why I sometimes just want some help from Blaine I don't know what does. I mean it looks like I now won't getting to bed before 1am, and I know that I will most likely be up at 6am with Elizabeth, I love her but unlike her daddy she likes early mornings way too much. I know Thomas was the same at that age but I had so much more help from Blaine then.

"It's time to get out now if you want a story," I tell Thomas, bringing myself back from my own thoughts once again.

"Okay daddy," he says standing up. I grab a towel and wrap it round him as I pick him up from out of the bath. We go to his room, and he chooses to wear his power ranger pjs. He always gets to choose now he's that bit older. He chooses a story, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves; he likes Disney like both of his fathers. I sit next to him as he lies in bed reading in a position where he can see all the pictures.

"Good night Thomas," I say kissing his head once I've finished the story, "I love you. See you in the morning."

"Love you too daddy, and when papa gets home can you tell him I love him too?" he asked me, and I would never deny him that, even if not much else is spoken between Blaine and I when he gets home, I will be sure to tell him that. "Of course I will, goodnight." I say kissing his head a final time, as he turns over and snuggles with Maggie Thatcher dog, before heading out of his room turning the light out on the way, making sure I leave his door open so he can see the light from the hall way.

Once I'm far enough away from his room I sigh. I wonder where Blaine is. A few months ago I would have panicked if he was this late home, now however I'm far too used to it. I walk to my office and sit down at my desk; I have 3 designs all to finish for tomorrow. My work wasn't helped that Elizabeth somehow managed to get in the room today and scribble all over one of them so I have to start again.

I start working and I really don't know how long I'm there for before I hear the front door open. But I guess it must be a while as I have completed two of the designs and am just starting on the final one, the one that I have to restart from scratch. I look at my watch and I'm not surprised to see it's gone 11.

"Kurt," I hear Blaine call, why he can't just look at try and find where I am I don't know.

"In my office Blaine," I call back, "Please be quiet the children are sleeping."

It isn't long before he is walking into my office, "Sorry I'm late home, I got held up. I mean I know I promised I would help with bedtime tonight but one of my background singers can't work for a week and I don't want to have to wait that long to finish the song." If our children weren't in the house I would probably scream at him, instead I just remain calm and answer in my normal tone.

"I understand. A phone call would have been nice though. I mean Thomas thought you were giving him a bath tonight, and I had to let him down again Blaine. I even left you a message on your phone."

"I'm sorry I really am, I will get up with them in the morning. I promise." I know he probably won't. He sleeps like a log and hardly ever hears them but I agree all the same,

"Okay. Oh and Thomas said to say he loves you by the way."

"Okay, thank you Kurt. I'm going to get a drink my throat feels so dry from all the recording and kiss both the children goodnight, before heading to bed. Are you joining me?" he asks as if I'm the one who just got home six hours late not him.

"Go ahead I need to finish off these sketches, I didn't get time earlier." I don't saying it but I leave the 'because you weren't home on time,' floating in the air. What really hurts however is when he replies with a simple okay before turning and leaving the room without even offering me so much as a hug or a kiss, and then I can't stop my mind from running away. I wonder if maybe he is cheating on me again, no matter how distant he's been lately he's always made sure to give me a hug and a kiss before either one of us heads to bed. I stay in my thoughts while I continue with my design. I don't know when it happened but I must have fallen asleep at my desk and the next thing I remember is Elizabeth's soft whimpering coming over the baby monitor.


	2. 2: You Need To Talk To Him

Here is chapter 2, for those who read chapter 1 before this second chapter was up they may want to go back and read chapter 1 again, as i have altered after receiving back from my beta :D

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I swiftly go and get Elizabeth knowing that if her cries get much louder they will wake Thomas, and it's hard enough trying to have a shower with just Lizzie to keep an eye on without having to worry what Thomas is doing too. I don't have to worry about her waking Blaine however; he always sleeps like a log. And I know he will probably sleep until well after I have left to take Lizzie to day care and Thomas to kindergarten.

"Hey Lizzie," I say peeking my head around her bedroom door to see her standing in her cot, and we do really need to get the bars taken off that thing soon.

"Dada dada," she screams lifting her hands towards me, "pik up," she says not quite being able to pronounce it properly. I quickly scoop her up and turn off her monitor.

"Hello princess, will you be a good girl while daddy has a shower, and then we can get you some breakfast?" I ask. I know she may not completely understand all I'm saying but I like to talk to her even if it's just to increase the words she is able to speak.

"Toast, toast," she screams, wiggling in my arms, and I really hope she isn't loud enough to wake Thomas.

"Yes pumpkin, you can have toast." I peek my head into Thomas' room and am glad to see he is still fast asleep. I walk to the bathroom, grabbing some of Elizabeth's toys on the way. I place her on the floor and place to toys near her, before making sure the toilet lid is down, I do not fancy her playing in there. I am glad that we have a shower that will allow me to see her while I'm inside; I wouldn't feel as comfortable leaving her otherwise.

I shower quickly, forgoing all but the essential parts of my routine as I know it isn't fair on her to play in the bathroom for too long. I get out quickly and wrap my robe around myself, allowing me to pick Elizabeth up and place her to play in her play pen. People always say she would be fine playing in there while I have a shower too, but I can't bring myself to leave her awake in another room why I have a shower. I don't mind being in another room if I will be able to hear her but I know I won't while I'm having a shower. I rush off into mine and Blaine's room to get ready. I don't know why, but I make sure I'm quiet so as not to wake Blaine, who is still sleeping. Sometimes I really do wonder why I don't 'accidently' make noise so he wakes up and helps me with our children, but I'm always too kind to do so. I quickly find a suitable outfit to wear to work (I do work at after all), before quickly styling my hair so it's perfect before heading to the kitchen to start on breakfast.

I put Elizabeth's toast in the toaster before getting her out of her play pen and placing her in her highchair at the kitchen table. Just as I lay her toast on her tray, I hear little feet plodding up behind me and turn to see Thomas walking into the kitchen, clutching Maggie Thatcher dog like he does every morning, his hair looking very sleep mussed.

"Hey bud, what do you want for breakfast? We need to be quick this morning as daddy needs to get you to kindergarten and Elizabeth to day care before being at work, and I need to be there on time today. Daddy has an important meeting." I don't know why I am telling my son about my important meeting it's not like he has any idea about it, probably because at least he is here listening unlike his papa who is still fast asleep in bed.

"Can I have toast please daddy? Two slices?" He asks me climbing up onto the chair at the table.

"You sure can. What do you want to drink?"

"Orange Juice please."

"Duce, duce, duce," Elizabeth squeals, hitting her hands on her high chair.

"Yes Elizabeth you can have juice too." I place the toast in the toaster, before pulling the orange juice out of the fridge; I fill a plastic cup for Thomas, before taking the lid off Elizabeth's sippy cup filling it with half orange juice and half water. I finish off Thomas' toast before getting myself a bowl of muesli and actually allowing myself to sit down for two minutes, realising how sore my back is from the way I slept last night. I know that as soon as the food is gone, it will go back to madness, and I know I don't have long to get the two children dressed and out of the door.

When they are finished I wipe both of their hands down with a flannel, and pick Elizabeth out of her high chair and place her on my hip, allowing me to take hold of Thomas' hand, to lead him to his bedroom. I pick out an outfit for him to wear.

"Do you think you can get yourself dressed Thomas? So I can get your sister ready? I don't want us to be late."

"Of course daddy, I'm a big boy. I will even get my own school bag ready." He says puffing out his chest to try and make himself look bigger; he even got the shortness from Blaine.

"That's a good boy, when you have finished go and play with your toys in the living room, but don't make too much mess please as I want the place tidy before we leave."

"Okay daddy," he replies quickly. I bend down and place a kiss on his cheek. He really is a good boy. And then laugh as I see him wiping at his cheek with the back of his hand, before leaving to go and get Elizabeth ready for day care.

I managed to get everything including both children ready to leave on time. I write Blaine a note, even though I know he will know where I have gone anyway.

_Blaine,_

_ I didn't want to wake you, so I left you sleeping. I have left for work, taking Thomas to kindergarten, and Elizabeth to day care on the way. I have an important meeting this morning, so if you do need me I won't be contactable until lunchtime. I really hope you can make it home for dinner tonight; Thomas, Elizabeth and I miss you when you're not there._

_All my love_

_Kurt 3_

I leave the note on his bedside table, and place a kiss on his forehead, and whisper I love you before, heading out of the house with both Elizabeth and Thomas. I still amaze myself at times, as back in high school, I wouldn't have even been able to get just myself ready in that time, let alone myself and two young children.

By the time I get to work I am exhausted, and I have a full day ahead of me. Isabelle corners me the second I walk in, but I can tell from her face it isn't about work.

"Kurt, how much sleep did you get last night?" I can hear the worry in her voice. She's just as good a boss as she always has been since I started working here 10 years ago.

"About 5 hours, but Isabelle, I'm fine," I answer quickly and try and move on as I really don't want her worrying.

"Kurt Hummel-Anderson, why the hell have you only had 5 hours sleep?" I sigh I don't really want to tell Isabelle but I know she will see straight though me if I lie. That's the problem with working with the same person for so long.

"It's Blaine," I sigh, knowing that's all I have to say to stop this conversation continuing in the hall and for her to move it into her office instead. I'm correct and I'm soon in her office, and she is ordering one of the interns to go out and get me a non-fat mocha. Gosh, it feels so long ago since I was doing that!

"Spill," Isabelle commands, the second I sit down. I've told her about some of the trouble I've been having with Blaine before.

I don't hesitate. I know it's pointless. She will get it out of me somehow, and I will only hold up the meeting if I don't speak. "He didn't get home until close to midnight. He promised Thomas yesterday morning that he would bathe him and his sister yesterday evening, but once again I had to let Thomas down and then get them both to bed myself. It's been over two weeks since he's eaten dinner with us; he seems to be getting more and more distant." I rub my hand over my temple I can feel the tell-tale signs of a headache. "I was delayed on working on my sketches because I had to get the children to bed. And then when he came home he spoke about 3 sentences before heading off to bed, without so much as giving me a kiss or a cuddle. He didn't even notice that I never made it to bed. I mean don't kill me but I feel asleep at my desk. I just miss my husband, as in the one I fell in love with. I also know I shouldn't, and it was so long ago, but I can't help but worry that maybe he's cheating on me again. I just miss him, Isabelle, and our children miss him, and it's breaking my heart to see them suffer, especially Thomas. He is old enough to realise who Blaine is and that he isn't around to keep his promises." I can't help it then, I don't cry often and not in front of many people, but I have to let the tears fall; I can only stay so strong over this.

The thing with Isabelle is, she saw what it was like for me to go through the heartbreak I did when Blaine cheated on me, and I would like to think it was because we were much younger back then. I also don't like to think of the idea of him cheating on me when we have a family together.

Isabelle takes my hand over the desk before speaking, she has always been very touchy feely. "You need to talk to him. This isn't healthy for you. I've held off until this morning but you look more and more tired every day you come in to work. Today you just look completely depressed. He needs to understand what this is doing to you, both the two of you as a couple and the four of you as a family."

"I know. I have no idea why he's so distant. I mean he used to be an amazing dad to both Thomas and Elizabeth! And now while he is an amazing dad when he is there, he is never around to be that amazing dad." I don't really care why he has been so distant, unless he really has cheated on me, all I want to do is have him back the way I used to. If there are any issues, no matter what they are I want to be able to help him work through them. I just don't want him closing off to me, to his family.

"How do I get him to chat, though? I mean, he is never there to see the children, let alone have time to talk about all this." I say looking at Isabelle and I really am thankful for having such an amazing boss.

"I don't know hon, but I do know you need to. This is really affecting you. You can only hold it together so long before you break, and that definitely isn't what Thomas and Lizzie need. It also isn't fair on you to be carrying everything. Oh and by the way your request for an extended lunch next Thursday for Thomas' parents meeting has been approved."

"Thank you and I promise I will try and find time to talk to Blaine. But come on, I have some designs I would like to show off. I got so little sleep to finish them, so I want to at least be able to parade them off.

"I'm sure they will be perfect." Isabelle says standing up, it seems we finish in perfect time as just as she opens the door, the intern is there with coffee for both of us. Well that will be perfect for the meeting.

The meeting goes well, and I'm not surprised when all 3 designs get the go ahead to be added to my line. Yes it may be _my_ line, but Vogue is prestigious. I still have to have every design agreed before I can add it to the pile. The afternoon is full of trying to find the right fabrics to make work with a few other designs I am finalizing, along with meeting with a few people who are potential models for my section of the next fashion show in a few months' time.

Its days like this when I realise what people mean when they kindly tell me that I am doing way too much. I pick up both Elizabeth and Thomas from day care Thomas having been picked up from kindergarten by the day care to allow me to get my work hours in. I feel exhausted, but I am not too hopeful that Blaine will be there when I get home.

I am right of course. I get home and he isn't there, no matter how doubtful I am that he will turn up, I still cook enough dinner for the four of us, and end up with a disappointed Thomas when once again his papa isn't there for dinner or his bed time. By the time both children are in bed I am so drained. I am glad it is a Friday so I don't have to worry about working tomorrow, I can hopefully get it done on Sunday instead. I get the kitchen cleaned from dinner and head to bed at least hoping my husband will join me sometime soon. I can't remember the last time we actually fell asleep together. We may have been in the house together at least sometimes over the past two weeks, but I know in that time we haven't been to bed at the same time, much less had any time to actually enjoy being with each other, and allow ourselves to get intimate. No, I know for a fact that it's been at least two months since we made love to each other, and it hurts. Before everything started going downhill, we would always make sure we got at least one special night for that each week, even when both Thomas and Elizabeth were young babies. I carry out my moisturising routine, before climbing into bed, praying to whoever is out there that we can somehow get everything sorted over the weekend.


	3. 3: Hit A Dead End

A/N I decided to upload this today. I have written up to Chapter 9, and it's betad up to Chapter 5. So seeing as I stopped updating for a while i thought it would put this up :D Hope you enjoy. I love reading your reviews

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I knew I needed to listen to Isabelle, when I ended up crying myself to sleep Friday night, and my husband didn't join me until close to midnight once again. It woke me, but I didn't make that obvious, but I at least expected him to snuggle close to me. But instead he climbed into bed, and faced his back towards me, and I ended up crying myself to sleep all over again.

The next morning I rang Rachel. She didn't know of all the problems me and Blaine were having, and I didn't really want her knowing but I knew if I explained to her I just needed some time to talk to Blaine she would find the time to take Thomas and Elizabeth off our hands. So I am now waiting for her to come and pick them both up hoping Blaine will stay asleep until they are gone, so I can then wake him and try and have a chat with him, about our future.

Rachel turns up, with Brody, at 10.30 just as arranged, and I hate that Elizabeth goes to her with such ease when she doesn't even go to her own papa like that.

"You two be good for your Auntie Rachel, daddy will pick you both up soon." I know Rachel isn't their real Auntie but we stayed good friends and she is one of the most prominent female figures in their lives, so she still got the name. And I mean who knows better than her what's it like having two dads?

"We will daddy, and I will make sure Elizabeth doesn't draw on her walls like she did on ours last week, as I'm a big boy and I know that's naughty." I can't help but chuckle even if I had been mortified when I saw the wall.

"That's right you are a big boy, daddy loves you both see you soon." I give each of them a kiss before allowing Rachel to take them. Telling her that I have no idea how long this talk might take, and would she be willing to have our children all day if it's needed. Of course she agreed straight away.

I didn't waste any time. I decided that I would go and wake Blaine straight away. I couldn't keep letting this crack in our relationship get any bigger.

I walk into the bedroom and sit on the bed.

"Blaine, Blaine honey it's time to wake up," I say softly. I want him to wake up gently: I need him in a good mood for this chat.

"Um, what am I late for work," he mumbles.

"No, it's Sunday but we need to talk," I say softly really hoping he doesn't take the funnies.

"Um, ok let me shower and I'll be up," he mumbles again, and I decide that it probably is a good idea, for him to wake up more and allow me to make a pot of coffee and some pancakes for breakfast.

Half an hour later, Blaine joins me in the kitchen, and I'm feeling really nervous. I have tried a few times to speak to him, but every time it hasn't ended well.

"Where are Thomas and Elizabeth?" he asks sitting down at the table. I have to stop myself scoffing at him, so he's worried now they aren't here.

"I've asked Rachel to look after them for a few hours. We need to talk Blaine." I pour us both a coffee, and set a plate in front of him hoping that we can talk over breakfast.

"Blaine, I want to talk to you, but I really need you to listen before jumping down my throat," I am so nervous about this; I know I need it to go well to help our relationship and our family. "I'm worried about you; you've been so distant lately. I know you work hard, I don't deny that for a second, but our family is suffering." I look up at Blaine, and his face is pretty much unreadable, so I continue. "I mean, it's been so long since you have been here to have dinner with us, and our children miss you. Thomas keeps asking after you and you keep breaking your promises to him, and I hate to say it but Elizabeth went to Rachel today with much less fuss that she normally goes to you, her own papa. Do you realise how much that kills me Blaine?"

I hear Blaine sigh so I stop speaking to allow him to do so. "I can't win with you can I Kurt? I work so that we can have a good life as a family and I'm in the wrong." I can see the anger in his eyes, and have to remind myself to stay calm.

"But Blaine don't you understand that is the point, we are not having a good life. Our children miss their papa. I know it's nice to be able to have money but we were getting on comfortably before you started working so much more. We were so much happier when we got family time. You and I haven't had quality time together in so long." I just hope that something I say is getting through to him; I don't want our family to fall apart.

"Oh don't put that all on me Kurt, you are always working on those dam designs of yours at night, so how can we get any time." I can't believe what I am hearing; he is trying to blame me for this?

"The only reason I have to work so late is because you are never here to put the children to bed, or to help cook dinner, or play with them. If you did that even two or three nights a week I could get to bed at a nice time much more often. Do you think I want to spend hours at night working, because I haven't had time to do it in the day, as my husband is absent?" I see him shaking his head at me, but continue anyway the flood gates have opened and I can't help myself. "I wish more than anything I could come to bed and have quality time with my husband, but you're often so absent. I want nothing more than to once a month go out for dates with you again, but you are always so damn busy."

"I am busy working to support this family so don't play the guilt card Kurt. I may be absent some times, but I make sure my children are clothed and fed." Blaine says raising his voice, and I can't help but raise mine back, and even if I didn't want to. I can't help it as his words really sink and I realise that he called our children solely his, especially with how absent he is lately.

"NO! We make sure _our _children are clothed and fed, I work and earn just and much if not more than you. You need to start thinking about what's important." Tears enter my eyes but I refuse to let them fall.

"Maybe what I want is a husband who isn't on my fucking back all the fucking time," Blaine screams, getting up from the kitchen table and knocking his chair over on the way out. Throughout all our talks about Blaine's distance he has never stormed out like this. I can't keep the tears at bay and they are soon spilling over, there are so many thoughts running around my head, the only thing I hear from Blaine is the front door slamming behind him signalling he's gone out.

I don't know how much more I can take. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. That maybe I haven't show Blaine how loved he is, that maybe I was working too hard before this to make him act like this, that maybe I have change appearance wise since we got married making Blaine's feeling for me different. I really don't know but what else can it be but something that I've done to make Blaine act so differently. I place my head in my hands and allow the tears to flow, because really what else can I do right now. I've tried talking to Blaine, and once again it has failed me. Right now while I don't have to worry about controlling myself around our children I let the tears flow.

After a while I still feel just as crap as I did when Blaine left. And there is no sign of him coming back, so I guess he's gone down to the studio to practice dance moves, or to the gym to let out his 'anger' on a punch bag. I don't understand why he is the angry one in all this, and I just still don't know what to do any more, so I do the only thing I can think of and I decide to ring my father.

He picks up after just a few rings

"_Hey kiddo_," he says cheerily as he answers his phone, and at the sound of his voice I can't help but let out a sob. "_Kurt…Kurt…Kurt what's up_," my dad says trying to calm me down, but in a way hearing his voice makes it so much worse.

"Dad, I….I…I don't know what to do any more," I say between sobs.

"_Kiddo, I want to help you but I can't if you don't tell me what's up. You need to calm down and tell me what's wrong."_

I listen to him, and try and calm myself down, I need my dad's help right now, and he is right he can't help if he doesn't know what the problem is.

"Right Dad, I need you to listen to me before you try and say anything, I know that maybe I should have told you something before but I couldn't." I know my dad will worry the moment I tell him what's going on. I know he loves Blaine like a son, so it won't worry him just because of me, Elizabeth and Thomas, but he will also worry about what is causing Blaine to be so distant.

"There are a few problems with Blaine and me at the moment," I sigh. "When I say at the moment I mean they must have been going on for a good few weeks." I pause because who am I kidding, "No not weeks either months really. I don't know what's wrong with him; he has been spending progressively less and less time with Elizabeth, Thomas and me." I try and think of all of the things he's let us down with over the last few weeks. "He hasn't been at dinner with us for over two weeks, and before that he wasn't here nowhere near as much as he should be. He keeps promising Thomas they will go to the movies and he hasn't taken him, and he keeps promising he will be home to put them to bed, gosh I can't remember the last time he put them to bed. I also wonder if Elizabeth knows who he is, she won't call him papa, and every time I say it she shakes her head and screams dada at me. He was never like this when Thomas was little and he wasn't when Elizabeth was first born. What am I doing wrong dad?" It's times like this where I wish I was still back in Lima, Ohio no matter how homophobic of a place it is. I can feel the tears running down my cheeks but I try and keep my voice calm.

"_Kurt stop. Do not start blaming yourself for this. I know I haven't got even part of the story but you are not the one who isn't seeing your children. Have you tried speaking to Blaine about all this? You and I both know this is nothing like Blaine_."

"I tried; I tried just now that's why I ended up ringing you dad. I got Rachel to have the children so we could talk to each other, and he started trying to put it on to me. He was saying that at least he provided clothes and food for his children, like they were nothing to do with me. That maybe he didn't want a husband who was on his back all the time. I only do it because I love him, I love our family, but I don't love what it's becoming. But yes this isn't the first time I've talked to Blaine, must be at least the fifth time, but he reacted so badly this time, he stormed out and he hasn't come back, I can only guess he's gone to work or to the gym."

"_Kurt, I really don't know what to say. I'm just glad your kids weren't there to see it. This isn't fair on them, and it isn't fair on you either." I hear my father take a deep breath from the other side of the phone. "I hate to asked Kurt but….but_."

"Just say it Dad," I say, I know what he's thinking but to hear someone else say what I'm beginning to believe will make it all seem so much more real.

"_You don't think he could be cheating on you again do you? I am sorry to bring it up kiddo but it's so unlike Blaine_."

"It's okay Dad, I've been wondering the same myself a lot more recently. I don't want to believe it. I mean, there were so many reasons he went with Eli and it was just the once, but I can't help but let the fear creep in. I mean ever since I took him back all those years ago I have never allowed myself once, to think he might be cheating on me. I've trusted him, but after so long I just don't know what to do. I will under no circumstances come out and accuse him of it, unless I have proof but I just…I can't stop the thoughts running around my mind."

"_I know kiddo, I know. You are doing really well keeping this all together. I wish I was there with you to help, but I'm not, so for now all I can say is keep trying with Blaine, little things that don't make it too obvious what you're doing to see if you can try and get him back a bit. Most of all though, you need to focus on keeping yourself healthy. Don't over work yourself, I know what you're like, and look after the kids._" Sometime during the conversation I had stopped crying, my dad always seems to have a calming effect on me. Probably something to do with the fact he brought me up alone for close to 10 years.

"I will do Dad, thank you. I'm sorry to bother you." I do always feel bad for having to get my dad involved.

"_Nonsense, you're my son and it affects my grandchildren too. You know I'm always here for you, and I want a phone call in no longer than a week's time so I know how things are getting on. I love you Kurt_."

"Love you too Dad." I put the phone down and allow myself to think. I've tried the not too obvious attention thing, but it hasn't worked, but things are bad enough I suppose it can't hurt to try again. I decided to get some of my work done before picking up the children, so when Blaine does come home we can be in bed together.


	4. 4: Maybe It's Me

I know people are enjoying this so I decided to get another chapter up seeing as I have it finished. I may not be able to keep uploading quite this quickly but I try and make sure there is at least one update a week. Thank you for all your lovely reviews so far.

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Things carry on the same for the first half of the next week, but finally on Wednesday Blaine is home by 9pm. Yes it means he still missed the children which I really wish he wouldn't, but at least he is home at a more decent time, and I am glad that I haven't got any designs to do. I warm up dinner for the both of us, each night I have delayed eating mine in the hope we could eat together.

We sit on the sofa with the telly playing in the back ground and for the first time in a long time we actually start to eat a meal together.

"How was work," I asked gently I don't want to push Blaine but even a bit of conversation would be nice.

"Same as it normally is. Trying to get the songs recorded for the soundtrack release but things just don't seem to be going right. The power short-circuited tonight so we couldn't get anything else done." Well it's nice to know that's the only reason my husband is home right now, but I will be thankful for small mercies. No matter why, at least he is here. I try and edge closer to him on the sofa and normally he would edge closer to me and we would end up cuddled in the middle of the sofa. However he doesn't seem to be bothered about moving, so I stop and continue with the conversation.

"That must be annoying; you didn't lose any of your work did you?" I ask, as I know only too well how annoying that is, having once lost 3 days' worth of work when my computer system went down.

"Yes we did. It also means the director wants us to try and find time to make up for the time we are missing recording right now. I know it's going to mean a couple of early mornings and later nights." I'm a bit annoyed that he doesn't consult me about this. I mean if I am ever going to be working different hours at vogue I always make sure he is involved and informed, but no it seems he only realizes how time affects him.

"I understand," I say, really trying to keep the sarcasm out of my voice, as really I don't.

"What about you how was work?" he asks me. Well, that's a start; at least he is joining in the conversation.

"Oh you know the same as always. Isabelle was being her normal crazy self, and some of the designs some of the people there come up with makes me wonder how they ever got a job at Vogue, but you know I make it work. Just trying to stay focused on the show."

Blaine gives me a quizzical look and I don't understand until he speaks. "What show?" Oh, so the four times I've mentioned it to you in the past 3 months haven't been enough for you to remember? One of the biggest nights of each year in my career. I don't know why I'm surprised, but it hurts. It really hurts. I mean no matter how much he puts his job before us, I try and remember what he tells me about it. But it seems anything I tell him about my job now doesn't matter; like I don't matter.

"The show where I headline my next collection," I explain wanting to get annoyed but stopping myself as I know that certainly won't help the situation. "I told you about it a few weeks ago. I asked if you could make sure you could get the day off, so that you can come with me as my plus one. You know how much I love having your support at my shows." It's true I do. Blaine has attended every single one of my shows and it always makes me so happy when I see he is there and proud of me and me alone. "Rachel has already agreed to look after the children here and sleep in the spare room so that we can both go."

"Oh I don't remember. I will have to see what I can do regarding work, but I can't promise I will be able to come, Kurt. I mean you know how much work I am putting into the show right now. So you know how behind I could get from taking a day out to come to your show."

"Okay Blaine, I understand, just try if you can please. It would mean a lot to me."

"Thank you for being so understanding Kurt, and I'll try," I can tell by his tone that he isn't being honest but I am not going to say anything and start a fight right now. "I'm going to go to bed, as I said, early morning tomorrow to help make up for this." he says, and I understand what it's like to be tired, but I would have thought he would have asked me if I was going to bed with him.

"Okay, well I know you normally like a shower before heading to bed so I will get this place cleaned up and join you," I say before placing a kiss on his cheek. He doesn't respond, just stands and heads towards our bedroom.

In a way I'm glad he likes to shower before bed it will give me some time to let my thoughts run through my head before I join him in bed.

I feel awful that when I tried to move close to him he didn't even try to lift his arm to give me a cuddle. This is something we have done for years, not just since we were married. Even back in high school, when we got used to showing affection in front of my parents he would sit with his arm around my back and I would rest my head on his shoulder while sitting on the sofa.

Right now I just feel so unloved, and it really is foreign to me. I mean before Blaine and I got together I was in a house full of my dad's love. We may have had a unique relationship, but I always knew I was loved within that house. Then when I moved to New York, even though I wasn't with the love of my life, and even when he broke my heart and cheated on me I was living with Rachel, my best friend. Once again, even though we shared a very unique relationship we loved each other dearly. Ever since Blaine and I have lived together I have always felt his love. He would bring me flowers for no reason, just to show me what I mean to him. If he had to be out of the house early, I would always wake to a note on the fridge even if he had nothing to tell me other than that he loved me. When each of our children were born, he spent hours telling me how lucky he felt to be able to raise children with me, and all the reasons he loved me. Now though, now I am wondering if he's lost that love for me. I feel so completely alone. I know I have Rachel, and my dad and Finn, but they aren't here. They don't live in this house, which doesn't feel at all like home anymore.

The only thing that I feel like fighting for is my children. They deserve to have two parents, two parents who love them, not just one. I never thought things would be like they are now. Yes, I knew that in the professions we are both in there was a chance we would occasionally have to work longer or later than we want, but I know it shouldn't be like this. We are not the first parents with challenging careers, but I can't help but wonder if we are the first couple where one parent just seems to stop caring.

I busy myself with the washing up, while I allow my thoughts to continue to take over my mind. I mean, right now nothing seems to be getting better. And I am starting to wonder if things actually will get better. That just leaves me with the question of what I will do if things don't get better. I mean, I love Blaine with everything I am, and on our wedding day I didn't take our vows lightly.

I can't help but repeat them to myself in my head, "_I Kurt Hummel take you Blaine Anderson, to be my partner in life, my best friend in life and my one true love. I will cherish our marriage and love you more each day than I did the day before. I will trust you, respect you, laugh with you and cry with you, loving you faithfully through good times and bad, regardless of the obstacles we may face together. I give you my hand, my heart and my love, from this day forward, as long as we both shall live."_

Those words meant and still do mean so much to me, and I promised to love him faithfully regardless of the obstacles. However I didn't ever think that it could potentially end up harming our children. Yes I am starting to wonder if staying with Blaine is actually hurting the children. I mean, how many times can Thomas have his heart broken, and how many times can I force Elizabeth to go to Blaine while screaming her heart out because she doesn't understand who he is?

Yes, I love Blaine with everything I have, but I also love my kids, and right now I don't know what to do for the best. I mean even if our marriage doesn't get any better, what am I meant to do? I live in New York. I can't just deal with becoming a single parent overnight. Not while trying to work a job at Vogue to allow myself to earn enough to be a single parent. What am I saying I don't even want to be a single parent! I want to be a father, along with Blaine. I want to share the joy with him when Elizabeth starts kindergarten in three years. I want to walk down the school hall with him the first time Thomas ends up in the head masters office. I want to be with Blaine as my husband as we have the very embarrassing sex talk with both our children, and hope to hell that it is no way near as embarrassing as the one I had with my father. I want Blaine to be the doting father who scrutinises anyone either of our children dates, just like my father did with him. I don't want to have to do it all alone. I know my dad did his best bringing me up on his own. And I know he couldn't have done any better and for that I will forever be grateful, but I also know how hard he found it. Blaine isn't dead like my mother was, and I don't think I can do it completely on my own. I mean, I know I pretty much am now, but at least he is there in at least some sense.

I finish the washing up and head to bed, once I get into the bedroom I realise Blaine is already in bed, lying on his back eyes still open, so I know he isn't asleep. I get changed quickly and join him in bed, hoping that maybe we will be able to get some time together now. I wait a minute to see if he instigates any contact and when he doesn't, I move to lay my head gently on his chest with my arm resting on his stomach and over his hip. It's a common position for us. It's even the way we slept together after our first time. But back then his arms were wrapped tightly round my back as well, but now he doesn't seem bothered.

It doesn't make me feel any better, but I know I can't give up. This isn't just for me, but for all of us as a family. I have to keep trying. I have to try and break though this barrier Blaine seems to have put up. I move myself to place a peck against his lips before moving on to his neck kissing at the flesh there gently. I allow my hand that was over his hip to move up and massage his shoulder in a way I know helps him relax. For a few minutes he lays there and allows me to do so and I think I am maybe getting through to him. I don't want anything back right now; if he will just enjoy himself and let me worship his body for a while I will be so much happier than I have been in so long.

I decided to go for it. I allow my lips to move further down his neck, still kissing very gently as I move toward his collar bone. Once there I make sure to find that spot that I know normally drives him wild, however the second I attach my lips to it he pushes me off. He doesn't push hard enough to hurt me but he pushes with a decent amount of force.

"Don't Kurt, I'm tired. It's not fair to expect things when I'm tired," Blaine hisses angrily.

"Okay, I'm sorry Blaine, go to sleep," I say dejectedly, turning over and facing away from him. I can't believe I am the one who ends up apologizing when I didn't expect anything from him other than for him to enjoy himself.

I can't help but wonder if I am really that ugly or disgusting that my own husband doesn't even want to get intimate with me anymore. I mean I know I have gained a few laughter lines since I was 18 but never, other than during the months we spent apart and during our break up have we ever gone this long without being intimate with each other. I mean I know I am not the everyday pin up hunk, I'm not built the way most guys are and my voice most certainly isn't the most masculine, but I thought Blaine saw something in me, even when nobody else did. Obviously I was wrong and everyone else was right. I am not the kind of person that can truly be loved. I haven't got the right looks or anything like that. I can't help the tears that stream down my face and I don't know where they come from but Sebastian Smythe's words from all those years ago start to spin around my head. "Blaine is too good for you." And maybe, just maybe I am starting to believe that that was the truth all along.


	5. 5: I Can't Let Them Suffer

Thank you for all your reviews, it seems people are really wondering what is up with Blaine. It's a while until we know for sure, but i promise there is a chapter from Blaine POV coming up soon.

But because my Beta is amazing and got me chapter 10 back last night, and I have already got up to chapter 13 written I thought i would give you another update today. I don't know how long updates will keep coming this fast, once they slow down, i will try and post one a week though :D

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The next day I try and think positively. Blaine is there and awake to help me with breakfast for the children. After a little battle and quite a few tears from Elizabeth I manage to leave her in her highchair eating breakfast being supervised by Blaine, while I actually have time for a proper length shower. I manage to complete my routine in full which seems relax me even more, and I managed to spend more than two minutes finding the perfect outfit, which I am thankful for, seeing as it needs to be appropriate for both work and our meeting with Thomas' old and new school teachers.

As Blaine leaves we actually peck each other on the cheek, and while it doesn't seem like much it has my heart fluttering the way it used to when we first started dating. And I wouldn't be surprised if a small blush had formed on my cheeks either. Especially when I hear the "Errrr daddy, papa," come from our son. We always limit our affection around him, not because we are embarrassed but because we believe that there is a limit to what should and shouldn't be done around children, and not just our own children.

"Blaine, remember we have Thomas' school meeting at 12. We will talk to his kindergarten teacher about his progress this year, and meet his new school teacher at the same time. I will meet you there just before 12, alright?"

"Don't worry I haven't forgotten." he informs me, and after all this time I believe that maybe things are going to slowly get better. I know not to expect things too quickly, but Blaine remembered his son's parent's day which is more than I was hoping for.

I enter work feeling so much happier than I have in weeks, and I know Isabelle can tell. By 10 I have been conned into going into her office, and I know she doesn't really need to know the figures for how much lace fabric I need. I gave her those figures yesterday. But I go anyway, happy to share my news with her, and thank her for being such an understanding boss. I do really need to make sure I get her a big bouquet of flowers this Christmas.

"So, someone's happy today," she sing songs, and I know my smile widens.

"Yes, I am hoping things may be looking up with Blaine," I explain happily. "I know it might not sound like much, but he actually gave me a kiss before leaving the house today, and remembered Thomas' school meeting and promised to be there." I know that the grin on my face will mean my face is sore by the end of the day but right now I don't care. I would rather have a sore face from smiling that sore eyes from all the crying I've been doing recently.

"That's really good," and Isabelle is smiling too, she knows how much my relationship means to me. "I'm guessing your chat with Blaine went well." My smile drops slightly at this but I decide to tell her anyway.

"No, not really," I admit honestly, "He stormed out of the house and tried to put a lot of the blame of me. However, you know what I am like. I can't just give up and I keep slowly trying. Even last night he was shrugging me off, but then this morning he was there to help me with the children, and I could see a tiny hint of the husband I know."

"That's wonderful, I guess we will be seeing that cheery happy Kurt back round here a lot more often then. I'm sure the interns will be glad that you may stop biting their heads off so much now. You really are harsh on them when you are in a bad mood."

"No, I am just too kind to them when I'm in a good mood," I say jokingly. "I remember what it's like. Remember, you never let me slack off! And I'm grateful for it or I wouldn't be where I am now. So I would say I am helping to motivate them to become better, and they will thank me for it one day." I really do feel so much happier, and I can tell by the way Isabelle is looking at me that it is radiating to her too.

"That they will. Not many interns get to be under someone who got their first line as young as you did. You've got talent; I've always known that." I can hear the cockiness in her voice; as if she knew from my first interview that I would go on to do what I have. To be honest, knowing Isabelle, she probably did. "Anyway, I really am glad things seem to be on the up with Blaine, but remember I am always here if you need to talk about anything or if anything gets worse again. I can't have one of my star designers suffering because he has a tendency to think he is doing everyone a favour by keeping everything locked up and to himself."

Yes it's true. I really do have a great boss. I mean back when I came to New York after being rejected from NYADA, I never expected my life to turn out the way it has work wise. But I also know that it is certainly one thing I wouldn't have changed. I couldn't imagine myself doing anything else. I leave Isabelle's office with an extra spring in my step and I actually surprise myself with how much work I am able to get done before I have to leave to go to Thomas' school.

I pull up at the school and decide to wait for Blaine in my car when my phone goes off signalling a text message. I pull it out and read what it says

_From Blaine (11.51am) I am sorry but I will not make it to the school to meet Thomas' teacher I am still at work and I just cannot get away. _

I feel sick. Once again I have to let Thomas down. Thomas was there this morning when Blaine promised to be at this meeting and I just feel so angry. I have learnt to deal with him letting me down recently but nothing will ever make me understand how he can let our children down. 'What can I do though?' I think to myself. Thomas finishes Kindergarten tomorrow, and in September he will be going into 1st grade after turning 6 in August. I may have to do it without the help of my husband, but I know need to see how amazing our son has done this year, and help him with his anxiety of meeting his new teacher. That is one of the ways Thomas really does differ from Blaine. He was never nervous when meeting new people, but Thomas really struggles with it. Which is why this parents' appointment had been arranged specially so we could meet Thomas' new teacher with him.

I give myself a minute to compose myself, knowing that my son's face will fall the second he realizes his papa isn't coming. It's me that has to have the memory of that etched into my mind, not Blaine, the one who keeps letting him down, and none of it seems fair.

I get into the school quickly. Most of the staff knows who I am from the times I've had to come in when Thomas has ended up having a supply teacher and been unable to cope. When Thomas sees me he comes running up to me and I only just have time to prepare myself to catch him. Now that's one thing he does get from Blaine he has always been very bouncy and full of energy. I'm sure if he was allowed he'd jump on the furniture like his papa used to. I lift him up into my arms to allow me to give him a cuddle while speaking to him.

"It's good to see you too Thomas," I say with a laugh, but it is short lived when I feel him looking over my shoulder and I know just who he is looking for.

"Isn't papa with you daddy?" Thomas questions. And the hope in his voice makes this all the more harder as it seems no matter how many times Blaine lets him down, he is always just as hopeful he won't the next time.

"I'm afraid papa had to stay at work Thomas," I can tell even my own voice is sad. I just hope Thomas doesn't pick up on it.

"That's okay daddy. You are here with me to see my new teacher aren't you? You don't have to go do you?" Hearing him say that, I feel even worse than when I read that text from Blaine. Yes we raised our son to be kind and understanding, but he's 5 for heaven's sake. He shouldn't be so understanding about being let down by his papa. I love Blaine with all my heart. I mean even when we were separated due to him cheating on me I always loved him; I just had to get over the hurt. However I don't know what to do. I mean here I was thinking things are getting better, to just be let down again. How many times am I going to let myself and my children be let down by Blaine? Is it not better to just break away and deal with the pain now, rather than much worse pain later? I am going to stop that thought right now as I know I really don't want our family to break up.

I know I can't focus on any of that right now. I know if I do, that I won't get through the next hour or so at the school without breaking down. And I know for sure that won't help anything right now. Yes, my heart is heavy, and I know I am going to have to let it out at some point, but not right now in front of my son. I can't let him down too.

Before I know it I am speaking to Thomas' current teacher and I am so proud at all the stuff she is telling me about Thomas' progresses. She tells me that he is ahead of many in his class with his letter writing, numbers and reading. She tells me that he seems to be popular among his peers and for this I am really grateful. Even here in New York, one thing that has always worried me is that my children will be outsiders because of our family make up. I mean we are treated so much better in New York than we were back in Ohio, but that doesn't mean we haven't have the odd hurtful word thrown at us while out with our children. And believe me that led to a very awkward conversation explaining to an inquisitive and clever four year old what was meant by the word faggot. It is a memory that will never leave me and one I wish I won't have to repeat with Lizzie, but I know it's likely I will.

It's as soon as Thomas realises that it is now time to meet his new teacher that he grabs hold of me like there is no tomorrow. I don't always deal well with these situations. I hate seeing Thomas struggling. And it's times like these where I need that support from Blaine to help me through. But today I am doing it on my own, and I have to stay strong for our son.

I squeeze his hand gently back trying to offer comfort as we walk down the hall towards his new class room for next year. We are doing it this way so that he can enter the classroom at his own pace instead of having the other teacher come to him. It would have been easier if the teacher had been at the school over this previous year as at least he would know her slightly. But as it happens, she is a new teacher for the school next year. I can feel his little hand shaking in mine, and for a split second I want to just pick him up and leave the school grounds with him. I shake the idea from my mind. That won't help. I know I have to help him overcome his fears, not make them worse. And I can do that by being here and holding his hand.

Half an hour later he is chatting away to his new teacher Mrs Barnes. I am just glad that they seem to be getting on so well. We even arrange to bring Thomas in 15 minutes early on the first day back so that he can be reacquainted with her on his own once again before being with his class. All too soon it is time for me to leave him and get back to work.

I walk Thomas back down the hall towards his classroom. When we reach the door I bend down and give him a kiss.

"Bye daddy, I love you," he says before turning towards to door.

"Bye Thomas, I love you too, see you later," I reply. I am due to pick him up from day care this evening, but that isn't anything unusual these days. I watch as Thomas takes a step towards his class room door, before stopping and turning around. His face is so serious I instantly worry about what is about to happen, hoping he isn't about to kick off about me leaving him.

"Daddy, does Papa still love me?" I almost choke on thin air. I feel like my airway is tightening up on me, and my eyes are trying to water against my will. Of anything I might have expected, that hadn't even been on the list. And if I though Blaine letting Thomas and Elizabeth down all the times he has over these past few months hurt, well that was nothing compared to this.

I just want to break right here, right now. But I can't. My son needs me and he needs an answer. I can break after I make sure he knows he is loved.

"Of course he does sweetie, why do you think he doesn't?" I speak and once again bend down and wrap my arms around Thomas.

"Because he is never around anymore daddy, and he keeps telling me he will be there to do something with me and he never is. I know you love me because you give me cuddles, and read to me, and always tell me you love me. But Papa doesn't do any of that any more. So I was thinking he lost his love for me." Thomas says with clear sadness in his voice.

I hug him that tiny bit tighter as I reply, having to try and force myself to believe my own words as I say them. "Of course he loves you, he loves all of us. Papa is just busy at the moment; it happens when you are a grownup but he is your Papa and, like me, he will always love you."

Thomas pulls back slightly and looks into my eyes before speaking again. "Okay daddy, as long as you're sure."

"I am bud, come on you need to get back to class now. Love you and see you later." I say kissing his cheek just to back up the fact I love him.

"I love you too daddy," Thomas says before turning and actually entering his class room this time.

I stand for a minute trying to hold myself together, as right now I just want to break. I walk back to my car and I know I am in a bit of a daze. I honestly don't know how I manage to drive myself back to work safely, especially as some time during the drive tears start streaming down my face, as I find it all just too much to process.

The second I get inside my office I break properly, and damn am I glad for the position I have in now that means I get my own office. However, that is short lived when there is a knock at the door, and I look up to see Isabelle entering my office having not even waited for permission. It is clear someone saw the state I was in as I entered the building and the news quickly got to her. It's not surprising. I have grown close to the people I've worked with here for many years. And most of them know how strong I am after everything I've been through in my past.

"Kurt," she says gently. I look up to make eye contact with her, and everything I was holding back even within my break down spills over. I realise I can't do it anymore. I realise fighting for this is hurting our children, and that is one thing I am not willing to let happen.

"I can't do it Isabelle," I say after a while, in which Isabelle has moved to place her arm around me.

"What's happened Kurt? I have never seen you like this. And you can't keep it in. You don't have to tell me but you need to tell someone." The concern is evident in her voice.

"No, you're right. I do. Blaine didn't turn up at Thomas' school today, even after promising he would. I got through that fine though it isn't the first time and I didn't expect it to be the last. But what I can't cope with is my son asking me if his papa still loves him. I have tried Isabelle. I really have, but I will not let his distance affect our kids."

"Oh sweetie, come here," and I don't really have much choice and I am pulled into a hug. I am not someone who is used to physical contact from people other than my father, Blaine and my children, so I am surprised when I melt into Isabelle's touch, but it just shows how starved of love I really am.

"Kurt, I know you may not like this proposal but I am going to make it anyway. I want you to go home and pack bags for you, Lizzie and Thomas, pick the kids up, and take a flight back to Ohio." I can't believe what she is saying, but I am so overwhelmed from what has happened today I just let her continue. "You cannot do this on your own. You need support right now." And she is right I do. "I know it's the last day of school tomorrow so Thomas won't miss anything important. Go and get yourself sorted and even if you won't do it for yourself do it for those kids of yours."

"But what about my designs and work?" I know it isn't the best argument and Isabelle will easily come up with a solution to that.

"Kurt Hummel-Anderson, right now I am not worried about your work. But seeing as you are, I want you to know you are one on my most trusted members of staff. So I would trust you to work from Ohio, keep me informed and updated by email, and send designs by special courier. You know I don't give in easily so don't try and argue with me. You need this." And I don't argue with her. She is right. If I can't have Blaine, I need someone to support me with the children right now. And the best place I will find that is back home. "Look, you are due two weeks holiday in just over 3 weeks anyway. Just take those 3 weeks taking it a bit easy and just doing work when you can. And spend the whole 5 weeks in Ohio; hopefully by then something will be sorted." Once again I am reminded of what an amazing boss Isabelle is, and she really needs more than just a big bouquet of flowers for Christmas.

"Okay you win, I will do it. But how do I tell Blaine?" I ask. Since she came up with the idea I'm sure she can help me.

"You don't. That is part of it. You see how long it takes him to realise you and the kids are gone. It may give you an indication of whether he really cares. You don't even leave him a note. You wait until he contacts you."

I sigh as I really don't want to but I know she is right. If I am to even hope to know what is going on with Blaine I have to use some shock tactics.

"I am going to wish you the best of luck now. Ring your father while you are here, and then go as soon as you are finished. You know the designs I need for the rest of the month, but as I said if you don't get them finished I can work with them being slightly late."

"Thanks Isabelle," I respond and it really is heartfelt. I shock myself again by giving her a hug. I watch as she leaves and am glad that I have the support network I do. I can't imagine what it would be like to be completely alone now.

I take out my phone and ring my dad.

"_Hi Kurt. Is everything alright_?" is how he answers the phone, and I know it's because I am ringing during work hours.

"No, it's not. I hope you don't mind but I'm bringing me and the kids home."


	6. 6: Getting Away

So here is another chapter. I have already written up to chapter 14 and hoping to get some more written tonight :D Thank you for all your wonderful reviews so far

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I board the plane carrying Elizabeth on my hip and holding Thomas' hand on the other side of me. I feel numb. I know Isabelle told me I need to do this, but right now I feel as though I'm breaking all those promises I made on my wedding day. And no matter what Blaine has been doing that hurts. However, as I look from my daughter to my son, I realize just why I am doing this.

I know I can't put them through this anymore and I can't put myself through it anymore. I've tried. I've really tried and nothing seems to have worked. And I hate to admit it, but I feel like I am about to break. Don't get me wrong, I love Blaine. I don't think I could ever not love him in some way. I mean I shared so many firsts with him, even during my first year in New York when Blaine and I had split up I couldn't date anyone else because I couldn't lose my love for him.

I find our seats on the plane and somehow manage to juggle Elizabeth in my arms while I strap Thomas into his seat. I am glad that the flight is a short one seeing as I am going to have to hold Elizabeth on my lap all the way there due to her age. I soon sit down and hope Elizabeth may fall asleep on the plane. I mean, the car journey after the plane ride is longer than the plane ride itself and I really could be without a screaming baby then.

"Daddy," I hear Thomas question and I have a feeling I know what's coming now. He realizes that Blaine isn't coming with us, now that we are on the plane. "Why are we going back to Grampa's without Papa?"

I have had a few hours to think about this and I'm still not sure what I want to tell him. "Thomas I'm going to try and explain this to you as much as I can. I know you are getting big now, but there are some things that little boys like you just are not old enough to understand okay?"

"Yes daddy, but that still doesn't answer my question," he says back to me and I know I can't stall any longer. I have to explain it in the simplest but most honest way I can. We have always been as honest with our son as we can. For example, he knows a very basic idea of how mine and Blaine's relationship is different from most others, and we tell him more the older he gets.

"You know that Papa has been breaking a lot of promises to you recently, hasn't he? And even if you don't like to show it, that makes you sad, doesn't it?"

"Yes it does daddy but I try and be a big boy," Thomas says and I can hear him slowly about to get upset.

"Hey don't get upset. This isn't because of you. And you have been a really big boy," I reassure, taking his hand. "Well, Papa isn't just breaking promises to you, he's breaking promises to daddy too, big promises that we made on our wedding day. Do you remember when daddy and Papa told you about that and showed you the photos?" I ask, and Thomas just nods in return. "Well, Papa is breaking those promises to me, and that makes your daddy sad. And daddy doesn't want to be sad as that makes you and Elizabeth sad. So we are going back to see Grandpa. And while we are there daddy and Papa will talk over the phone and stuff and see if we can talk like adults and get it sorted alright."

Thomas looks at me with his big hazel eyes and I know I won't like what is coming next. "What if you and Papa don't sort it out daddy?" I had a feeling he would ask this, but I didn't expect it yet.

"Thomas that is something daddy doesn't want you worrying about ok? I want you to just enjoy your time with Grandpa, Grandma Carole and Uncle Finn ok?"

"Yes daddy," and like that he turns and pulls his cars out of his bag accepting it as the end of the conversation.

The flight didn't go quite as well as I had hoped, due to the fact Elizabeth just wouldn't sleep, but we didn't get delayed which I was thankful for. I collect the baggage and come to the part I hate. Not being able to hold Thomas's hand, because it's hard enough to pull the baggage trolley with one had as it is. It isn't that I don't trust him, but rather that I don't trust other people to watch out for him.

"Make sure you hold on to the trolley for daddy, and as we walk through the doors I need you to look for Grandpa or Uncle Finn. I don't know which one of them got away from working tonight at the garage to come and pick us up."

"Okay daddy," he replies cheerily and I know it's because he is excited to see his Grandpa and Uncle Finn. And while I am excited to see them too, it's been a while; I wish the circumstances were different.

I somehow managed to push the trolley through the doors and into the arrivals area quickly, scanning for my dad or Finn. Gosh could I tell I was in Ohio and not New York! In New York I was offered help the second someone saw me struggling with two kids and 3 big bags, but here people just think it is funny to stand and watch.

I soon feel Thomas tugging on my pant leg. I look down, and see he is pointing at someone. I follow his arm and come almost face to face with my dad. No disrespect to Finn, but I am glad it's my dad here; I need a hug right now. The kind of hug only my dad can give me.

"Kurt, it's good to see you son," he addresses me quickly before bending down to ruffle Thomas' hair. "Hello kiddo, how are you? Did you miss Grandpa?"

"I'm hungry and yes, I missed you," Thomas speaks holding out his arms to my dad.

"Just a quick pick up right now Thomas. I need Grandpa to either carry your sister or push this trolley. You can have proper cuddles once you are home, ok sweetie?"

"Yes daddy," he responds quickly as I watch him throw his arms around my dad's neck, and it's a sight that I love to see every time. When I think all those years back to my junior year when I almost lost my dad I am just so glad he is here to meet his grandkids. Gosh I'm glad here's here for me right now.

My dad puts Thomas down, and I'm soon in a half hug, my dad and I both being mindful of a sleepy Elizabeth on my hip. "You're going to be alright son, we will get this all sorted," my dad reassures me in my ear, in a low enough voice so Thomas can't hear and I just hope he is right.

"I really hope so dad. I don't know what I am doing right now." I say back, and then pull away as I know if I say much more I am going to start crying.

"Come on let's get you all home. I bet you are all ready for some dinner, and then bed, aren't you?"

"Can we have ice cream for pudding?" Thomas asks quickly. It's a tradition the first day we arrive to have a meal followed by ice cream. I just hope someone remembered to buy some, because as nasty as it sounds, I am just not in the mood for Thomas to be upset tonight.

"Of course we can! Grandma Carole has decided we can have take-out pizza tonight and she has already been to the shop to get your favourite strawberry ice cream. It's in the freezer waiting for you." My dad replies, ruffling Thomas' hair again, and gosh am I glad I managed to him to stop doing that to me by the time I was three.

Soon we are in the car, and I am so thankful my dad insisted on getting child seats in his car for when we visited even after I said it didn't matter. I let Thomas ride in the front with my dad as Elizabeth is really sleepy and if she naps now I know she won't be sleeping tonight. And I need some time to talk to my dad and process things.

If I had any belief that Blaine would get home on time, I would expect him to ring me in around 2 hours. However, seeing as he hasn't been home on time much recently, I don't think he'll be back home until close to midnight. And I will not be having a conversation with him on the phone at that time of night. I need some sleep.

On the way to Lima we talk about work for me and the garage for dad and dad asks Thomas about school and hearing him talk about that takes up most of the journey. I'm surprised at how quickly the journey goes, but then again it's been a while since I've seen my dad. And I just feel such an enormous sense of home being with him. One I used to feel with Blaine. I hope that maybe I can get that back with Blaine. My thoughts are back to Blaine again but that's because I love him. Ever since I met him in my junior year, he's been a sort of rock for me. I know I am, well used to be, for him as well. I feel in love with him the first day we met. And even though he didn't reciprocate those feelings straight away, we have been together for a long time, with just one short break up.

It took me a while to trust him again after he cheated on me, but I know that it wasn't all because of him. True, he didn't act the most responsible way by cheating. But I know he may have been less likely to cheat if I didn't ignore him so much, not that I meant to. But I forgave him because I love him. And I took him back and we rebuilt our trust. We've been together so long that my trust for him is stronger now than it was even before he cheated. That however makes this harder, as even now I don't believe he is cheating. It has crossed my mind as a possibility, but that is nothing to do with the past; that's just normal wondering. I'm just left with more questions. Why has he grown so distant? And whatever the reason why hasn't he told me? I know I have to pull myself out of these thoughts but I feel like I can't help it. But I need to focus on my children while they are awake. I also have to put on a brave face so I can get through this family dinner with Carole and Finn too. I know it is going to do nothing but remind me of all the family dinners Blaine has missed recently.

The second we walk into the house, I am greeted with a hug from Carole, and she also talks in my ear like my dad did earlier. "Hey sweetie, it's good to see you. I am sorry it couldn't be under different circumstances."

"Thank you Carole," I respond, and then pull away quickly as I can hear Finn making aeroplane noises and I want to check he isn't putting my son in danger. He isn't, and I can't help but smile at the scene in front of me. Thomas is laughing while being flown around by Finn, and my dad is there holding Elizabeth who is giggling at what is going on. Then it hits me again like a tonne of bricks it shouldn't be Finn doing that with Thomas. It should be Blaine. And I want to cry all over again, but I can't, not right now.

Finn soon puts Thomas on the ground and walks over to me. "Good to see you bro." It's not much and he doesn't address why I am here, but that's because he's Finn. And really, I'm thankful he's acting normal.

"You too Finn, how are you keeping?" I ask. While I speak to my dad as much as I can, I have found my contact with Finn has become less and less over time.

"I'm good thanks bro. I'll go get your bags from the car for you so you can help mom order the pizza. I know what you're like" and it's true I am funny about what I will let the kids, and my dad for that matter, eat.

"Thanks. Just be careful as there are three big cases in there. You may want to do it in two trips." Finn just nods his response and turn towards the front door.

I see Carole walk back in from the kitchen carrying two cups of what looks and smells like coffee, even though I hadn't even realised she had left the living room in the first place. "Here you go. I thought you would like a coffee after the journey. You normally do," she says, handing it to me. She's right, I haven't had one since before I left work for the first time today, before Thomas' school meeting.

"Thank you, Carole, you're a saint."

"Oh it's nothing. Do you want to order dinner, then I can have the kids for you if you want, so you can talk to your dad?"

I sigh "Thank you, but no. I want to get dinner ordered but I don't want to do any proper talking until the children are in bed. This is big enough for them as it is; they don't need to see me in the emotional state I could well get into over all of this. You know how I am."

"Ok, do you want me to order the usual for both you and the kids? I know what pizza they like and you like them having and I know you will want a salad. If you want to stay happy right now, go and enjoy your kids."

"Yes please, if you don't mind. And watch what you order for dad," I remind her, even though she has been living for over ten years with him while I've been in New York. But what can I say, he's my dad and I need him to stick around a good while longer.

"Don't worry I will. Now go on, enjoy those kids. And you might want to intercept before your dad puts something on that telly you don't approve of," she says quickly pointing to the telly. I turn around and walk in to join my dad. To my surprise he actually puts _Little Einstein's _on the telly for Thomas which I am glad about.

I sit down and place my coffee on the table far enough away from Elizabeth's grabby hands. The minute she realizes I have sat down she toddles over to me and sticks her arms out for pick up.

"Dada, up peas," she says and I couldn't deny her, even if I wanted to, so I scoop her up and onto my lap.

"Hello princess, haven't you been a good girl today?" she looks at me confused and I know it's because she can't work out exactly what I am saying, and then she rubs her eyes yawning. "I know sweetie, you're tired. We are going to eat dinner with Grandpa, Grandma Carole and Uncle Finn and then I will get you bathed and into bed." She nods her little head at me before snuggling into me, and I can't help but hold her that extra bit tighter. It isn't long before Thomas turns around and sees Elizabeth sitting on my lap. He walks over to me and without him even asking I know he wants in on the cuddle too. I pat my leg to make it clear he is ok to climb up, and he does so with a bit of help from me. He sits himself on my right leg and snuggles his head into my chest the way he does when he is feeling a bit overwhelmed, and his sister clings to my shirt as if she is afraid I am about to disappear. I hold them both close to me in return. I can't help but allow my heart to over flow with love for the both of them, but at the same time I feel such a big void of emptiness and right now I would do anything for that to be filled again.


	7. 7: A Bit Of Familiar Comfort

I've been and still am ill. I have a feeling it's something that could go on for at least 3 more weeks yet. But as I promised I will get you a chapter a week at least. I didn't really want to post this until chapter 15 was written, but i just can't get chapter 15 to go quite right yet. So i am posting this now for you so enjoy. If I get to 50 reviews before I was going to post, then I will add Blaine's chapter early :D

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I feel awful about it, but I am so glad once the children are in bed. It doesn't help that it took me over an hour to get Thomas to sleep, and he wouldn't let me leave him until he was asleep. I am exhausted; not just physically from the journey, but also mentally exhausted from trying to hold myself together, from trying to stop myself from breaking, but I need to break. I can't hold it in any more.

Finn has gone back to his own place. In a way I am pretty glad. Don't get me wrong, despite a few mistakes, Finn has proven to be an amazing brother, but I don't want him here while I break. I just can't. I just need a dad, and a mom, right now. And I know Carole isn't my real mom, but she is the closest thing I have.

I walk into the living room and either Carole or my dad has already got us all cups of coffee and they are set up on the table. My dad looks over at me and I can tell by the way his face changes that he knows just what I need. He stands up and walks over to me and envelopes me in a hug. I may be almost 30 years old but I don't think I will ever stop needing hugs from my dad, and he knows it. My dad and I might be about the same height but that doesn't stop me from laying my check against his shoulder, the way I had all those years ago when I had come out to him, scared he was going to reject who I was. As we hold each other, I close my eyes and allow myself to think about what is happening in my life. And I finally, after a good few months of needing to, allow myself to properly break.

I think about how much I miss my husband, the person I married not the one he is now or has become. I think about how, a few years ago, I would never have considered the possibility of my life being like this right now. I know we were married at a young age, especially after telling Finn and Rachel to wait, but our relationship hadn't quite been the same. From the beginning we took things slow. We didn't start it off cheating on another person, and it was right. Yes, we had a little slip up a few years into our relationship. But we gave ourselves enough time to heal and to decide what we really wanted, and to be together and get married was what we both wanted. Yes, the decision may have been slightly sped up by the fact that the time my dad's cancer treatment wasn't going well. But can anyone blame me for wanting at least one of my parents at my wedding? Back then when we made those wedding vows, I really did think we would be forever. I didn't think I would be standing here crying into my dad's shoulder just like I had all the times over the years, when I was younger and it was just me and him.

I allow myself to think about all the wonderful times I have shared with Blaine; from the first time he kissed me, sitting in the senior commons at Dalton, to the first time he told me he loved me, over coffee in the Lima Bean in such an unrehearsed way I could tell it had to be true. I even allow myself to think of our first time together. I treasure the fact that we didn't run into that decision, and it is something I will never ever regret. It was perfect. I think about the day we reconciled our relationship. I had taken Blaine as my date to Will and Emma's wedding, and after we somehow ended up in a heated make out session in a very steamy car. I think back to the day we found out our surrogate was pregnant with Thomas and how over joyed we'd been. And again when the same surrogate announced she was pregnant with Elizabeth. I remember the joy we felt and the tears we shed when both our children had been born, all those anniversaries we have shared together, and I just want it all back. Of course there were little disagreements but what relationships don't have them? But never did I imagine we'd end up here.

I don't have any idea how long I have been standing here, but I am pretty sure Carole has joined us, as I am sure I can feel an extra pair of hands on my back trying to soothe me. In a way it makes me break more but that is what I need. I need to break before I can begin to put myself back together again.

I allow myself to think about how things have changed recently, all those broken promises to me and our children. I remember that first time. I had sat on the sofa crying because Blaine was so late home and I had heard nothing from him and was thinking the worst. And then for him to just waltz in and tell me I was silly for worrying. I thought it was a one off thing, but how wrong I was. I think about all those times I have gone without dinner because I have waited for him to get back to eat together, but then I have just felt too sick to be able to eat in the end. All the times I have had to see Thomas' face fall when I have told him he wouldn't be seeing his papa that day. All of the times I have tried to get a screaming Elizabeth to go to him so I can have two minutes to myself but she won't because she has no idea who he is. I think about how I have tried so hard to find out what is causing Blaine to act like he is, and how people are starting to think that he is cheating on me again. How I have tried to make him realized just how loved he is. Last of all I think about how I can't help but think it's my fault. That I have caused him to be like this and that just kills me. It all kills me. It kills me because I love Blaine so much. I always have and I know he will always have a place in my heart. But right now, I know no matter how much I love Blaine something has to change.

"I can't do it anymore," and it's the first thing I say out loud, in what I know is a pretty long time.

"I know kiddo, and you don't have to. I don't know how right now, but we will sort this all out, son." I know that somehow we will sort it out. Unfortunately right now, I also know that when I say we I mean my dad and I will find a way to sort this out. I don't mean Blaine and me, and I really am wondering if Blaine even wants to sort this out.

"I just feel like my world is falling apart dad. I mean look it's gone 9 o'clock and he hasn't rang to find out where I am, so he clearly isn't home once again." I sob.

"What do you mean know where you are?" And oh right, I didn't think about that. No one but Isabelle realizes I left without telling Blaine.

"Let's sit down and I'll explain," I suggest, as really it's not doing my back any good like this and I have a feeling this conversation is going to take a while. My dad pats me on the back once again before releasing me, and I realize I was right about Carole having joined us. I hug her as a way of saying thank you, before making my way to sit down, glad when my dad sits down next to me, instead of in his normal chair.

"Right about Blaine, I know I didn't explain much on the phone earlier other than telling you I was coming home. So I will do it now starting from the start, and you will get what I mean about Blaine not knowing." My dad nods at me to continue so I do just that. "You know we had a meeting with Thomas' teachers today, about his progress this year and also to meet his new teacher with him, to help him with his anxiousness. Well, Blaine promised us this morning that he would be there, but he texted me five minutes before he was supposed to be there to say he couldn't make it, with no reason." I say honestly.

"I'm sorry to say but it sounds like he has been doing far too much of that recently. But I don't understand why that means you are here this time. In my opinion you have been putting up with it too much already." My dad replies and he is probably right. I have put up with it for a long time, but I can't help myself I didn't want to break my family up without really trying to fix it.

"Thomas." I state and I have to pause for a minute before I can continue, and my dad just allows me that time. Its proof how well we really did learn to read each other over those years we lived together, just the two of us. "He asked me if Blaine still loved him, and I almost fell apart right there and then. I don't know how I managed to hold it together to assure him he does, even though I wasn't sure I believed my own words as I said them." The tears start again at the thought of Blaine not loving his own children.

I feel my dad's hand on my knee, "I know it's hard and I know he isn't showing it right now, but I don't think Blaine will ever stop loving those children of yours kiddo."

"I know but having my son ask me that made me realize what all of this is really doing not just to me but the kids as well. Isabelle could tell something was up the second I got back to work. She was the one that insisted I come back here for a few weeks. She is paying me to try and work from here. You know how much trust she has in me and I am just glad from that. However, you may not understand this, but I did it and I can't take it back now. She told me that I should leave without leaving Blaine a note. She said it would give me an indication of how much he really cared and maybe shock him into realizing what he is doing to us. I know it may not have been the best thing to do but I had to." I take a deep breath and wait for my dad to respond, but I'm startled when it is actually Carole that starts speaking.

"Kurt sweetie, I don't think it may have been the wisest thing to do, but I understand why you did it and you can't take that back now. What time was he due home?"

"Around 7 but I doubted he would be home on time. If he follows his resent actions I am looking at closer to midnight, and he can just worry over night like I have for him so many times because I am not speaking to him at that time of night. I just can't take it anymore; I really thought he was it."

"I know you did sweetie. But I know you and even you coming here, to let you break and sort yourself out, doesn't mean it isn't it. We all know you won't give up on Blaine without a fight."

I have to smile at that because really it is true; I will fight for him. "You're right; I just wish that right now I didn't have to fight for him. I wish he was by my side like he used to be." I don't know exactly what but I know I would give almost anything to have my Blaine back. The one that made me feel like the most precious man alive and not like I am just a very inconvenient part of his life.

"We know you do son. And we don't understand Blaine acting like this either. Through everything he has never treated you like this, and I never expected him to. But we will help you get to the bottom of it no matter what the reason, alright? You can make it through this son; you're not alone in it. We are going to help you." Its times like this that I am so glad that my dad has managed to dodge death three times already. I really don't know what I would do without him.

"You have done so well. I don't know many people that would cope with looking after two children and keeping up with a job with the demands that yours has pretty much single-handedly. But now you don't have to do it alone. We will be here to help you with the kids too, and hopefully this will help Blaine realize what he has done to the three of you, and all of you as a family." "I know, it's just so hard. I never expected to practically be a single father to two kids before I turned 30. I feel like it has to have been something I have done to make Blaine act like this. What else could it be?"

"Kurt, you can't blame yourself for this. From what I can see you have done everything in your power to try and sort this out. This isn't your fault, and don't you ever believe it is." "I know, it's just hard not to that's all. I've never exactly been told by many people that I am anything special. Gosh, this town itself spent years trying to put me down. Even I can only take so much before I start believing that maybe everyone else is right." When I finish speaking I can't help but yawn. I really am exhausted. "You are so special Kurt, so so special, and even if you are struggling to believe that right now, I know it's the truth. Along with the fact that you are clearly shattered, you're exhausted. So, get yourself to bed, and we can talk about this some more tomorrow. We'll try and maybe find out why Blaine is being like he is. And don't worry about getting up with the children tomorrow. Carole and I will take care of them." "But dad…" I try to argue, but he doesn't let me he just cuts me off. "Kurt, please don't argue, just let us. They are our grandchildren at the end of the day and I don't mind helping you out. Just enjoy it." I came here to feel loved, not to argue, so I let it go.  
"Alright then, thanks dad. I love you." I agree simply. I don't know what I'd do without my dad. His love and support mean the world to me.

"I love you too, Kurt." I take myself to bed where my thoughts to take over once again. I wonder how long it will take Blaine to realize we have gone, and if he will even care anyway.

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And just as a tease the next chapter is Blaine's POV :D


	8. 8: Gone

So I told you you could have this early if I got to 50 reviews, because wow 50 (well actually 53) reviews already, thank you so much everyone, it means a lot. So yes here you go here is one of the chapters i know a lot of you have been waiting for. Let me know what you think :D Your lucky as you weren't getting this until Thursday/Friday time

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POV of Blaine

I walk into the house and I instantly know something is wrong. I know I'm late again, and I know that is my fault but it's not at the same time. I have my reasons; reasons I don't feel I can tell anyone about. I hate to admit it but I am scared. I am really scared. I am scared what will happen if someone finds out why I am being so distant, but I am also scared of what will happen if I keep being so distant. That doesn't stop me instantly knowing that it's too dark within the house. No matter what time of night, the hall light is always on for Thomas, as he can't sleep without the light on.

I lay my bag down and take my shoes off at the door. No matter how distant I've been from Kurt, I do still try to respect the fact that he doesn't like shoes in the house. That's when I notice that it's too quiet. It may be gone midnight but on Thursday Kurt is nearly always up completing sketches for his end of week meeting on Friday. It's something that's been a constant since he started at Vogue, those big Friday meetings that often run over his morning break and his lunch break. But I can't hear the scratching of his pencil, or the gentle hum of his voice. I don't think he realises it, but he always hums to himself when he is at home designing.

"Kurt, I'm home," I call out to him like I have done so often recently. I expect his normal reply asking me to be quiet because the kids are asleep, but it never comes. So he has either gone to bed, which would definitely be strange especially on a Thursday night, and especially with the hall light being off, or he's not here. But that can't be right, he definitely didn't tell me he was going anywhere, and he wouldn't go somewhere without telling me, right?

I walk towards his study quietly, just in case he is asleep in there, which I doubt as there is no light coming for there either. I peer inside and am instantly struck by how empty it is. He always has 3 portfolios in there of all the current designs he is working on. They are not in their normal place, and I know Kurt would leave them nowhere else in the room. I also notice that most of his sketching materials are also missing and this is not like Kurt at all. I know he won't have left them at work because he doesn't even take them to work; he has a whole other set there.

I walk in the direction of the children's bedroom flicking the hall light on as I go. Maybe Kurt was just so tired that he forgot, I hope. But no, Thomas won't sleep without it; he never has been able to. I peer my head around Thomas' open door, and I quickly realise that he isn't in his bed. Now I am starting to worry. I try and tell myself that Thomas is probably just in our bed with Kurt. But he hasn't been in there in the night for close to two years, so why would he be now? Well, I know one of the most obvious reasons, me not being around. What can I do though? The consequences of me being around could be so much worse right now.

I back out of Thomas' room and walk into Elizabeth's room. Once again I easily notice that she isn't in her cot, I also notice that her bedding is missing, and that is most certainly not normal, even if she is in bed with Kurt. I can feel that my heart is starting to race now. Where the hell are my children? Where is my husband? I walk as fast as I can to the end of the hall and our room and I turn the light on. Right now I'm not caring if I do wake any of them up. But there is no one there. It's gone midnight and my house is empty.

I try and remain calm. I pull out my phone and check; I have no missed calls or messages telling me that maybe they have had to go to the hospital or something. There is nothing. I haven't had a message since after I told Kurt I couldn't make Thomas' school meeting earlier today. It wasn't that I didn't want to be there; I want to be there more than anything. It's that I couldn't be there. I couldn't risk anything happening to Thomas or Kurt if I was there. I walk back towards the stairs and decide to see if there is a note in the kitchen. Maybe Rachel is ill or something and Kurt didn't want to leave her alone. His normal place to leave notes is often in the kitchen. I all but run down the stairs needing to know where my family are. Right now my worst fears are coming true, but surely this can't be what I think it is. I kept to what I said I would. Surely they haven't been hurt, have they?

I get to the kitchen and once again there is nothing. It doesn't even look or smell like Kurt has cooked dinner tonight, which is strange he always cooks for our family ever night, always has done. He will very occasionally buy take out, but there is no smell of that either. Now I am really worried. My husband and children have gone with no word and I have no idea what's happening to them. It hits me all at once; this is what Kurt may have felt like the first day I came home late to find him pacing the floor in tears, worried about me. I feel like someone is squeezing at my heart, as I don't think I ever realized this is what that worry would feel like. Worry I have been putting him through for over 6 months, and for what, because I am scared? I am scared even though I have always told Kurt to have courage and he has always done just that. If only I could follow my own advice.

I decided that the best thing I can do, is make myself a cup of coffee and try to calmly think about this and what could be happening. I need to try and find out where my family are. They are the three people I love most in the world. I know I haven't been acting like it recently, but at the moment I can't even admit to myself why that is.

I make myself a coffee with my thoughts running wild with all the awful things that could have happened to my family. I really hope that none of it is true. I can't lose them. They are all I have in this world and the only three people who love me. Well, I hope Kurt still loves me after everything I have put him through.

I take the cup of coffee in hand and decide to go back upstairs to our bedroom, to see if I can try and work out where Kurt and our children might be. I walk in and sit on our bed and look around the room trying to see if anything seems out of place. It doesn't, which just makes things feel even stranger. I go to place my coffee down on Kurt's bedside table. It's too hot to drink right now and my hands have started to shake with worry. That's when I notice it; the drawer in Kurt's bedside table is ajar. I know it would seem like nothing to most people, but I know Kurt is very particular about keeping drawers and stuff properly closed, especially that one as it's the one we keep the lube and condoms in. I open it and am shocked when I realize that there is nothing but the lube and condoms left inside. Kurt is so organized with the cleaning and the washing that this drawer is normally completely full of his underwear, so the lack worries me. I walk over to our closest and open the door and this time I gasp. It's almost completely empty of all of Kurt's clothing. I then look towards his vanity and I don't know how it didn't strike me earlier but his moisturizers are all missing too.

I hits me like a_freight train. He's left, and he's taken Thomas and Elizabeth and I have no idea where he has gone. I suddenly feel very cold and I start to breath heavily. I have to take myself back to sit down. My husband has gone. He's left me and taken our kids with him. I can't get my head around it. I know I've been an arse but I didn't think that what I have been doing would cause this._

_Who am I kidding? I knew it would cause this. What I didn't know it would cause was the pain I am feeling right now. I have been trying to prepare myself for this for so long. I know it's safer for them to leave me, but that doesn't mean that deep down I hoped beyond anything it wouldn't happen. I feel like there is a massive hole in my heart. Then I understand once again what Kurt may have felt like all those times I broke my promises to him; all those times he had to tell our son I wouldn't be home to put him to bed like I promised, but in a way I can't regret it as I did it trying to protect them. _

_I pick up my coffee again. Right now I need something to calm my nerves. I try and think about where Kurt could be. I quickly remember that I passed the car as I arrived home. So maybe Kurt is somewhere with someone who picked him up. And the only person I can think of is Rachel. But I wonder if Kurt would really go with all that stuff to Rachel's. I know she only has an apartment with two bedrooms, so it wouldn't be ideal for them to stay there for the time Kurt seems to be planning with all the stuff he has taken. _

_Then it hits me. Lima. He has probably taken himself and the children back to Lima. I walk to his office and quickly open our safe where we keep all our documents, and I am not surprised when only my passport is still in the safe. I never have understood why he takes his passport with him to fly back to Ohio but he always has, so it confirms to me where he has gone. I feel a bit better knowing that he is at least safe. But I can't help but feel hurt at the fact he hadn't at least let me know somehow. But then I can't really complain. That is once again exactly what I have been doing to him for the past 6 months, coming home late and not making any contact to let him know about it. _

_Now I am starting to feel conflicted. If I am feeling like this after just once of him doing this, how much have I put him through my doing it for the past 6 months. Maybe I wasn't right to do it after all. No, no, I had to do it. It was for their safety. What else what I meant to do? I feel a tear roll down my cheek, because I do love Kurt, and knowing I have driven him to this no matter what the reason hurts. I know I can't ring Kurt right now. I can't let him know I am crying over this, so I walk back to our bedroom instead. For the first time in I don't know how long, I curl up on Kurt's side of the bed and pull my pillow close to my chest. I allow myself to inhale the scent that is wholly Kurt; his coconut moisturizer and his slightly woody cologne. I allow myself to cry over what I have been forced to make myself lose. But I know I can't stay sad for too long. It's my fault and I also need to ring Kurt just to check that he is in Lima._

_Once I have stopped crying I pull my phone out again and dial Kurt's number. It doesn't even ring; it goes straight to voice mail, so I decided to leave a message._

_"Kurt it is just me. I was just ringing because I noticed you had gone and taken your clothes with you. I am guessing from the fact your passport has gone you are in Lima. I just thought I would ring to check, but your phone isn't on, so I will just go to bed, night."_

_I put my phone down and get out of my clothes, leaving me in just my boxers, and climb into bed. It is only as I start to fall into sleep, that I realized what I said not long ago on the phone. As I replay my message over in my head, I take note of what it means. They are in Lima. Lima, Ohio. The one place they may actually be in more danger than here with me. _


	9. 9: I'll Never Leave You

Thank you to all the lovely reviews for the last chapter, because really guys it means so much i got around 20 reviews just for the previous chapter. I am glad how Blaine came across in that. I believe it gave a nice bit of depth to the story seeing things we can't from Kurt's POV. However this chapter is back to Kurt's POV. We will see more from Blaine's POV and at least one other character in the future.

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Kurt's POV

I wake up in the morning and at first I don't know what woke me, but I soon realize. I can here shouting.

"No I want daddy, Grandpa let me see daddy." I hear Thomas cry.

"Thomas we want to let your daddy sleep. He is tired. Let's make you breakfast and then we can watch the telly until he wakes up." I hear my father reply, trying to calm him down. While I appreciate the thought my dad had by trying to give me extra time in bed, I don't want my son upset just so I can have a bit more sleep.

"No, I want my daddy to make my breakfast. Daddy always makes my breakfast." I can tell now, just by listening to his voice, that Thomas has started crying. I get myself up and pull my robe off the back of the door where I had placed it last night. I open the door and walk out; the second Thomas sees me he runs and grabs hold of my leg.

"Daddy, daddy, Grandpa wouldn't let me come and see you! But you always make me my breakfast in the morning." Thomas wails at me.

I bend down so I am at his level and wipe the tears off his fact. "It's all right sweetie. Grandpa was just trying to help me. You don't need to get upset. I'm awake now anyway, so I will make your breakfast, ok?" I ask gently, trying to diffuse the situation.

"Ok daddy. I am sorry." Thomas says, giving me a hug.

"It's okay. Now go and give Grandpa a hug and say sorry for shouting at him please." He does as asked and we start to make our way downstairs.

"Where is Elizabeth?" I ask my dad. I know it's not too late, but if she didn't start screaming from that noise, then I am pretty sure she is already awake.

"She's downstairs with Carole. She started crying around 6 this morning and we didn't want her to wake you, so Carole got up with her. Last I checked they were reading stories." He reassures me. While it does reassure me, once again it makes me sad. Just like when Elizabeth went to Rachel better than she goes to Blaine the other week, she was happy with Carole getting her up this morning. I wish she still had the bond with Blaine that allowed him to do that.

True to what my dad said as we walk into the living room, I see Carole sitting on the sofa with Elizabeth on her lap, both of them surrounded by Elizabeth's picture books. Thomas runs over to the toy box and pulls out a few of his toys cars to play with.

"Morning Kurt, I see your dad's plan to let you sleep in and get Thomas up for you didn't work." She comments gently.

"No it didn't, but I don't mind. Everything is a bit up in the air for him at the moment." I reply back and it's true. Coming back here over 3 weeks earlier than I had planned and without Blaine has thrown me enough and I am the one who made the decision. The sound of my voice causes Elizabeth to turn round and notice me.

"Dada, Dada," she screams happily at me. Wriggling down from Carole's lap and running over to me as much as her wobbly legs will allow her.

"Hello sweetie," I greet, picking her up to give her a quick cuddle, "Are you enjoying stories with Grandma Carole?"

"Books," She replies wiggling to get down, and I know she wants to go back over to Carole. I make it easier for her by walking over and passing her back to Carole. Carole offers me a smile, and I can see from the way she smiles that she is feeling sorry for me that Thomas didn't let me sleep. But that is life when you have children and I know it all too well.

"I am going to make Thomas some breakfast does Elizabeth need some too?" I question."

"No sweetie, she asked me for breakfast when we got up so I fed her. I hope you don't mind." Carole explains.

"No, thank you very much. You didn't have to do all this for me."

"Don't worry about it, it was nothing. I can tell you haven't been getting much help lately." She's right, and it hurts; it really hurts. I close my eyes and try and hold back the tears but I know a few have escaped anyway.

"Don't cry daddy," I hear Thomas say to me, and damn why is he so perceptive at times? I don't want him to see me like this.

"Don't worry Thomas, daddy is okay," I reassure him. He's five and I really don't want him worry about me. "Shall we go and make you your breakfast?" I say trying to get him mind onto other things.

"Can I have pancakes please? It's been agesssss since we had them!" he pleads, giving me those puppy dog eyes that he damn well just had to inherit from Blaine, didn't he. Not only does it make it hard for me to say no to him, but it is just another reminder of how much I miss Blaine. Thinking of Blaine, I need to actually turn my phone on at some point soon to see if he did actually ring at all last night. But seeing as my son is still giving me those puppy eyes I think I need to make his pancakes first.

"Of course we can. Come on, do you want to help me make the mixture?" Thomas loves helping me cook, just like I did with my own mother, but we just don't have the time very often, especially when I am trying to watch him and Lizzie.

I open my mouth to ask Carole if she minds watching Lizzie, but I don't even get the first word out of my mouth and she is talking. "Go and have some fun with your son. I will watch Elizabeth. I will bring her in if I think she needs you."

"Okay, thank you Carole. The least I can do is offer you a drink though?" I say, because if my son wants pancakes, I need coffee, so I don't burn them.

"I'll have a tea if you are making, and I wouldn't say no to some of those pancakes when they are done either." Carole replies. I know that she will have been the only one cooking in this house. It's not like my dad or even Finn can really cook, so I don't mind at all. I take Thomas' hand and walk him into the kitchen with me.

We have a really fun time making pancakes together, and when they are done, I call Carole and my dad into the kitchen to join us, know that Elizabeth won't say no to a second breakfast. I dish up everyone's pancakes, and am about to sit down with my own cup of coffee when my dad shots me a look that clearly tells me to get my own plate of food. I didn't want to as I really don't feel like eating In fact, I feel sick. I want Blaine. It's all I can think about right now; wanting my husband here with me. But he isn't and I can't do much about that right now.

I grab myself a plate and just put one pancake and a small helping of fruit onto it. I'm hoping I will at least be able to stomach that much food, without it wanting to come back up. Honestly I know I should try anyway, Thomas has already seen me crying I don't want him to worry about me any more if he notices I am not eating.

Breakfast passes quickly and I am soon left with one very messy toddler. That's what I get for letting her feed herself. I use a flannel to wipe her up and then do the same to Thomas even though he isn't in half as much of a mess as Lizzie was.

I go with the children back into the living room, and set them up to play so I can hopefully go and get a shower. Really even with coffee I don't feel able to start the day properly without a shower. Thomas asks to colour, and seeing as Carole offers to watch, I set up colouring for both him and his sister. It is one of the things Thomas loves most. He is definitely an artistic child. I know I will just get scribbles from Elizabeth but that doesn't stop me loving her drawings all the same.

I am just about to leave the living room to head upstairs when I hear Thomas call me. "Daddy where are you going?" he asks worriedly. I hate the fact he is so worried just because I am leaving him for a few minutes. He isn't normally like this.

"I'm just going to get a shower, so we can take you and Lizzie for a walk to the park darling." I say gently.

"But I don't want you to leave me daddy. I want you to stay here with me." Is Thomas' reply and this certainly isn't normal behaviour for him.

"I will be here with you. I will just be upstairs. Grandpa and Grandma Carole are here if you need anything ok?"

"No daddy, no. Please don't leave me." And gosh what am I meant to say to that? I don't understand why he is so scared all of a sudden. It worries me; other than around new people Thomas is never like this. He is always loves spending time with his grandparents; well his grandparents from my side anyway. Neither of the children has ever met their grandparents from Blaine's side. Once again, I am back thinking about Blaine. I just don't understand why almost everything I think about at the moment makes me think of Blaine. All I know is that right now I don't want to think about Blaine. Just for half an hour I wish I could forget about all the stress that's going on with him, and just allow myself to feel happy. But I can't because without Blaine I'm not complete, and if I'm not complete how am I meant to feel happy?

I walk over and pick Thomas up, before sitting down on the sofa with him on my lap, so I can talk to him.

"Can you tell me why you don't want him to go anywhere please?" I ask gently because I need to get to the bottom of it. No matter what, I can't be with him constantly.

"I'm scared daddy." is all he says, but I know it's more than just him being scared. However it doesn't look like he is going to tell me without me asking more questions. I pull him into a cuddle trying to offer comfort.

"What are you scared of Thomas? You know you can tell daddy, and I won't be angry right? I just want to try and help you." It's all I want. Even if I can't be happy right now, I want my children to be happy and feel safe.

"I know, but I don't want to make you sad," and right now it's that fact he is worried about making me sad that is making me sad, not what is actually wrong.

"I am sure you won't make me sad. But I do want to know so I can make my special little boy happy." I know that sometimes when Thomas is scared he just takes a little bit of prompting to speak about what is making him upset. As a parent it is something I never want for either of my children to be unhappy.

"Okay," Thomas says snuggling even closer to me, and I am glad that Blaine and I have made sure he knows it okay to need comfort from us. "I am scared that if you leave me for a little bit, then you will start leaving me a lot like papa." He tells me honestly. I sound have known really that it would be something like that making him scared.

I know I have to think carefully about what I tell our son right now, I don't know why Blaine isn't around, but I can't make Thomas think he doesn't want to be around even if it is true.

"Thomas, daddy would never leave you sweetie. And papa isn't leaving you on purpose either. It's just a few things beyond papa's control, okay?" I try to explain gently without putting any more doubts into the small boy.

"I love you, daddy." Is the response I get back, and I can't help but smile, my son telling me he loves me always makes me feel warm inside.

"I love you too, Thomas." I say back because I do. I love him, Elizabeth and Blaine more than anything in the world, along with my Father. I know I probably shouldn't give in to him right now but if he is feeling insecure I feel like I need to. "Would it make you feel better if you sat in the bathroom while I have a shower?"

I feel Thomas nod against my shoulder, and I've just realised that he is gaining comfort by laying his cheek on my shoulder, a very similar way to what I did with my own dad last night. It makes me want that comfort back again and knowing this is hurting my son, makes me wish I had a magic wand that could sort it all out. But I don't, so I can't.

As I go through the day I slowly realize that Thomas isn't letting me out of his sight, not even just to go to the bathroom. It's hard because I have got so used to him being a fairly independent child and having him at my feet constantly just isn't normal. By the time I get him into bed I am absolutely exhausted from all the little things I had to keep doing to stop Thomas getting upset. I crawl into my own bed and finally have time to look at my phone, something I've wanted to do all day. I see I have a missed call and voice mail from Blaine; well at least he realized we weren't in the house.

I listen to the message, and I start crying all over again. Because really, is he not bothered that I just got up and left with our two children without so much of a word? I would have though he would have at least been a bit angry or emotional over the whole thing but nothing. It makes me wonder if it's even possible to get the man I married back.


	10. 10: Need To Break

Just another thank you to all of you reading and reviewing this story because really 83 reviews I can't believe it at times honestly. My amazing beta got 2 very important chapters back to me this morning, so I thought I would give you this.

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I wake up Sunday morning to find Thomas fast asleep in bed with me once again. Just like he had been every morning since my dad tried to get him to go downstairs without me. It doesn't take me long to realize why I woke up. I can hear the soft whimpering of Elizabeth coming from next door.

I creep out of the room, trying not to wake Thomas. It took me a good two hours to get him back to sleep after he brought himself into my room crying. I thought this whole being away from Blaine and broken promises would maybe help us all. Now I'm starting to wonder if I should have just stayed. I mean, I'd much rather feel hurt and let down myself instead of having my kids suffer. I thought I was doing the right thing after what Thomas asked me but maybe I was wrong.

I have managed to get in to Elizabeth while I've been mulling things over to myself, and as I lean over her cot to pick her up she gives me the most dazzling smile that just melts my heart.

"Dada," she says reaching out her arms for me to pick her up. And I do, swiftly pulling her close to me in a hug, allowing me to take in the scent of her baby shampoo.

"Hello princess, I see you don't think daddy needs any sleep either." I say gently. Really I haven't exactly been getting to sleep early since I have been here, and then with Thomas waking me up I can't have had more than 4 or 5 hours. Elizabeth doesn't answer just snuggles into me even further. I love the mornings when she's like this and wants to have cuddles with me rather than wriggling to get down and play.

I carry her out of the room, peeking my head back into my room to check on Thomas. When I am sure he's sleeping, I back out of the room leaving the door slightly open hoping I will be able to hear when he wakes up. I go downstairs with Elizabeth, deciding I might as well make myself a cup of coffee if I'm going to be up until at least 10 or 11 again tonight. Plus, I know Elizabeth won't say no to having me build towers with her for her to knock over.

I don't know exactly how long Elizabeth and I are sitting playing, other than I finished my coffee a while ago. When I suddenly hear the cry of "Daddy" from upstairs I know instantly that Thomas is panicking because I'm no longer in the room with him. I feel awful, but I don't know what else I can do. I know Elizabeth will wake Thomas if I take her in that room as soon as she gets up and that's not fair. But I also hate hearing Thomas cry like this for me because he's scared I've actually properly left him.

I pick Elizabeth up and walk quickly up the stairs and into the room, to see Thomas with tears streaming down his face. "Hey kiddo it's alright. Daddy didn't leave you; he was just downstairs playing with your sister," I try and reassure gently, as I sit on the bed and scoop him onto my lap to join Elizabeth. "Remember daddy isn't going to leave you; sometimes he just isn't always in the same room, ok?"

"Yes daddy," he sniffles in reply. "I love you daddy."

"And I love you Thomas, and your early morning riser of a sister." I say back, hoping it will calm him down more.

Suddenly there is a knock at the door, and that's when I realize all the noise must have woken Carole or my dad.

"Come in," I say wanting to apologize for waking them. Soon Carole peeks her head round the door.

"Morning," she says gently. "Is everything ok?"

"Morning. Yes, it's fine. I'm sorry the noise woke you." I know it can't be nice being disturbed in your own house. "Thomas thought I'd left him again," I explain, knowing that she will understand straight away.

"That's alright. How about I help you with breakfast?" and I'm so glad I'm not on my own right now, as I just feel like everything is getting to be too much. I feel like no matter which way I turn things are somehow going to end up wrong. And I or my children or all of us will end up hurting.

That afternoon I know where I have to go; I need to see my mom. My dad is amazing and he really has been great these past few days; both he and Carole have. But sometimes you just need your mom. I feel lost and sometimes I feel like she is the only one who can bring me back.

I had been hoping to make this trip while my dad and Carole or Finn looked after the children, but I know by the fact Thomas hasn't left my side for anything all day, that isn't going to happen. I know I'm going to have to take him with me. While I wouldn't mind normally, we normally take a visit to her grave every time we're in Lima, there are just some things I can't talk to my mom about with my 5 year old son present. I just won't do it. But at least I can have a conversation with her in my head. I happy, yet surprised that after 22 years that I can still hear her voice just as I remember it before she died.

We arrive at the graveyard in Carole's car. I'm glad they are happy to let me lend one of their vehicles. It's just Thomas and me. Finn was happy to spend some time with his only niece. Thomas is sitting next to me holding the flowers he helped me pick out for my mom, his grandma. He knows who we are going to see; we have explained to him before that Carole isn't my real mom. That's why he calls her grandma Carole and not just Carole; he knows this is his real grandma.

The flowers we have picked out for her are white lilies. They always were her favourite flower. One of my favourite childhood memories is going every week with my dad to the florist to help him pick flowers for her. It was a special thank you for the wonderful Friday night dinner we know we would get. I know there weren't many occasions the flowers we got her weren't lilies.

I jump out of the car and walk around to get Thomas. I take his hand in mine as we walk the path I know only too well towards my mother's grave. What strikes me how similar this is from the first few times my dad and I visited her here. Him gripping my hand so I knew I wasn't alone. That's exactly what I'm doing to Thomas. But actually it seems to be reminding me that I'm not alone, because right now without Blaine that's exactly how I feel.

I know I've got my dad, Carole, Finn and our children, but I want Blaine. He loves me, or did love me, in a different way to any of the others. Because he wanted to love me, because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and without that I feel lost. After spending close to half your life with somebody it really is hard to be without them in such a big way. And yes it's scary but it really has been almost half my life. We met when I was 16 and got together when I was closer to 17 but I'm almost 30 so it really is a good proportion of my life. I've gotten used to him being there to just give me a hug or a kiss for no reason, or surprise me with my own flowers every week. But right now that's gone and I don't know what to do without it.

We arrive at my mother's grave and still holding Thomas' hand I run my hand over the gold engraving on the white marble stone. The saying 'you don't know what you've got until it's gone' instantly comes to mine. And right now I'm talking about both my mom and Blaine; I could probably even use it on my dad as well.

When I was a child, before my mom died, I didn't realize people, especially parents, could just suddenly leave you. It's a harsh reality everyone learns at some point in their lives; I just learnt it earlier than many. I was also almost left by my dad in my junior year of high school, and that made me realize that in many ways I was taking him for granted, because really deep down our relationship was and still is sacred to me. And now I've lost Blaine. I always knew I loved him and would tell him so a good few times a day. I just didn't realize how wound into those little things of my day he really was. And without that, just like when I lost my mom and when my dad was lying in that hospital bed close to death, I feel empty. It took months for me to smile after losing my mom, and now it feels like hardly anything can make me smile, not even some of the things my children do that always used to make me smile. If I'm being honest with myself, I would say I could easily be classed as depressed. But right now I'm acting as a single father to my two children and I just can't allow myself to be. I can't stop because nothing around me stopping and my children need me.

"Hi mom," I say softly, as I sit on the ground. I'm glad it's late July so the grass is dry. I don't know why, but when I am here I always talk out loud to my mom; it just feels more personal that way. "I've brought Thomas with me to see you," I speak, encouraging Thomas to sit on my lap. "He helped me pick you some flowers, lilies; I know they were always your favourite." I take hold of the flowers and unwrap them gently before offering them back to my son. I guide his hands carefully towards the gravestone and help to place the flowers down gently.

"Hello grandma. I got you these. I hope you like them," he says softly. I don't ever make him speak when we are here but I do make sure to give him time where he can do so, if he wants to. He may not say much but I know to him it means something.

"He's growing up so fast, isn't he? So is Elizabeth. Thomas starts first grade in September; I really don't know where the time has gone. Just like I can't believe it's been almost 22 years since I last saw you. It feels like so long ago, mom. And so, so often I wish you were still here. I miss you so much. And I know people say it gets better but it doesn't, not really. I have learnt to live with you not being here but that doesn't make it any easier at all. I know that I will always miss you." I like being able to just speak out to my mom, in the hope she can hear me. I let her know just a few things that are going off and how I'm feeling. However, I suddenly realize that it's too quiet and I look down to see that Thomas has fallen asleep in my arms, probably due to his lack of sleep last night. Well, it wasn't quite what I had planned but at least it means I can have that conversation with my mom.

"I didn't plan on being back in Lima yet though mom. To be honest nothing in this is going how I planned. Things with Blaine aren't going well, and well you know what I am like; I just needed to talk to my mom about it." Sometimes I can just explain things to my mom better than I can my dad.

"I'm worried he doesn't love me anymore mom, and I just feel so lost. You know what I went through when he cheated on me all those years ago. I came down here every time I was home and told you about it. Well some people think he's doing it again. I will admit the thought has crossed my mind, not because he has done it previously, but just because of the way he has been acting. I feel so lonely. I didn't realize what a big hole would be left behind without him. I've come back to Lima without him, hoping that he might realize what's he's doing to me and the children. I mean, this boy in my arms even asked me if Blaine still loves him. While deep down I know he at least still loves the children, I am wondering if he still loves me anymore." I love being able to sit here and just pour my heart out to my mom. It always helps me when I need to get stuff off my chest; even if I am getting no reply back, it allows me to clear my head.

"I came here thinking that maybe a break would help everyone. But it hurts mom. It's hurting me because I'm not used to being without Blaine, and it's hurting Thomas. He won't leave my side; he is terrified I am going to leave him too. I just don't know where to turn next. I am so confused. I really wish you were here to give me a hug right now. I don't know what I am going to do if Blaine is cheating on me or does want us to end our relationship. I'm not ready to be a single parent mom. I love Blaine so much; I just wished he still loved me." Thinking about Blaine's love for me in past rather than present or future tense hurts, and I allow myself to cry. Really I haven't been able to cry much since I have been here. I am the adult. I know I have to be at least somewhat responsible in this situation so I've had to stay strong. However, sometimes I just can't stay strong anymore and even I need to break.


	11. 11: A Deeper Reason

So I know glee is on tonight so some may not read this straight away. But i promised at least 1 update a week, and realized i haven't updated since the 7th so that means i am due to update by today so to keep my promise here is this. Hope you enjoy.

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Kurt's POV

A few days have passed since I visited my mom with Thomas and unfortunately I am not feeling any better like I had hoped. If anything, I was actually feeling worse. The last contact I had from Blaine was the voice mail he left me when he realized me and the children had left. I decided not to contact him, hoping that it would encourage him to contact me again, but that didn't seem to be happening. Over a week after we arrived, it seems he doesn't really care what is going on after all. If I'm being honest with myself, this was one of my biggest fears, that I would find out that he really didn't care about me or the kids anymore. And I just don't know what to do about it.

I think my dad and Carole are both really worried about me too. I can tell by the way they speak to me, just the little things such as checking I'm ok. And I keep saying I am, even though I'm not. And there is the looks they give me, as if they wish they could help or take this all away. My dad told me that I need to ring Blaine because I can't leave it like this; no matter what I need to do something. I know he's right, but what am I meant to say to the man who is breaking my heart all over again. What hurts more though is that he hasn't at least tried to contact me for the children. I mean deep down I knew all along that no relationship is guaranteed to last forever. I was however certain that, no matter what, Blaine would always love our children. Was I wrong?

However his not contacting me and behaving like he has been doesn't add up. Something is missing. I've come to know Blaine inside and out. And well, something deep down is nagging me, telling me that maybe there is more going on than meets the eye. I know Blaine often bottles things up until he is ready to explode or break, but normally if it's something big, and surely it has to be if it is causing this separation between us, he would have broken by now. His walls would have come down and he wouldn't have been able to hold it back.

Honestly I don't know for sure if it's just wishful thinking or genuine insight into Blaine, but something is telling me that this isn't just him walking away from us because he doesn't care anymore. I do know however, that no matter what it is what my dad said to me earlier is right. I 'can't keep ignoring the problem it won't make it go away'. And whether that's the problem that may be bothering Blaine, or the whole problem of our relationship I don't really know. But I know I need to contact Blaine, as it's pretty clear he isn't contacting me.

I take out my phone and as soon as I do, my eyes are drawn to the lock screen and to the wonderful family picture of the four of us I have on there. And gosh we all look so happy! And really I think we were. It occurs to me that it was taken a few weeks before Blaine started to become distant, so maybe he was having problems even then.

I'm not thinking or wondering about anything; I'm just looking at the picture of us. After a while I realize I need to contact Blaine today. No matter what happens I know nothing is going to be solved or broken by a phone call, but I know I have to at least try and do something.

I unlock the phone and locate his number; I can't help but smile at the picture I have set as his contact picture. It's of the two of us looking so happy, and maybe slightly drunk, at Wes' wedding, just over a year ago. Neither of us ever though it would take Wes so long to settle down, but it did. But that doesn't mean we didn't support him every step of the way when he finally did.

My finger hovers over the call button for a few seconds, but I know I just have to press the call button before I talk myself out of it. The phone rings and I am pretty sure it's about to go to voicemail when Blaine picks up.

"_Kurt?" _Is all I get from the other side, but at least it's something.

"Yes it's me," I reply. "I thought I would just ring to see if you were okay, because you've only rang once since the children and I left." For the first time in so long I actually feel awkward talking to Blaine and it isn't something I'm used to.

"_I didn't think I needed to. I gathered where you and the children had gone, so I didn't see the point. I know you're safe." _ At first I want to be angry for what he says, but I can tell something is off. Both for the tone he was using while he spoke, and from his final sentence. He has no reason to believe we wouldn't be safe, so has no reason to make a comment like that. I really am starting to wonder if I am right about there being something more under the surface here.

"Of course we are. We are with my dad. Why wouldn't we be safe?" I ask gently, wondering if he will say more.

"_Oh no reason," _he replies blankly.

"Okay, I thought you may have at least rang to speak to the children though. Especially Thomas, he misses you, you know." I say gently hoping that maybe I can get more out of him.

"_Well I've been busy with work, I haven't had time, and really I don't have time now I need to get to bed. I'm needed at work at 9 tomorrow_."

"But Blaine, you can't just keep…" I don't get to finish my sentence however, he quickly cuts me off.

"_Bye Kurt_," and then all I hear is the tone, letting me know he's ended the call.

I'm left more confused than before I rang him. If I am trying to find anything remotely positive in it, I can say that it's one of the longest conversations we have had in the past month. However something just seems off. I know that the whole way Blaine has been acting seems off, but it just seems like there is something more to this. Something I can't put my finger on. But something is niggling away inside me telling me it's there. Whatever it is, it seems that as soon as Blaine realized I had noticed his slip up he closed off. So whatever it is he clearly doesn't want me to know for some unknown reason.

I know that there are so many things it could be, so many things he doesn't want me to know. The first one to cross my mind is the obvious that he could be cheating on me. But I can't imagine why he would comment about us being safe. I wonder if maybe some how he has gotten himself into some kind of financial trouble that could affect all of us, but seeing as me and the children are not there with him that makes us safe. I wonder if maybe he's had trouble at work, or the gym. I know there have been a few people in the past that don't agree with us, but again I wonder would that really make me or the kids unsafe? And I know that the more I think about this the more different options I am going to think of, and the more confused I am going to get. I pinch the bridge of my nose because really 11pm isn't the ideal time to be thinking about all of this and giving myself a headache. However, I also know that there is already too much running through my mind and that I am not going to be getting to sleep anytime soon. Instead I decide I might as well go downstairs, grab a cup of coffee, and maybe do some designing. Hopefully I will be able to get lost in the designs, just to give my brain a break.

I make sure I shut the kitchen door before putting the kettle on; because I know it's not fair to wake anyone else in the house. There is no reason for them to be up as well. However, I've not even been downstairs a minute when the kitchen door opens and my dad walks in. He only needs to take one look at my face before he speaks.

"What's up kiddo?" and considering that I'm almost 30, the term may seem strange, but to me it offers comfort and consistency.

"I spoke to Blaine," is all I say for now, because really I don't know how to explain any of what I am feeling in words. "Coffee?" I ask, because if I am even going to try and explain, I am not doing it in my dad's kitchen.

"Please son. You can't keep doing this to yourself, you know," he tells me worriedly. I nod in response because I know that I can't, but that doesn't mean I can stop it. If I want this relationship with Blaine to continue we need to talk, but that doesn't seem to be happening. At the same time, if he thinks we do need to break for good, then he needs to tell me that too. But once again that doesn't seem to be happening. I feel trapped. And no matter what, nothing will stop me worrying about Blaine.

I make the coffee in silence before moving into the living room. Sitting on the sofa, I pull my legs up under me and cradle my coffee like it's my lifeline. To be fair, with the amount of sleep I am getting, it is.

"You've got to talk about this son," my dad tells me gently, but in that tone that I know leaves pretty much no room for negotiation.

"There's something wrong with him dad." Because really I don't know how else to explain it when I don't even know what it is myself.

"I think we have known that for a while. Don't you Kurt? Or you wouldn't be sitting in my living room right now. Would you?" I know why my dad is responding how he is. He hates seeing me hurt. And I know that the anger he has gets directed towards the person who is causing it, in this case, Blaine.

"No dad. Just let me try and explain," I say, just hoping he will listen without taking anything wrong. "I know that I am here in the first place because something isn't right. But I am starting to wonder if there is more of an underlying cause than just Blaine cheating or not wanting to be with me anymore. He wasn't himself on the phone. And I know you are going to say he hasn't been himself for the past 6 months, and no he hasn't, but there's something else there dad. I don't know what it is. But I know my husband. And I know he almost let his walls fall on the phone just now. But he won't, because there is something he doesn't want me to know. But that isn't all. He mentioned knowing the kids and I are safe. What reason has he got to think we wouldn't be safe? There is something there. Right now I don't know if it's something he got himself into or what, but I am sure there is something. But he won't let me in and he won't tell me what, and I just don't know what to do anymore, dad! Every day I feel like I am getting that bit closer to breaking beyond the point of return and I'm scared."

And really, I didn't mean for it all to come out like that, but it did. And it does feel better, because I have tried being strong and acting like everything is okay, but it's not. And right now it doesn't feel like anything is ever going to be right again. And I don't know how to deal with that. I don't know how to deal with my own emotions. I spent years building walls up against everyone else, but I couldn't deal with myself. And right now I am being faced with having to deal with the biggest of my own fears, and I just don't know how to cope with that.

"Ok, kiddo, calm down." My dad's voice brings me out of my own head. "I know how hard you are finding this. But first off, you don't have to pretend you are ok, because we don't expect you to be; if anything, we would be worried if you were. Second off, I understand where you are coming from about Blaine not being himself, but I don't want you to get even more hurt, if it turns out this is all to do with wanting your relationship over, or him being unfaithful to you again. And I really don't want it to be true Kurt. I know what he means to you, but I can't promise that it isn't the truth. I think deep down you know that."

"Yes, I know that it could be true," I say honestly, because while I don't want it to be, I know it could be.

"I think you just need to stop for a while. You have spoken to Blaine and you said yourself that is getting you nowhere. But it is getting you stressed. You need to take a step back and think about if there is any way you could try and sort this out. But you also need to sort your head out. Because, don't take this the wrong way, but I am wondering if you are reading into it; because you want there to be a deeper meaning to why this is happening. A deeper meaning that will mean you don't have to hurt any more, and while, in a way, I hope that is true, as I father I wouldn't be doing my job properly if I allowed you to only think that and end up hurting even more."

"I know dad. And you are probably right. You know how I deal with pain. You know I shut myself off from it, and maybe that is what I am doing here. I just feel so down."

"I know you do kiddo. But torturing yourself and staying up until gone midnight, when I know full well Thomas has been in your room every night and you've spent hours getting him back to sleep, isn't going to help. Get yourself off to bed. Because right now the best thing you can do, is stay rested, because if there really is a deeper meaning there, well it could lead to a lot more difficulty to come kiddo."

"Thank you, dad. I love you," I say, as I decide to listen to him and head to bed.

"I love you too Kurt," is his reply. I allow myself to leave the room, wondering what tomorrow will bring. And I know that my dad is probably right. No matter what is going on here, I may be in for more pain before any of my wounds can start to heal.


	12. 12: Maybe I Will Get Through

Right so I promised Little Christmas Night that i would put this up as soon as i got chapter 18 back from my beta as i wanted to put it up early to thank everyone for reaching 100 reviews, but really wanted chapter 18 back first, and well true to my world, i literally got it back to here you go. So yes thank you to everyone who has reviewed this it means a lot. I may make you wait close to a week for the next chapter(s) as the next two have to be posted at the same time. Hope you enjoy this is quite a fluffy chapter

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Kurt's POV

Sitting in the car on the way to Fort Wayne, I still wonder how Finn managed to talk me into this. Because anyone who knows me, knows only too well that I do not do Zoos. I am not against going out and having a good time with my children, but I have never been a person that has really agreed very much with zoos. However, the conversation with my dad had been playing in my head and I realize I did really need to stop for a while.

I understand now that if I keep panicking about Blaine, when I am not in a good place because of his behaviour, I am either going to make myself ill or crazy, or maybe both. And I have to admit a week later and it is starting to get a bit easier. Yes, it's still difficult knowing that I haven't seen my husband for over two weeks, and that I have only spoken to him once in that time. But I know right now I need to try and focus on other things. I realize the person I need to focus on is me, and I know the best way for me to do that is to focus on the best things in my life right now; my children. I think that is why I allowed Finn to talk me into the zoo trip. Because really, I am not coming here for me; I am coming here for the children, especially Thomas. He has wanted to come back here ever since my dad and Finn brought him last year; I have just never been willing to do so. Elizabeth went last time too, but I am hoping this time she is at an age where she will understand more of the animals and not just want to sleep; which is apparently all she wanted to do last time.

It's strange though, coming out for a day trip with my brother. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's an amazing uncle. He really is. But if anyone would have told me when I first 'met' Finn, when he was helping the other jocks throw me in dumpsters, that I would be here with him now, like this, I would have probably told them they were delusional. Back then, Finn was the classic 'top jock dating the head cheerleader' kind of boy. The one everyone expects to get a semi okay job, get married and have a classic two child family. Things have been anything but that for Finn. It's still weird thinking I got married and ended up with children before he did. I'm kind of glad though. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Rachel to pieces. But as a couple they really didn't work well together. Having said all of that, I am really quite happy with how things worked out. Yes, we had our problems but now I wouldn't be surprised if people that didn't know us back then just think we are proper brothers. And really, to us, we are now.

"Kurt, stop daydreaming and get out of the car. I may be the fun uncle but that doesn't mean I have any idea how to put Lizzie's stroller up." I hear Finn say, and I had no idea we had arrived already.

"I'm coming Finn. If you wouldn't mind, would you get Thomas out of the car please?" I ask, hoping that Thomas will allow Finn to do that. While I can try not to focus on Blaine at the moment, that doesn't mean that I can't still see the cracks his distance has caused, as Thomas will still not leave my side. I think that is another reason I agreed to come here today. I'm hoping that perhaps Thomas will feel comfortable enough to maybe hold Finn's hand or just feel like he doesn't have to be right next to me for at least some part of the day. I love him so much, and I love the fact he does want to be close to me, but I don't like the reasons behind it. I don't like the fact that he is scared I am going to leave him any second. And honestly even I need 5 minutes to myself sometimes. Because no matter how strong I am trying to be I don't always succeed and sometimes I just need a few moments to pull myself together and make myself realize that somehow this will work out. I don't know how it is all going to work out and I don't know what the final outcome is going to be but I know somehow I am going to get through it all.

I get out of the car and swiftly put up Elizabeth's stroller. I have no doubt that she is going to want to walk at times today but I am not willing to come out for the whole day without it. I am happy to see when I go to place Elizabeth in the stroller that Thomas is holding onto the handle. Which means he at least let his Uncle Finn get him out of the car. He may have gone straight to the place he knew I would be but at least it is some sort of progress that he didn't scream for me to get him out of the car.

At 12.30 we decided that it is probably time to sit down and have lunch. I decided to bring a picnic because I am really not keen on my children eating some of the rubbish I know they serve at places like this. However it comes with its own bonus, as it allowed us to just stop on the grass near the park and lay out the picnic blanket. Finn doesn't even seem to mind the fact I made up food for him too, meaning he can't have any of the horrible chips I know he really likes.

"Thank you for getting me to come here today, Finn. I'm having a really good time," and honestly, I am. I am surprised it isn't a little busier but I am kind of glad. Thomas has stayed by my side all day but he seems to have come out of his shell a tiny bit. While he won't let go of my hand, he has been getting excited and telling and showing his uncle Finn some of the animals. To be honest Finn has just turned into a big kid since we arrived. I know he loves places like this, and he really is letting that inner child come out.

"No problem, I thought you might enough getting out properly for the day. And I love spending time with my niece and nephew," he replies back easily. We eat in relative silence for a while with only the occasion question from Thomas or Elizabeth about wanting more food. But I don't mind as it isn't an unhappy kind of quiet. It's just right. And hearing the rush going on around us actually makes it seem quite calming. After a while, Thomas makes it clear he has finished by passing me his plate to put back into the picnic hamper.

"Good boy," I praise him for not just leaving it lying around, "however we can't continue looking around until we have all finished. So you will have to wait," I tell him gently.

It's a while before I get a reply, and when I do I am kind of shocked. "Daddy, can I go and play on the climbing frame while you all finish eating?" he asks me. I only just manage to stop myself choking on the tomato I have just placed in my mouth, because while I had been hoping he would stop being quite so clingy, I hadn't expected him to ask to go and play without me today.

"Of course you can, just stay where daddy or Uncle Finn can see you though, ok?"

"Alright Daddy," he replies, and with that he is up and running towards the climbing frame. I know the smile takes over my face but I can't help it. I really am happy he is feeling a little bit better. I see Elizabeth yawn and decide to place her in her stroller for a nap.

"Seems this trip isn't just benefiting you, huh?" Finn says to me, as I turn back to the food.

"No, I think it is doing him the world of good. I wasn't quite expecting that much progress though," I say honestly.

"Can I be honest with you?" Finn says back, and I nod. After all this time as brothers I like to think we can be honest with each other. "I think seeing you being slightly more relaxed is helping him. I don't think he stays by your side just because he is scared you're going to leave him. I think he is also just trying to make his daddy happy, since his papa isn't." I think about the words for a while, allowing myself to think of both mine and Thomas' behaviour over the last few weeks, and beyond even. And well, maybe Finn has a point.

I look behind Finn, to see Thomas playing happily with another little boy who seems to be around his age, and my heart starts to beat that tiny bit faster, as I love seeing sights like that. I look back at my brother before speaking again. "You know what? I think you could be right Finn. If I think about it, it isn't just here he's been clingy. He's been at his worst here, but even back in New York over the past few months, he been cuddling up to me more and stuff. I didn't even think it could have anything to do with me and Blaine. I really do try not to let him be affected by it all. It's hard though, you know? He's such a damn perceptive child. I don't want him to know how much I am hurting over this, and, in all honesty, I am hurting even more so than when he cheated on me. Because at least then, I knew what was going on. This time though, I am in the dark. But for some reason Thomas seems to just be picking up on everything." And I didn't mean to let all my feelings out to Finn, but it's nice to be able to.

"I know it is Kurt. I'm not going to pretend I have any idea what you are going through, because I really don't. All I know is that something is up, and Blaine isn't being Blaine. I don't know how this situation is going to play out, and I really hope that somehow you and Blaine can sort this out. But whatever happens I hope you know we will all be here for you." And I can hear the _sincerity_ in his voice.

"Thanks Finn, it means a lot."

"I know, now come here," Finn says opening his arms to give me a hug. It's something that has gotten more common over the years, and sometimes it's nice to have a bit of brotherly love.

The rest of the day goes really well, and Finn treats each of the children to a teddy from the gift shop. When we arrive home I notice that I can move around the house without Thomas needing to be by my side. And when my dad joins me in the kitchen before dinner, even he comments on it. I am however happy when it is finally time for me to go to sleep, because as much as I enjoyed the day I must say, it has worn me out. When I am climbing into bed, for the first time in a long time, I go to bed feeling that no matter what may happen from here on in somehow, with all the support I have, I will get through.


	13. 13: Not Giving Up

So I told you that at some point you would be getting too chapters in one day and I also told you you get a chapter that wasn't Kurt or Blaine Point of view well that's this chapter. And the chapters being posted together are also today this chapter 13 and Chapter 14. You will realize why they needed to be posted together when you read them. Which is the reason why it's taken me a whole week to get them up, because i wanted to write a bit more before I did so. These chapters so answer a few of the questions some of you have had about Blaine even if they don't give away everything yet. I really hope you enjoy. Let me know what you think.

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**Wes' POV**

As I approach the door with Melissa, I am quite excited. It's been a while since I've seen Kurt and Blaine, so I am looking forward to having an evening out with both of them. It's something the four of us have done quite often since Melissa and I got together a few years ago, but recently we just haven't had time. I knock on the door and am rather surprised at how long it is before I hear any movement from behind it. Because Kurt Hummel-Anderson lives here, and I know what he's like when we go out. He spends hours getting ready but he is always ready bang on time. Finally the door opens and I am shocked by what I see.

Blaine is standing behind the door wearing what looks like sweats and a baggy Henley, with no gel in his hair. And this is Blaine we are talking about. 'I go through a bottle of gel a week' Blaine. He is never seen without gel in his hair.

Guys what are you doing here?" Blaine questions me, and once again that shocks me because as I said, Kurt lives here and Kurt is the most organized person I know.

"Blaine," is all I manage to reply at first, because really, I am in total shock. I manage to finish the sentence however. "We're here, because the four of us are meant to be going out; Melissa and Me and you and Kurt." I see something flash across Blaine's eyes the second I mention his husband's name, and I'm not quite sure what it is but I know I don't like it. Something's going on here, and I know I have to try and find out what. I've known Blaine for years and I know only too well that this isn't the normal him. It's also surprising that Blaine doesn't reply back to me straight away. So I decide to question him here and now.

"Blaine what's going on?" I ask concerned.

"I er nothing um…" And if I need anything to confirm something is wrong here I just got it, because Blaine is many things, but he is never short of words.

"Blaine let me in," I demand. And I know he isn't going to do it easily. His body language makes me think he's hiding something, and I just have a feeling that it's something big. When Blaine doesn't instantly move, I turn to my wife. "Melissa, darling, would you mind going to the car for me for five minutes so I can speak to Blaine?" I ask her, hoping that maybe Blaine will open up if it's just the two of us. My wife quickly nods at me and walks off, just like I suspected she would. I am glad to see that as she does, Blaine steps back away from the door allowing me to enter the house.

The second I enter the hallway I take off my shoes. I know what Kurt feels about that. It's then I notice that there isn't a single pair of Kurt's shoes by the door. And instantly that strikes me as strange as I know that man owns more pairs of shoes that I do work suits. I also know that a good amount of those shoes are normally by this door. I follow Blaine into the living room wondering what is going on; because I am pretty sure Kurt wouldn't have forgotten us going out. I sit in the chair opposite the couch Blaine has placed himself on. I just look at Blaine hoping that he will at least say something. When I realize he isn't however, I decide to speak myself.

"Blaine, what is going on?" I ask again hoping to get an answer this time.

"Nothing's going on. Why would it be?" Blaine answers too quickly. It's strange how I still know all the little signs of him lying. I remember them all too well from when he was a scared boy that had just moved to Dalton. He did everything he could to hide and lie about his attack and his sexuality. Unfortunately for him he still has the same give away signals.

No matter what it is, I am not in the mood for him to mess around so I decide to just be direct. "Ok Blaine, I will ask it like this then, where is Kurt?" And once again something flashes across his eyes at the mention of Kurt's name. I'm not quite sure if it's sorrow, or hurt or anger but there is something going on. And from what I have so far I am pretty sure it's to do with Kurt.

"He's gone away for work," Blaine replies, too quickly again. "Isabelle asked him last minute when someone had to pull out due to illness. He's gone to Paris for two weeks." And again I know he's lying, because he's looking down fiddling with his Henley rather than looking at me as he speaks. And Blaine is normally a person who is very particular about eye contact during conversations.

I hope that by not replying I will make it obvious to Blaine that I know he is lying. I am not silly and I don't know what he is trying to hide from me, but I do know I will do my damn hardest to find out.

"Blaine!" I say finally, in a tone I am sure I haven't used anywhere but in a court room for a good while. But I mean business right now and Blaine needs to know that. "I've known Kurt for almost as long as I've known you. I might not know him quite as well as I do you, but even I know he doesn't take all his shoes on a work trip, and most of his shoes from your hallway are gone." I state letting him know that I know he is lying. Then I decide to see what his reaction if I ask him about Kurt in a different way. "Where is your _husband_?" The second the word is out of my mouth Blaine's face crumbles, and that's when I know for sure this has something to do with Kurt. I get off of the couch and walk over to sit next to Blaine pulling him into my arms, hoping to offer a bit more support.

"He's gone. They're gone. All three of them. He took the children back to Lima." I hear Blaine choke out and if I hadn't been waiting for a response I wouldn't have heard him, it was said so quietly.

"Blaine, what do you mean they are gone?" I question gently, because I am not quite sure what he means, even if I do have an idea.

I give Blaine the space to answer without pressing, hoping that now he has started talking he will continue, and I am right. "He left me," Blaine sobs and while it was one of the things that I thought could be the case in my head, I just don't understand. I have known this couple through the whole of their relationship, including their break up all those years ago, and I have to say, I always thought they were one of the strongest and best suited couples I knew. "And it's all my fault," Blaine continues. I pull away from Blaine, and take hold of his shoulders knowing it will cause Blaine to look at me. And I'm right he does, and I just stay there for a while trying to work out what all those emotions running though his eyes are. Because, if I wasn't mistaken, I would say he was fighting some giant internal war with himself. It also has the effect I wanted it to, because he continues speaking to me honestly, knowing he can't lie to me like this. "I was trying to protect him and the children. I thought it would be better when he left, but I can't do it Wes. No matter how safe it makes him, I can't have my husband thinking I don't love him! Gosh Wes how did I let this get so messed up?" the second the rambling starts I know I've broken Blaine's walls so I hold my hands up to silence him, because really he isn't making much sense.

"Blaine, as much as I am glad you are speaking, you are being kind of cryptic. Just take a few calming breaths, okay? And I am going to go get you a glass of water; I'm not leaving you like this." I stand up and walk to the kitchen. I am shocked at what I am hearing. I don't understand why Blaine is here, on his own. Why he didn't think to contact me or someone to give him a bit of support? I mean after their breakup in Blaine's senior year, I got a phone call from Blaine before he was even on the plane back from New York. I have a feeling there is still much more to this than maybe I want there to be. I quickly text my wife to let her know I may be a while.

Then as soon as the glass is filled with water, I go back to join Blaine as quickly as I can. I don't want to leave Blaine alone right now. I hand him the glass and sit back down with him.

"Blaine you said you were trying to protect Kurt and the children. What from exactly? I know you don't mean from yourself." I know beyond anything that Blaine wouldn't hurt Kurt and the children. I know how much he loves all three of them; how they are his whole world.

"I can't Wes," he tells me. And I am glad that he is at least being honest with me right now, it's a big step from where we were. "I know I've fucked up, but I can't tell you before I tell Kurt. I know that even after I do, I will probably never get him back, but I've broken now, and I can't tell him before you." Now I am getting confused, because why has Kurt left if he doesn't actually know the problem?

"Blaine, what do you mean before you tell Kurt? I don't understand how he can't know if he left."

I hear him sigh, and close his eyes before starting to speak "He didn't leave because of the problem. He left because I didn't tell him what was up. Instead I pushed him away. I pushed him away and I pushed our kids away. But I did it because I was trying to protect them, Wes. Not because I don't love them." Blaine admits to me, and I knew there was more to this than what is on the surface.

"Blaine, what haven't you told him? Because whatever it is, I can tell it's killing you. I've never seen you like this. And we have known each other for such a long time."

"Wes I can't tell you, I couldn't even tell Kurt, and that caused this. I cannot tell you before him. I don't even know if I can tell him, even now. I want to but he's going to hate me and it's all my fault!" Blaine exclaims, starting to panic.

"Blaine, calm down. I don't know what is going on here, but I know you love Kurt and I know Kurt loves you. And it's for that reason, that no matter what is going on here, you need to tell him. I know you said that you were trying to protect him and the kids. And I believe that you really did think that was what you were doing. However, can't you see from where you are now that maybe that isn't working? That maybe you do need to tell Kurt?"

"I can't Wes. I mean it. I really can't. Even if I wanted to." And I can hear the tears shining in his eyes again.

"Blaine, listen to me. I know this is going to be hard, but you have to tell him. Do you really want to lose him?"

"God no," he answers quickly again. I can tell by the look on his face that he means it and honestly I knew the answer anyway. I am just trying to get my point across.

"Well that is exactly why you have to tell him no matter what it is. If you don't, you really will lose him. And I know you don't like it being brought up, but one of the reasons he was able to forgive you after you cheated on him was because you were honest with him. No matter what it is, at least give the two of you a chance to sort things out and talk to him." I encourage gently, because I know that really it's what this situation needs.

We sit in silence for a while and I just allow Blaine to sit with his thoughts. Thinking of how the hell I may convince Blaine to tell Kurt if he keeps refusing. I know it's the only chance he may save his marriage. If I am being honest, I am wondering if he even can save it, because I know it must have really taken something to get Kurt to take the children all the way to Lima.

"You're right Wes. I do need to tell him. But I can't be there when I do it. I just can't. I can't be there to see his face when he realizes what is going on." And well, at least we are getting somewhere slowly.

"What about ringing him then? It isn't like you can get to Lima right now anyway." I say hoping that maybe he will agree to that. That maybe I can stay here while he does it, if he needs to support.

"No, I can't speak to him at all when he finds out about this. You know how much emotion shows in Kurt's voice." Blaine panics.

"Okay, calm down. Do you have any idea how to tell him?" I can't think of anything else, so I will just have to hope Blaine does. He doesn't answer me however. He just stands from the sofa, and walks over to the table where I can see his laptop lying. He opens it and clicks a few buttons but after a while he seems to freeze. I give him a bit of space in case he is just thinking, but after a while I realize he is back to having a battle with himself.

I walk over to him and sit in the seat next to his, looking at his computer screen and noticing the blank email. "Blaine," I begin softly, "You can do this." But he just shakes his head at me. "Do you want me to write for you?" I ask hoping that maybe that is the next best option. He doesn't answer just pushes the laptop towards me. I take it and nod at him to begin.

"_Kurt, _

_ I know this isn't how I should be explaining any of this to you, but I can't do anything else right now. Read what's in the file and I hope you may realize, even if you don't fully understand, what I've been doing. I am probably being a coward, but I can't be there when you realize what's been happening. But I promise, unless I hear from you telling me otherwise, I will be in Lima in a few days. _

_Blaine x"_

And honestly the message seems just as cryptic as half of what Blaine has been saying to me tonight. But I don't push as he is at least opening to his husband.

"Attach the file entitled 'minacce' but please respect me and don't look inside of it. And send it to Kurt before I can stop you, or myself." He directs me. And I do as he asks. I wouldn't disrespect him and read anything when I know he wants Kurt to know first. I can see some of the tension leave his body as I hit the send button, but I also see the fear in his eyes. And I know only too well it's a fear of losing Kurt. I can't help but have one question, and I feel awful for it, but it's there playing on my mind. I obviously don't hide it well enough though, as Blaine soon speaks up.

"Ask me Wes." is all he says. So I do it. I want to be sure.

"I hate to ask, and please don't take it wrong, but you haven't cheated on Kurt again, have you?" And I really do feel guilty for asking because I know deep down he wouldn't, but I also know it will keep playing on me if I don't.

"No, I couldn't. That was the biggest mistake of my life, apart from this. But I haven't done it again. No matter what happens, I know I love him too much to do that to him again." And the sincerity in his voice lets me know that he's speaking the truth, and I'm happy enough with that. I just hope that he hasn't destroyed this relationship anyway.


	14. 14: The Walls Come Down

So here is the other chapter that goes with the previous chapter 14. I think it is pretty clear why they were posted together enjoy

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Blaine POV

I thought it would get easier after a few days, as I got used to Kurt and the children not being around. I don't know who I was trying to convince though, because if anything it's gotten harder. The emptiness just seemed to multiply as the days went on. Yes, I could come home from work at a normal hour of day, but what was the point when Kurt and the children weren't there to greet me?

I know I kind of only have myself to blame, but what was I meant to do? What kind of husband and father would I be if I let my children be in danger? Don't get me wrong, that doesn't stop the fact I feel awful about having driven my husband and children out of here, but I did do it for them.

The fact that it's getting close to my son's birthday doesn't help. I remember the day he was born like it was yesterday. And honestly it has to be one of the happiest days of my life. I remember the joy both Kurt and I felt at having been able to achieve something so amazing with the world against us. And we felt like nothing could bring us down. I guess that had been wrong. It's amazing the kind of things that can make you feel you have to chase your own husband and children away.

Suddenly I am pulled from my thoughts, when there is a knock on the door. I really don't want to answer the door, because I've been sitting here in sweatpants with my hair ungelled all day, seeing as I had the day off work. Regardless, I know I need to see who it is. I pull the door open and am faced with two of the last people I expected right now, Wes and his wife, Melissa.

"Guys, what are you doing here?" I question, as right now I really do not want or need them here.

"Blaine," is all Wes replies at first and I can tell by his expression that he's shocked. "We're here because the four of us are meant to be going out. Us two with you and Kurt," Wes explains. And shit, how am I meant to get out of this one? I also know my face falls when Wes mentions Kurt's name, because really it's not like it's been used to much recently. Really Wes knows me too well and I know I need to get rid of him before he works out something is wrong. I suppose that is one problem of having a good friend that's stayed with me since high school.

I guess I must be thinking for too long though, as Wes starts up again. "Blaine what's going on?"

"I er nothing um…" and really why do I have to lose my composure now?

"Blaine let me in," Wes demands, leaving no place for me to argue, and I know if I don't step back he will push past me anyway. "Melissa, darling, would you mind going to the car for me for five minutes so I can speak to Blaine?" he asks. She nods and turn towards the car; as she does so I step back allowing Wes to enter the house.

I walk into the living room, guessing Wes will follow, trying to think of anything that I can tell him to get him off my back about this. One major problem is that I know Wes knows that there is no way Kurt would easily forget something like this. Kurt never forgets anything like this. I sit down on the couch and just as I suspected Wes sits down on the arm chair across from me. He doesn't say anything he just sits there looking at me as if waiting for me to speak. And really I am not about to do that. Because, I can at least hope I will be able to answer his questions more convincingly than I will just be able to roll off an excuse.

After a few minutes of silence Wes speaks up. "Blaine, what is going on?" he asks again.

"Nothing's going on. Why would it be?" I ask turning the question around. Hoping that maybe I will be able to hide this from him. If I can hide this all from my husband, I can keep it from my best friend surely.

"Ok Blaine, I will ask it like this," he states simply. "Where is Kurt?"

And I know that if I play this cool I may somehow be able pass it off as Kurt being away on business. Yes, that should work. It would explain why Kurt forgot the meet up between the four of us, and it will also explain why Kurt is not here.

"He's gone away for work," I tell him quickly. "Isabelle asked him last minute when someone had to pull out due to illness. He's gone to Paris for two weeks." I can't look at Wes as I speak. Instead I fiddle with the hem of my Henley.

We sit in silence for a few minutes and at first I think that maybe he is going to buy the story and decide that he and Melissa should go out together.

"Blaine!" And I know that tone only too well. It's a tone that says that he isn't going to put up with this crap for much longer. He used to use it quite often when the Warblers would get out of hand. "I've known Kurt for almost as long as I've known you. I might not know him quite as well as I do you, but even I know he doesn't take all his shoes on a work trip. And most of his shoes from your hallway are gone. Where is your _husband_?" And it's all the tone in which he says it. I break. Because honestly even if I wanted to, I can't do this anymore. The walls started to crack as soon as Kurt left and I should have known it wouldn't take much to have them crumbling around me. I've been living in fear and hiding for the past 6 months and I can't do it anymore. I can't cope with the fact that my husband and children have gone and I'm left on my own. I feel the sofa sink and I'm in Wes' arms and from there I can't stop the words that tumble out of my mouth.

"He's gone. They're gone. All three of them. He took the children back to Lima." I choke out, because there is such a difference knowing it for myself and actually saying it out loud to somebody.

"Blaine, what do you mean they are gone?" Wes questions much more gently now. He knows me too well and he knows he's broken my walls, so he knows I should speak now.

"He left me." I state and ouch that hurt. I feel like someone is ripping my heart in two. Because really that's what he has done. "And it's all my fault." I sob again. Wes pulls away from me and grabs hold of my shoulder forcing me to look at him. I hate the way he is looking at me. I feel like he is trying to look into my soul, and I know he knows there is more to all of this. I try and hold it in because I know I can't tell anyone about this. But I can't do it. I need to. I need to break. I need my best friend right now. No, I need my husband, but I've driven him away. So Wes is the best I am going to get right now, and maybe it will help to have him onside.

I take a deep breath before starting. "I was trying to protect him and the children. I thought it would be better when he left, but I can't do it, Wes. No matter how safe it makes him, I can't have my husband thinking I don't love him. Gosh Wes how did I let this get so messed up?" I want to keep rambling but Wes holds his hands up to silence me. I can see the sorrow and confusion across his face and just hope he doesn't run out on me now. Now that my walls are down, it won't take much for me to end up over the edge.

"Blaine, as much as I am glad you are speaking, you are being kind of cryptic. Just take a few calming breaths, okay? And I am going to go get you a glass of water; I'm not leaving you like this."

I allow Wes to walk away, and do as he says. I take a few deep breaths, trying to allow the air to calm me. I am surprised that I have managed to hold on this long. I should have known all along that I would break. That's the problem with me. While my husband is such an amazing and courageous man, I am weak.

Wes is back quickly, handing me a glass of water, which I take a few sips from, as Wes sits himself back down next to me. "Blaine, you said you were trying to protect Kurt and the children. What from exactly? I know you don't mean from yourself." And I can hear the honesty in his voice but I can't tell him because what kind of person would I be if my best friend knew the full story before my husband, the one I had hurt in all this.

"I can't Wes. I know I've fucked up but I can't tell you before I tell Kurt. I know that even after I do, I will probably never get him back. But I've broken now, and I can't tell him before you." And right now I don't want to have to tell Wes. More than anything right now, I want my husband. I know I don't deserve him and will probably never have him again, but it's who I need.

"Blaine what do you mean before you tell Kurt? I don't understand how he can't know, if he left."

I close my eyes and sigh, because really am I about to reveal this to Wes? "He didn't leave because of the problem. He left because I didn't tell him what was up. Instead I pushed him away. I pushed him away and I pushed our kids away. But I did it because I was trying to protect them, Wes. Not because I don't love them." And I do love them, more than the world.

"Blaine, what haven't you told him? Because whatever it is, I can tell it's killing you. I've never seen you like this. And we have known each other for such a long time."

"Wes I can't tell you. I couldn't even tell Kurt, and that caused this. I cannot tell you before him. I don't even know if I can tell him, even now. I want to but he's going to hate me and it's all my fault." And I know I am starting to panic but thinking in real context and actually talking to someone about losing Kurt makes it all so much more real.

"Blaine calm down. I don't know what is going on here but I know you love Kurt and I know Kurt loves you. And it's for that reason that no matter what is going on here, you need to tell him. I know you said that you were trying to protect him and the kids. And I believe that you really did think that was what you were doing. However, can't you see from where you are now, that maybe that isn't working? That maybe you do need to tell Kurt?" And I want to believe him, but I can't. Because I hurt him again; the man I love and I did this to him. And for what? Because I was fucking scared. Gosh honestly, I've always been scared.

"I can't Wes. I mean it. I really can't. Even if I wanted to." And I can hear the tears shining in my eyes again.

"Blaine, listen to me. I know this is going to be hard, but you have to tell him. Do you really want to lose him?"

"God no," I almost scream, because is he crazy? Wes should know that that is the last thing I want to do. He is my world. I would have stopped living a long time ago without him.

"Well, that is exactly why you have to tell him, no matter what it is. If you don't, you really will lose him. And I know you don't like it being brought up, but one of the reasons he was able to forgive you after you cheated on him was because you were honest with him. No matter what it is, at least give the two of you a chance to sort things out and talk to him." It's said gently and I allow myself to think about the meaning before replying.

"You're right Wes. I do need to tell him. But I can't be there when I do it. I just can't. I can't be there to see his face when he realizes what is going on." Even picturing what his face might be like, makes me feel like I'm dying. There is no way I can see reality.

"What about ringing him then? It isn't like you can get to Lima right now anyway."

"No, I can't speak to him at all when he finds out about this. You know how much emotion shows in Kurt's voice." That was one of the things that made me fall in love with him in the first place; the emotion in his voice when he was singing about a dead bird of all things.

"Okay, calm down. Do you have any idea how to tell him?" And I do. I know it's probably the worst way ever, but it's all I can do. I stand from the sofa and walk over to the table and sit down in front of my laptop, opening it as I do so. I pull up an email. I know what I want to say, but I just can't get my fingers to cooperate.

After a while Wes walks over and sits down next to me. Really I don't know how he is putting up with me right now. "Blaine," He addresses me gently. "You can do this." But I can't, so I shake my head, almost admitting defeat. "Do you want me to write for you?" I don't answer. I just push the laptop towards him, hoping this will work. I see Wes nod and start to tell him exactly what to write.

"_Kurt, _

_I know this isn't how I should be explaining any of this to you, but I can't do anything else right now. Read what's in the file and I hope you may realize, even if you don't fully understand, what I've been doing. I am probably being a coward, but I can't be there when you realize what's been happening. But I promise, unless I hear from you telling me otherwise, I will be in Lima in a few days._

_Blaine x"_

"Attach the file entitled 'minacce' but please respect me and don't look inside of it. And send it to Kurt before I can stop you, or myself." I tell him knowing that the likelihood is he wouldn't try to anyway. He follows what I told him and soon clicks the send button. And while I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulder, I also feel the fear coursing through my body.

Soon I notice Wes is looking at me and I know that face. He wants to ask me something. "Ask me Wes." I tell him, having an idea what he's about to say.

"I hate to ask, and please don't take it wrong, but you haven't cheated on Kurt again, have you?" and his voice is timid as he asks but I can't blame him for being suspicious.

"No, I couldn't. That was the biggest mistake of my life, apart from this. But I haven't done it again. No matter what happens, I know I love him too much to do that to him again." I just hope that when I do get to Lima Kurt is willing to at least talk to me. I know I deserve to, but I'm not ready to lose him. Now I've had a taste of what that could really be like.


	15. 15: Realization

Sorry this is late, I have had a few personal issues and it completely slipped my mind that I was meant to update this on Sunday. I am going to keep the AN short and just let you enjoy the chapter. Let me know what you think and sorry again for being late

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Kurt's POV

I know that now that Thomas is allowing me some time to myself, I need to get some work done. Isabelle has given me enough trust to come back to Lima and still get work done, and I have to prove that she was right to do that. I have been back in Lima close to three weeks now, and in all that time I have been able to put in 10 hours of work, and have only got three designs sent off to Isabelle. And I know that is nowhere near enough. I am coming up to when I would have been coming back to Lima for a holiday anyway. Now I have a feeling I am going to be working through a good deal of that. I can't do anything else, as I refuse to let Isabelle down. I know it probably means I will end up working at silly times of the day like now, at 4.30 on a Monday morning, but what else can I do. I need to work, but my children still need my attention.

I've always known that my job would require a lot of careful planning and juggling, due to everything involved. However, that doesn't make it easy when everything is thrown off, and it isn't a job in which I can afford to get behind. Fashion runs with seasons and they wait for no one. I have no idea how I would be coping if Thomas still wanted to be by my side every second of the day.

I load up my laptop because, before I do anything, I need to get the feedback from Friday's meeting. See what happened or didn't happen and get the feedback about my previous designs. I need to see if Isabelle wants any changes making to them. I know that if Isabelle suggests changes, it means she wants changes quickly. Her asking for changes normally means that she wants to proceed with an idea but just thinks a few minor things will make a design much better. She's a good boss in this respect; even when she does ask for changes she still gives with the artist licence with the changes. It still amazes me sometimes how I went from a young Lima, Ohio boy with dreams of being on Broadway, and within a few months of being in New York, I had dreams to be a well know designer. And I must say I am accomplishing that quite well.

I load up my email, and I instantly have to do a double take, because there is no way that Blaine would have sent me an email, especially not to my work email. However when I look again I am correct I have an email with no subject title from Blaine, sent to me late on Friday. I thought that I would be excited at the prospect of Blaine contacting me. Instead I'm pretty apprehensive, because, really, why would he contact me by email? After everything that has happened, why hasn't he called or something instead? I don't get why he is contacting my by a means I know that he really doesn't like.

I just sit and stare at the screen for a while, unsure if I truly want to know what is included in that email. But I know that really I have to. No matter what Blaine has written, I know that I need to know. I know only too well that what Blaine has included in the email could have a large effect on the future of our relationship, and that's what makes it so scary. However it is for the same reason that I know I have to open it.

I take a deep breath and open the email. I have to close my eyes to relax myself before I open them to read what is written.

"_Kurt, _

_I know this isn't how I should be explaining any of this to you, but I can't do anything else right now." _

And no this probably isn't how he should be explaining anything to me, especially after the way he has treated me and our children, but the thought of him explaining anything right now seems like such a big step. A step that terrifies me as in some ways; I wish I didn't have to know what was going on. I know I do, however. I want any chance of being able to make this marriage work.

"_Read what's in the file and I hope you may realize, even if you don't fully understand, what I've been doing."_

I look at the top of the screen, and see the file he is talking about for the first time. What strikes me instantly as strange is the name of the file. I am pretty sure it's written in Italian, and from what I know the only two people Blaine ever speaks to in Italian are his parents. I also didn't think he had any contact with his parents since before Thomas was born. Before that we tried to let them be involved but they just couldn't seem to accept him, or us, or our relationship together.

"_I am probably being a coward, but I can't be there when you realize what's been happening." _

Right now, I am not going to judge him on whether he is being a coward; I'm just not like that. At the moment, I actually feel like he is being braver than he has so far in all of this. At least he is willing to let me know what the problem is, which is so much more progress than I expected yet. I do have to wonder, however, what made him change his mind.

"_But I promise, unless I hear from you telling me otherwise, I will be in Lima in a few days._

_Blaine x"_

And at that my heart speeds up. I know that what I read in the file may not be pleasant; it could reveal any number of things that could put further strain on our relationship. But I've just read something telling me my husband is making the effort to come to Lima for us. And no matter what, with how bad everything has been recently, that feels like its own miracle. I would have thought that I would have wanted to open the folder straight away, but I don't because I am too nervous. I am worried about what that file may reveal about my husband, or our relationship.

I just allow myself to sit for a while, calming myself down. I re-read the email a few times, allowing the words to sink in. I know that Blaine, for whatever reason, has at least been strong enough to decide to send me the email. After a while my curiosity does take over and I do open the file. However it hits me instantly that this situation could be more detailed than I imagined. Within the folder is so many more documents than I had imagined, all numbered and dated. I'm not however, surprised to see that the dates go back to just before me and Blaine started having problems in this relationship. That pretty much confirms to me that whatever I read in here is going to be what caused all these problems within our marriage.

In a way I want to jump to the final few documents to see if it allows me to get the information any quicker. However, I know that Blaine will have sent everything over for a reason. I know that, for this reason, I have to read everything he has sent me in order. It may mean that it takes longer for me to get to the bottom of anything, but I know it means I will get the full picture Blaine wants. What is instantly obvious to me is that the documents are written in Italian, so this once again makes me wonder if this has something to do with Blaine and his parents. I do however notice that underneath there seems to be an English translation of what is written above, and if I am correct Blaine will have translated himself. We were messing around with the Italian once and Blaine pointed out all the errors that were made when computers were allowed to translate, due to position of different words in both languages.

_Dear Blaine, _

_ I am sure you didn't think you would be hearing for me again, and honestly I didn't expect to be contacting you. However, it has recently come to my attention that it clearly wasn't enough for you to marry that fag you call a husband. I recently found out that I happen to be a grandfather, to the children the two of you decided to bring into the world. You have always known I don't agree with who or what you are, and I most certainly don't agree with who you married. However, I would have through you would have let your stupidity end there. You made this family unhappy enough, and now you've had your own to make unhappy. Maybe I need to break up this little family, like you broke up ours?_

_Dad_

And I don't know how many times I have to stop while reading that, but I know that for most of it I didn't get past a line at a time. I soon realize that I am crying. Because really how is anyone meant to read that? Especially with knowing it was sent to my husband by his father. I feel sick because we made the decision not to let his parents know about our children not because with didn't want them to know, or because we know they are homophobic, but because they didn't seem bothered about being part of Blaine's life anyway. From when he moved to New York they seemed to stop caring about him. Of course they were invited to our wedding and his graduation, but they didn't bother turning up to either. I decide that I need to look at the next document to get any more idea what is going on here.

_Dad, _

_ Stop, I am not having you do this to me again. I know you have never accepted me, from the moment Cooper accidentally outed me to you and Mom. I know you never will accept who I am. I have also come to accept that. I was hard for me as I grew up not having the father I should have, but I have grown past that now. However, I will not have you say anything about my husband or my family. My husband is the most amazing man I have ever met. And yes he is so much more of a man that you will ever be. And he most certainly isn't close minded like you._

_Blaine_

And I am sobbing again because seeing Blaine defending us like that makes my heart swell. Knowing that Blaine would defend us to his father like that means so much. I didn't meet Richard Anderson many times, but the times I did, I most certainly didn't like the way he treated Blaine. I didn't care about how he treated me really, but seeing the way he treated his own son, it just killed me.

_Our children are happy and loved. And that is saying something, because I know that from the minute I came out to you, you stopped loving me. But I know that Kurt loves me and I love Kurt and we both love our children. _

And seeing that is nice but is also hurts. I am trying to work out what is going on because he wrote to his father telling him he loved me and the children, but slowly from around this point he started acting less and less like he loved me.

_We didn't tell you about our children, because you didn't want to be part of my life. They are our children and that is our decision. I don't know why you are doing this now but I do know I will not let you pull my family apart._

_Blaine_

Reading the end of this I sob harder than I have yet. There is such irony in that last sentence, because something changed and he did let his family get pulled apart. Or he pushed it apart himself. And I know that right now I can't read any more, because it's too early and I am too emotional right now. The fact that I am sobbing more than I feel like I have over this whole mess so far, kind of proves it.

However suddenly there is a knock at the door, and my dad enters the room. "You okay, bud?" he asks me instantly. And now I feel awful for waking him. "And before you say anything you didn't wake me. I was up and getting ready for work." My dad walks over and places his hand on my shoulder. "What's going on Kurt?"

I want to tell him, but right now I don't even know myself. Right now, I need some time to think. I need some time to allow me to pull myself together, because I need to get through the rest of what I've been sent by Blaine. If he really is coming to Lima, I at least want to know the full story by then.

"I just need some time alone right now," I tell him honestly. "Blaine emailed me. And well, it's just touching a few nerves. I need to be able to just sort a few things out in my head. I love you dad. But honestly, this time, I really do need time on my own." I explain, taking hold of his hand that's still on my shoulder.

"Ok Kurt. I love you too," my dad says gently. "I will leave you to sort this out now, just look after yourself. And take things at a pace you can handle. I hate seeing you like this son." And I can hear the honesty in his voice. He walks away and leaves me back to my own thoughts. I know for sure that I am going to go through a lot more heartbreak before I get to the end of the messages between Blaine and his father. But I know that it's something I am willing to do for the love of my life. If only to see him tell his father he loves me one more time. Even if it's the last time he ever said it. At least I know that if he is telling his father so, he really meant it at that moment.

Once my dad leaves I do give myself a bit of time. I just allow myself to think and then I decide that I am just going to do it. I am going to read all of the files, which I am guessing are all between Blaine and his Father.

As I read them I notice that Richard gets progressively more threatening towards Blaine, me and our children. And I understand why Blaine started to pull away now. It wasn't because of me, but because of his own fear of getting hurt. If he fears that he is going to get hurt, he doesn't pull away just from that source but everything that could potentially cause him pain. I can also tell when there is a change in Blaine, from a Blaine who is trying to stand up for his family against his father, and back to the high school boy who put on the _façade of being confident, but who was actually being scarred every day by the actions and words of his own parents. _

_As I open the final file I wonder what is going to be different in this than any of the others, and I wonder why whatever is enclosed in there never got a reply. I open it and allow myself to read. _

_I think I showed you today that I mean business, so don't push me. If I am not afraid to injure the person who was once my son, trust me I have no reservations about doing it to a fag or his children. _

_Richard _

And I know why there wasn't a reply, because Richard had finally broken down all of Blaine walls. And I know instantly what Richard did to him. I remember the day clearly. Blaine came home with his ribs strapped up, telling me that a boxing bout at the gym got out of hand. I know without a doubt that there was no boxing bout, and that it was actually Richard Anderson who injured Blaine that day. I start to understand what's been going on these past few months. Blaine's been hurting, and he didn't want me or the children to get hurt. But at the same time he was losing control of his own life, and he didn't know how to deal with that. So, instead of letting his father drive us out, he chose to do it himself. He wanted to keep that control of his own life, a control I know his parents had for a very long time. And it's only now that I fully understand Blaine's first email. I understand why he couldn't be here when I found all this out. And I do realize what he's been doing, even if, as he said, I can't fully understand it yet.


	16. 16: Headspace

I've been bad and I can't remember when i last had time to write a chapter for this. Loads of reasons, including university and other much more exciting things. I think I have up to chapter 20 written, but i have 3 weeks off from the 15th so my plan is to get in a lot of writing then, and maybe we can go back to more than one chapter a week. Anyway I hope you all enjoy this chapter, let me know what you thinks. And thank you to everyone who has, reviewed followed or favorited this story already.

Kurt's POV

I hear a knock at the door. I quickly get up, glancing at Thomas and Elizabeth to check they will be okay while I answer the door, and making sure they don't need to come with me. I feel weird. Ever since I moved to New York, I have always felt wrong answering the door at this house, even if it used to be my house too. I feel like I am invading my dad and Carole's privacy somehow. I open the door, and am instantly glad that I left Thomas and Elizabeth playing. Because Richard Anderson cannot be standing at my dad's door. Especially not while I am here alone with the children.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, trying to sound more sure of myself than I am. I haven't met Richard Anderson many times, but for the times I have, I know I don't want to be faced with him right now. I have always wondered how Blaine turned out the way he did, with a father like Richard. My dad may not have always understood me, but at least I knew he was always there for me. Honestly one of the first things I wondered, the first time I met the man, is why he was paying for Blaine to go to Dalton when he was such an arse. I learnt a few years later that actually it had been Cooper paying for Blaine to go, not his parents. And that Richard Anderson was happy for Blaine to go back to his old high school.

"Oh, I just thought I would pop in and see my grandchildren, seeing as I haven't ever seen them in their lives," Richard replies way too casually. Especially seeing as he shouldn't even know that I am in Lima with them. Let alone where in Lima my dad lives.

"I will not let you see them. They are happy and I will not have you come in and upset them. Especially Thomas, he doesn't react well around strangers." I quickly realize that maybe I shouldn't have used my son's name but it's too late now. If he didn't know it before, he knows now. "How did you know where we were?" I question him, trying to stop my voice from quivering. I know if he tried, Richard Anderson could easily overpower me and push his way into the house.

"That's for me to know, and you not to. You faggots aren't the only ones who get to keep secretes you know." It's only then, as I feel arms round my legs, that I know Thomas heard at least the last sentence come out of Richard's mouth. I did hope he wouldn't ever have to hear me or Blaine be called that again. It's hard enough the few times he has, let alone me knowing it's actually coming from Thomas' grandfather. I have to keep myself calm, because I can cope with idiots in the street who are just too closed minded to care that I have no choice over who I am. But to hear it coming from Blaine's father's mouth is just awful. And it does nothing but remind me what Blaine had to put up with growing up, and how much I really wish I could put Richard in his place. However my son is with me, and I will not allow myself to sink to that level.

"I would prefer it if you watched your language in front of my son, thank you very much," and I know there is a tone to my voice. I don't like using it front of Thomas but I can't help it.

I see Richard open his mouth to speak but he's beaten to it by Thomas. "Daddy, who's that and why is he calling you that nasty name?" Thomas asks. And it confirms for me that Thomas heard the f word, and it makes me feel awful. Because that is one of the reasons we spent hours talking about whether we wanted children, because we both knew deep down that no matter what we wouldn't be able to hide them from all the hate in the world.

I turn to my son knowing I can't ignore him for Richard. "It's just someone that Papa knows Thomas. Don't you worry. Will you be a good boy and go and sit and play with your sister until Daddy has finished? And then we will make a cake for after dinner tonight." I say hoping to promise of cake will get him into the living room and away from Richard. Thomas complies and walks back to the living room, and I can't help but sigh in relief.

"So he doesn't know who I am. Maybe I should change that hey?" Richard questions pushing past me. And I should have known that he wouldn't just leave.

"Richard stop!" I shout, because I can't let him scare my son. Thomas already hates strangers. But he doesn't listen. I didn't really expect him to but I have to try. So I follow quickly behind him, instead hoping to do as much damage control as I can. Richard is quickly by Thomas' side and I see Thomas tense instantly. I want to take my little boy in my arms, but I don't want to anger Richard. I don't know what he might do if I did.

"Hello Thomas, I'm your grandfather Richard. Come give me a cuddle." He says gently to Thomas. And I hate that his tone sounds so normal, when he knows what he's doing is far from normal.

"N….no you're not" Thomas argues, and I can tell he's fighting not to cry. "Grandpa Burt is my Grandpa not…not you." He announces.

"Well that's where you're wrong. I'm your grandpa too Thomas, and Elizabeth's." He says and I can hear the malicious tone in his voice. He knows what he's doing. He knows he's upsetting my son. I'm just glad Elizabeth seems too happy biting on her Sophie giraffe to notice the stranger too.

"NO! NO! Daddy! Daddy, make him stop." Thomas yells, and this time the tears do escape his eyes. Thomas tries to move towards me, but Richard grabs his arm. And I try and intervene, because no one is touching my son like that, especially not Richard. But I can't move. I feel like I've got no control over my body. And all I can do is watch my son scream.

I feel a jolt and it's all gone. It takes me a second to realize, but then I understand that it was all a nightmare. The children aren't in danger; they are down stairs with Carole. And Richard isn't here. I asked her to look after them so I could get some sleep, because even if I tried to deny it, learning what I did at 4 in the morning really takes it out of you. Now that I am calming down, I can tell that I am actually covered in sweat. I really can't cope with going through that again even if it is a dream.

Right now I want my husband more than I have at any point over these past few months. I need to see him myself, to know that he's okay. And while I know I won't forgive him instantly for keeping all this from me, I need him to know that I still love him, and that we will get through this somehow. I know it's not going to be easy, but I am willing to work at it and I am hope Blaine is too.

I allow myself to just sit for a while, still calming my own heart rate. There is no way I want my children to see me like this. I know from all the times I've had nightmares in the past, even if it has been years since I had one to an extent like this, that I will look wrecked. I just need a while to myself, to get it together.

I can't help but wonder how long Blaine is planning on waiting before coming to Lima. I know he said a few days, but for him that could be a fairly broad time. I wanted to ring him as soon as I had finished reading the emails, but I knew he had his own reasons for allowing me to find out the way I had. I may not like it, but I knew I had to respect it. However right now, after the nightmare, it's so hard for me to respect that. I want nothing more than to pick up my phone and just make sure he is safe, that's he alright. Well, as all right he can be in all of this. And really I know he isn't alright. He's far from alright. I know that this is going to have affected him in so many ways. That's clear enough by the fact that he kept it from me. But I just want him to be as alright as he can be right now.

I just need to hold him in my arms and tell him that everything is going to be okay. I know that we have a lot to talk about, but I just hope than when I do see him, at least I get to hold him. Because it's been far too long, and I know the man too well. He will be feeling so unloved right now. I know that me holding him for a few minutes isn't going to heal everything that's he's done, or everything Richard has done or tried to do, but it will be a start. And right now that's all I can ask for.

I don't know when Blaine is planning on first turning up but I hope it's not when the children are awake. I just need time with my husband without having to answer questions from our son, who I know will instantly want to smother his Papa. I also don't want them to be here, when I have a good idea that Blaine will break. He's held it all in, and honestly I don't know how he kept it in for so long, but he did. But the truth is out now, and he can break. He doesn't have to hold himself together anymore, but I know he won't break on his own. He's never felt able to; he's always needed a constant there to pull him back together.

Do I wish I could have held him through it all? Of course I do. However I haven't been able to; he didn't let me. Now I just have to hope him opening up to me the way he has is proof that's he's finally willing to do so. I am not going to lie to myself. I know that if he does want this to work, he has got a lot of making up to do. I can kind of see why he kept this all from me but he still shouldn't have. I'm his husband. And all those years ago when we got back together, after everything that happened my first year in New York, we promised that we wouldn't keep secretes like this from each other. Of course some things we were allowed to keep secret, like him planning our engagement, and me surprising him with special meals. However we agreed that communication was going to be the foundation of our relationship. We both know only too well that's why things went wrong the first time round. And it's happened again. A lack of communication has threatened our relationship again. At the same time I do understand it's for a different reason, and that's why I am hopeful that we can work through this all slowly. And we can try to understand this from the other's point of view.

I rub my hands over my face before looking at the clock to see it's almost 2pm, a lot later than I thought. I either got a bit of nice sleep before my nightmare, or my nightmare lasted longer than I realized. I get out bed, because I don't feel it's fair to leave Carole with the children now that I'm actually awake. I pull on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. Normally I wouldn't be caught in something like this, but I am not putting anything nicer on when I've been asleep and haven't had a shower.

I walk down stairs and notice that Carole and the children aren't in the living room. But, I soon hear noise coming from the kitchen, and decide to follow it. I do, and I see a lovely sight before me. Carole, Thomas and Elizabeth all cooking. Well, Elizabeth is actually in her high chair playing with a bowl of flour, but Thomas is standing on a stool helping Carole mix something that looks a lot like cake mix in the bowl.

"Looks like you're all having fun," I state, causing Carole to jump.

"Kurt, you're up," she then replies. "Keep stirring that Thomas," she instructs him gently, before walking over towards me.

She looks at me for a second before talking again. "How are you sweetie? Did you sleep well?" she inquires. She knows part of the reason why I went to sleep. I haven't explained to her or dad what was in my email from Blaine, just merely that I've had contact from him. And they know not to push. They know I will tell them if I need to, but other than that they understand that I need my space.

"Yes, thank you," I reply. I don't want to sound ungrateful when she's been looking after the children. "Thank you for looking after the children for me." She looks at me quizzically before taking my hand.

"Kurt, don't lie to me. I think you forget, I know what you look like after you've had a nightmare." And it's true she does, because I had nightmares for months after everything that happened with Karofsky, and I also had a fair few after the slushie incident. "Go get yourself in the bath. Gosh, we didn't buy a house with an en-suite for you, for you to only us it for the first two years we spent in this house and then neglect it from then on." And I have to smile at this; Carole knows just the right way to lighten the mood. But that doesn't mean I am happy. I don't feel right leaving her with the children again. "And before you even try and argue with me Mr Hummel-Anderson, the children and I are fine. You know I love spending time with them. Now you, you go sort out your head. You aren't in the right head space to be with them right now anyway. They've seen you. They both know you're still here. Spend a bit of time looking after yourself, so you can be in the right frame to spend some time with them before they go to bed." And I'm not going to argue with her after she referred to me by my last name, she doesn't do that very often. So I decide that I will listen and go and have a bath and just allow myself a bit of time to myself. I need to sort out my own head for a while, knowing that I may well get overwhelmed once Blaine gets here.


	17. 17: Conflicting Emotions

So this is the next chapter. I think it might be the one many of you have been waiting for so i really hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think

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Kurt's POV

After all the stress of yesterday, it seems strange sitting in the living room at 8pm, in a quiet house. Having finally managing to convince my dad and Carole that just because the children and I are here doesn't mean they need to miss their date nights; I managed to get both the children to sleep at a decent time. However, it does feel strange not doing anything. The conditions of my dad and Carole agreeing to go out to enjoy themselves meant me trying to relax. Along with being banned from working for the evening. And honestly, I'm not used to it. I mean for the past 6 months, I've been used to coming home, sorting out the children, getting the children to bed, and then working until I've been close to dropping. And when you have got yourself into a routine like that, trying to do anything different seems wrong.

Honestly, I don't know what to do with myself. My dad also probably didn't think about the fact me trying to relax without work would actually mean my mind being occupied and stressed with the events of the past 6 months, and of course Blaine and his promise to be in Lima in a few days. Granted my dad still doesn't know about the emails. I know how long it's taken Blaine to tell me and I don't want to tell my dad if it's something Blaine wants kept secret. If that's the case, I will accept that. And to both my father and Carole's credit, they haven't asked me what's going on. They know it's something I need to deal with on my own for a while. I know that if I was working I would at least be in my own little world and not worrying about all of this. Because all this thinking is kind of proving my point that I'm not actually relaxing.

I decide that really even though my dad told me not to work and to relax instead, that I'm not actually doing that. At least if I do work on some designs, I will feel semi relaxed. I have always loved designing. People always comment on how lost I can get while I'm designing. Especially in the office, people have to really battle to get my attention. I stand and turn to walk towards the study and freeze. I feel unable to speak or move.

"Kurt" is all he says. I can only gather he let himself in using the spare key. He knows well enough where it's always hidden. I can see everything that's happened over these past few months reflected in his body. The way he's standing, the way he refuses to meet my eyes and the sheer look of exhaustion written on his face. I shouldn't feel sorry for him. Its all stuff he's made me go through these past six months. But he's my husband, and I can't help it. And even if he won't meet my eyes I can't help but notice that look in his. The one asking "am I really unlovable?" And I know why its there. "_You'll never be good enough or worthy enough to be loved by anyone" _was a common sentence, in the emails from his father. And I can't stand to see it there. Because no matter what he's put me through, he doesn't deserve that. Considering the way he's been brought up, on the whole Blaine is an amazing man. And I don't know how long I've been standing here but I can't help myself any longer.

"Blaine" is all I reply back, but at the same time I open up my arms in invitation to him. Right now I know he needs someone to hold him close. Someone to help him realize that not everyone believes what his father does. Which is hard with Blaine, as for some reason, no matter how badly his father has treated him over the years, Blaine has always believed people should respect their parents.

I see the internal battle he has with himself. After all this time, I can tell he believes that he doesn't deserve to take comfort in my arms. And many people might agree with him for what he's put me through, but at the same time, it's just what he needs after dealing with this alone for so long. He needs someone to share the weight. And in the end the battle for comfort must win over, because he's throwing himself at me with such force that as he makes contact with my body I struggle to keep us both upright.

I wait a second before closing my arms around him knowing that that will be the point when he breaks. When he finally feels safe contained in my arms once again. That's when all the walls will crumble. And I'm correct. The second my arms close tightly around him, I feel his whole body shake. And he starts sobbing with uncontrollable force.

I manoeuvre us back to the couch and sit us down. Blaine has such a grip on me that I'm forced to position him on my lap. The shoulder of my shirt is drenched already but I have Blaine in my arms. And even if I wanted to, I can't deny how right it feels to have him back here. It may not be in exactly the way I want, but I know this is a step in the right direction. Blaine being here, and especially allowing himself to take my comfort, shows he is willing to fully open up to me again.

So many people would think I'm crazy right now for giving comfort to the person who has put me through hell for half a year. To be showing the person who made me feel so unloved that he's loved. But that's exactly what I'm doing. No matter how much I want to scream at him right now. No matter how much I want to make him feel all the pain he put me through, to scream at him. To ask him why he's done all this, why he couldn't just open up to me at the start. But I can't. I know it won't help and I can't do it to him.

I know what Blaine needs is comfort. He needs me to help him rid his mind of those voices telling him he's nothing. "_You've always been nothing. You mean nothing to anyone._" Telling him he doesn't deserve to be loved. "_Who would love someone that's as messed up as you? You don't deserve love._" Telling him he doesn't deserve to be alive just because of who he is and who he loves. "_People like you don't deserve to live. It's a shame those boys back in high school didn't finish the job._" I know that if I open him up to my pain right now that I will only cement those fears. And that won't solve the problems of the past 6 months. No, right now Blaine needs to feel loved. And then some time soon, maybe tomorrow or maybe in a few days, we will start to talk this through. So I just continue to hold him close, showing him that I'm here for him.

After a while he tries to speak through his sobs "S...s...so...sorry. Kurt, I...I'm so s...sorry."

"Shhh," I comfort, bringing my hand up to stroke gently through his hair, hoping it will have the calming effect on him it normally does.

"We'll sort it all out, but right now you just need to let it all go." And I feel him shudder against me again. And I know he's taken my words as full invitation to just let it all go for now. I know my husband and I know it's just what he needs.

"That's it. It'll all work out in the end," I reassure. And I don't know if I'm saying it for his benefit or mine.

As much as I want things to be okay, I know it won't necessarily be the case. I know there is still a chance this relationship won't work anymore. No matter why he did it, Blaine hurt me more than anyone else ever has. He broke the promise we made to each other by closing in and refusing to be honest. He caused me and our children to leave our house. So I might be able to comfort him now, but I know he's got a long way to go to show me that he wants to continue in this marriage. I'm willing to give him time, but I know I can never be made to feel like this again. At the same time, I love the man curled up in my arms and I'm willing to fight for the relationship.

I feel Blaine shift under me moving to the side so he isn't quite on top of my lap but next to it instead, clearly trying to get more comfortable.

"Um um um um," I feel more than hear muffled into my chest from where Blaine's head is still positioned.

"Blaine, even after all these years, I can't understand what you're saying when you talk into my chest," I admit gently.

He turns his head to the side before continuing, and I allow myself to keep carding my fingers through it, glad that he's calming down. I hate seeing him upset. I'll always be there when he is but it physically hurts me to see.

"Do you hate me?" he questions. If I wasn't expecting him to speak, I wouldn't have heard him. And my heart clenches again, because no matter what, I could never hate him. Even after he cheated on me, I was angry with him, but I could never hate him.

I place my fingers under his chin and lift up gently, with enough force to put my point across but lightly enough that he can remain still if he wishes. I keep going until I'm looking directly into his eyes and I can see the insecurity there. I know I have to tell him exactly how I'm feeling not just partly.

"Blaine, I could never hate you." And I see the tears shine in his eyes as I say it, but continue anyway. "Honestly, I'm hurting a lot at the moment, but no matter what, I couldn't hate you. I love you too much." And it's the truth. I know I could have just told him I didn't hate him, but I know that right now he needs to hear things as they are.

"I love you too," he confirms. And it's my turn for tears to shine in my eyes. I can't help but let a few of them fall, because it's been too long since I last heard those words. I know that it doesn't solve everything but I know it's a promise that we will try and fix this.


	18. 18: Musing

I feel awful this has taken so long to get up but I've been without internet for ages, hence the inability to update. I am really sorry to everyone who has been waiting, and I would have got it up sooner had I been able to. So once again my apologies and enjoy the chapter.

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Blaine's POV

As I wake up, I don't understand where I am. I feel too warm, and those arms around me feel so foreign. But then the events of the previous day flood back to me. The arms that are surrounding me aren't foreign at all. They are the arms that have felt like my home for the past thirteen years. And that's a reality check in itself because, never have I felt wrong being held in these arms. But I woke up and felt that way. I know it's because it's been too long since I last allowed myself to be held in them. And it's one of the things I've missed most, the way that being in these arms does just normally make everything seem ok. However right now, it just reminds me how wrong all this is, how badly I've messed up, and I know that I really have fucked up.

I allow myself to stay in Kurt's arms for a while longer, because I know I may not get the chance soon. I'm honestly surprised I was even given the chance to take comfort in them last night. When I arrived last night, I was so glad to realize Burt and Carole were out. As much as I love them, and how amazing they have been over the years, I wouldn't have been surprised if either of them had wanted to kill me. And honestly I wouldn't blame them. Them not being here just gave me some time to spend with Kurt. However it's seems I was wrong about that; about all of it really. I didn't expect myself to fall asleep, let alone Kurt to fall asleep with me. And I most certainly didn't expect for both of us to be covered in a blanket this morning. I know from our position that it clearly wasn't Kurt that placed it over us, only leaving Carole or Burt to have done so.

I place my hands over the top of Kurt's which are currently firmly around my stomach and begin to stroke gently. I stop as my fingers come into contact with the cool metal on his left hand. It's not that I didn't expect for his rings to still be there as such, I know this is Kurt I am talking about, at the same time I wouldn't have been surprised if they weren't in place any longer. I mean, I know if I had been put through the hell that I've put him through the past few months, that I wouldn't still be wearing mine. I gently bring his hand up and kiss over the rings there; both of the rings I had placed there myself many years ago.

I lay his hand down at his side, and gently move the other one from around me to allow me to try and stand up. I do so very slowly; I know how much of a light sleep Kurt has become since we had our children, and I really don't want him to wake right now. I can see how tired he is, and I know that I am at fault for that. It isn't just tiredness of having slept on the couch last night, and it's tiredness that's been there for way too long. I managed to stand without him waking, though he is close to stirring a few times. I allow myself to place a kiss on top of his head before walking to the kitchen. I have no idea what the time is, but I need coffee. I know that today isn't going to be easy. I have no idea what Thomas' reaction to me being here is going to be. I know Elizabeth isn't going to know who I am. And that I am going to have to face Burt and Carole. And I know, no matter how they acted last night, that they can't be happy with my actions. I'm not happy with them myself and would completely understand if they wanted me to leave. I just hope they don't, because I'm here to see if my husband is willing to let me try and fix what I have broken these past few months. I know it's not going to be easy, and I know that my Father still has a great power over me, but I am not letting him win, not this time.

I walk into the kitchen and close the door slowly behind me, trying to make as little noise as possible. I look at the clock and realize it isn't even 6 am; well, that is what I get for sleeping on a couch, really. I put the kettle on for a cup of coffee, adding enough water to make one for Kurt as well, just in case the noise does wake him, even though, I'm hoping he will be able to sleep a little bit longer. I know he needs it.

As I wait for the kettle to boil, I allow my mind to wander. Being back here with Kurt has just cemented for me what a big mistake I made keeping all this from him. I've known for a while it was a mistake, but I just felt too deep in to be able to tell him. Now though, physically seeing what I've done to him, while I'm no longer trying to distance myself, hurt me. It makes me realize just how much pain I have caused the man I love. I know that there is only one thing I will ever feel as bad about as I do this situation, and that's when I cheated on Kurt back in my senior year. That had been a stupid mistake as a teenager though. This is a decision I made as an adult, with responsibilities and children. And I can't help but wonder if Kurt will ever be able to fully forgive me; I know I don't feel like I will ever be able to fully forgive myself.

I don't know why I let my Father have power over me again after all these years, but I did. And he almost, or maybe even has, succeeded in doing just want he wanted. Breaking up my family. And I don't know if I can live with myself if I have allowed him to do that.

I jump as the sound of the door opening brings me out of my brooding. I look up to see Carole entering the room.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," I say quickly, because I know I am on thin enough ice with her and Burt as it is.

"Don't worry Blaine, you didn't. I had to get up and get ready to go for work." It's only then that I notice that Carole is indeed dressed for work. "Burt's upstairs with Elizabeth, and I thought I would make him a drink before I left," she explains. And I feel my heart clench, knowing that my daughter is upstairs with her grandpa, and I can't hear her crying. It makes it clear to me that she has a better relationship with him and Carole than she does with me. And that hurts because I only drove her away because of my father. I let him get into my head. "_You do realize Elizabeth isn't you child, don't you? You aren't her father. That faggy husband of yours is. A child can't have two fathers_." And deep down I am still feeling a bit like that. I can't shake the words out of my head. I never used to feel like this. I never used to view her any differently than I do Thomas. But at the moment something deep inside of me can't help but think she will never love me the way she loves Kurt, because she's his, not mine.

"You alright, sweetie?" Carole asks, placing a hand on my arm gently. And I know I must have been in my own thoughts for too long.

"Yes," I lie. I am so far from fine. "Sorry. There is enough water for you to use to make Burt a drink without reboiling the kettle," I tell her quickly. While the small bit of comfort she offered is nice, I don't feel like I deserve it. I didn't even feel like I deserved it from Kurt last night. But I couldn't stop myself, because I just needed to feel loved for a while. I couldn't reject his offer for comfort again. I found it hard enough the past few months while everything was a secret, but I couldn't reject him know he knew the truth and was still willing to offer me that comfort.

I must have been lost in my thoughts again as when I look back at Carole I see she is about to leave. "It's good to have you back, Blaine." She states before leaving the room. And I wonder how much she knows if she still wants me here. I have a feeling Kurt has kept more of this to himself than I had expected. And it makes it even more understandable why he is so tired. I know how he deals with things if he bottles them up and keeps them to himself. He drives himself crazy running over all the different situations in his head. Think about what he's done wrong, or what he could have done differently. And slowly he believes that the situation he is in is more and more his fault. He's done it many times, over the years I've known him. And I know this will be no different, especially if he's kept most of the details from Burt and Carole.

I finally lift the kettle to make myself a drink, because even though it's my fault, Kurt isn't the only one who hasn't been sleeping well. I may have been the one distancing myself from him, but sleeping apart from Kurt never feels right. The bed always feels too big and empty and recently the house has been just too quiet. Even the absence of Kurt quietly humming as he designs makes the house feel like it's dead.

I peek into the living room to see if the movement of both me and Carole has woken Kurt. I am happy when I see he is still fast asleep. He's always looked so peaceful when he sleeps and right now is no exception. I close the door gently again and leave him to it. I know that right now I have no right to watch him sleep like I love doing. That doesn't mean I don't hope to be able to one day soon. I am hoping, from what Kurt said to me last night, that he is willing to let me prove to him how big a mistake I made over all of this. I hope he allows me to prove how much I love him and the children. And most of all, I hope he allows himself to open up to me, so I can help him work through just how much I've hurt him. And I know I have. If he gives me the chance to do that I know I will spend the rest of my life making this up to him.


	19. 19: Reunited

Can't really go into the reasons why i haven't been able to update much recently. But it may still be a few more weeks before i start being able to update every week again. But never worry i will no abandon the story. I will continue to update even if it does take me a while.

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Blaine's POV

"Papa!" I hear the scream and look up to find a very shocked Thomas standing in the kitchen doorway, and Kurt standing not far behind.

"Hello Thomas," I say gently, before looking to Kurt, who just mouths, "I thought it would be a nice surprise for him." And it hurts when he says that, because after everything I've done to him he's still thinking of me.

"I missed you, papa," Thomas tells me, running towards me. I open up my arms and pull him into a hug, because gosh have I missed him. I've missed my whole family. The house has been so empty without them. As soon as he is on my lap, he snuggles his face into my chest. And I have to close my eyes to stop me getting overwhelmed by it all, because it's my fault all this happened and I am not going to cry in front of my son.

"I've missed you too, Thomas. All of you, you, Lizzie, and daddy," I tell him honestly. And I catch Kurt smile out of the corner of my eye. And right now that's all I can hope for. Smiling and not looking like he's got the weight of the world on his shoulder, even though I know he feels like he really does. And that's all down to me.

"Papa?" Thomas saying in a tone that I know means he's got a question.

"Yes, buddy?" I respond. I know that I won't be able to say no to pretty much anything he asks after being away from him for so long. And I can see why Kurt always used to give into me, due to my eyes, because Thomas definitely had inherited them.

"Because you're here now, can we make breakfast for daddy like we used to?" And him asking this makes me want to smile and cry at the same time. I want to smile because I love the fact that he remembers that once or twice a month we would try, and normally fail, at making breakfast for his daddy, so his daddy got a rest from the cooking. And it also makes me smile that he wants me to spend time with him, and that he's being kind and thinking of giving his daddy a break. But it makes me want to cry, because it used to be an occurrence in the house that Thomas used to tell me we were making breakfast for daddy, rather than asking me if we could. I know it's something he's always enjoyed. It also hurts because I can't remember the last time I actually did anything with Thomas or for Kurt. I don't even need to think about the answer.

"Of course we can, if daddy wants us to." I say. I know this doesn't solve anything between me and Kurt. But if it gives me time to spend with my son, and gives Kurt a few minutes to rest, well, then I will take it.

And even though Kurt's been standing in the kitchen with us for the whole time, Thomas wriggles down from my lap and bounds over to Kurt. "Daddy, daddy, daddy! Can me and papa make you breakfast, please?" he says bouncing on his feet.

"That would be lovely, Thomas," Kurt replies, and even if I wasn't looking at him I would be able to hear the smile in his voice. "Why don't you go into the bathroom and wash your hands and then you can take me to my table." Kurt directs Thomas, and I can only guess it's because he wants to speak to me on his own for a minute. Without another word Thomas runs off to do that.

"Thomas Hummel-Anderson, no running in the house," Kurt scolds quickly. And Thomas instantly slows himself into a fast walk along with a hardly audible "sorry daddy."

"Are you sure you don't mind doing this Blaine? He did kind of just drop it on you," Kurt asks me and I can see the reservation written all over his face.

I look directly into his eyes trying to reassure him. I should have known that after everything he wouldn't even trust me with the simplest tasks. I don't like it but I can't blame him for it. "Of course I'm sure, Kurt. He's my son." And I know it was the wrong thing to say as soon as the words leave my lips.

"Yes well, that fact hasn't stopped you letting him down for the past few months, has it?" Kurt snaps. And ok ouch that hurts, because I know I haven't and I regret it so much.

I want to snap back, but I don't because I know why Kurt said it and whether I like it or not, it's true. "I know and I'm sorry for that, Kurt. I truly am. I know this doesn't make it up to him. But I would love it if my husband started to let me make thing up to both him and my son. I know that this goes nowhere in really showing you how sorry I am for everything over the past few months, but I have to start somewhere. And if it puts a smile on yours and Thomas' faces, well, that's enough for now," I tell him honestly. Because I know better than anyone that's it going to take a lot to get Kurt's trust back. And that's if he ever lets me get it back, but I know I am willing to try forever.

"I can give you that," he replies softly and as I said, that's all I can ask for. What he does next shocks me; he steps forward for a hug. I go with him instantly and while it isn't a long hug it's enough for now. Enough to show me that's he's at least giving me some sort of chance to make this all okay again.

As we pull apart Thomas enters the room, and I guess by the smile on his face that he saw me and his daddy hugging. And it makes me really think about how long it is since the last time he saw us show any loving contact towards each other. And I vow that I am going to change that. I know that I can't push Kurt right now, but I know I can start making little gestures in front of our children so they know that their daddy and I really do love each other.

"Come on, daddy," Thomas tells Kurt. "You need to come with me and sit down so you can choose your breakfast. I watch as Thomas takes hold of Kurt's hand and pulls him into the living room. I just hope Kurt choses something that there is here to cook, along with something I actually have a hope of cooking. While Thomas is with Kurt I get his stool out along with a glass and a coffee mug, because even if he doesn't ask for it, Kurt is getting coffee and juice. I turn on the coffee maker, wash my hands and wait for Thomas to return.

He comes running into the kitchen and I know I have no choice but to tell him off. "Thomas what did daddy just tell you about running in the house?" I remind him

"Sorry papa, but I'm so excited, it's been ages since we made daddy breakfast and I didn't want to forget what he wanted," he rushes out.

"Okay, calm down and tell me before you forget," I coax gently.

"Scrambled egg on toast, with orange juice," Thomas speaks slowly, making sure he pronounces all his words properly. And okay that I can do. I pick Thomas up and stand him on his stool.

"Okay, come on then Chef Thomas, you stay there while Papa Chef gets everything we need." And the way Thomas giggles just makes my whole face light up.

I grab enough eggs for all of us including Burt and Elizabeth, as I know they haven't been fed yet and I'm sure they won't say no to food. And I know scrambled eggs aren't something Kurt will mind Burt having.

I place it all down on the counter and I take Thomas' hand to place it on the orange juice so he can help me open it and pour it. "Gently," I instruct and we lift the carton towards the glass. And I let Thomas have control just guiding gently if I think that he is being a little over zealous.

"Take this through to daddy, carefully," I say once the glass is full. And Thomas just does that. I use the time to break the eggs in to the bowl, and add a few other ingredients I only know to use because of the amount of times Kurt had to teach me how to make this dish before I was actually able to do so. However I leave the mixing for Thomas.

He's soon back on the stool and doing just that.

"I really missed you papa. You haven't got to go back to work just yet have you?" I knew being back with my family would make me realize just how much I had hurt them all, but that doesn't make him saying things like that any easier. It doesn't stop my eyes from tearing up and the lump that forms in my throat. I swallow hard knowing I need to reply.

"No Thomas, papa doesn't have to work for a while. I have got some time off work, to spend with you, Elizabeth and daddy. I know I haven't been around enough recently, but I promise you I will be now. Okay?" I'm trying to reassure him, but I wouldn't be shocked if he didn't believe me. I know I've broken my promises to him way too many times.

"Okay papa. Daddy's been sad without you. And so have I," he tells me honestly.

I take the whisk out of his hand and turn him around on the stool. "I know. And I know that was my fault, as I shouldn't have kept breaking promises to you all. But I can tell you I won't be doing that again. All three of you mean too much for me to do that." I pull him into a hug knowing that I'm about to cry. I don't want him to see that; it's not fair.

After that we finish the food quickly and Thomas helps me carry the food into the living room for everyone. Now he's acting as a waiter, not letting me do anything but help him carry the food; even making me sit down so he can hand me mine, rather than allowing me to give him his. o

As I sit on the sofa between Kurt and Thomas, with Elizabeth to Kurt's right in her high chair, and Burt across the room in his recliner, I could so easily forget the past 6 months have happened. I could believe that I've gone back in time, and that I haven't really hurt my family. I could believe that we are here for a holiday just like we are every August. And I just hope that one day soon, I will be able to move past these past 6 months and be like this again, being the strongest family we have ever been.


	20. 20: Honesty and Truth

****Sorry this is taking me so long to update at the moment. However I have a few personal things going on that are stopping me from writing at the moment. And i also ended up in hospital which also took away more time. Hope you enjoy this, and i am hoping in a few weeks I may slowly be able to get back to a more consistent update time again.

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**Kurt's POV**

I know we have to talk. Yesterday was lovely and, while Elizabeth wouldn't have anything to do with Blaine, it was nice to see Blaine and Thomas interacting again. At times I could even believe that nothing had ever changed over the past 6 months. That Blaine hadn't been distant for so long and that we were just as happy as we have always been. But then something would remind me that we're not. That I've spent the last 6 months having my heart broken by this man. That I've spent the last 6 months raising our children almost single handed whilst trying to hold down a very demanding job, and keep the house in order.

What is worse was each time I started to feel slightly happy I was quickly reminded how unloved I've felt over the past 6 months. How I've been made to question the way I've been behaving. How I've questioned if I've somehow become unlovable or uneasy on the eye. And right now no matter how much anyone may tell me otherwise that's just what I feel like. It's strange, because back when I was younger I never needed anyone for me to feel good about myself, and even when people put me down I never thought I was bad looking. It's funny how the man I love rejecting me over and over again has made me question everything I ever thought about myself.

And I know that's why we need to start talking sooner rather than later. Because as much as Richard has made Blaine doubt himself, Blaine has made me doubt myself. It might have been caused but two completely different reasons but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt and that doesn't mean I'm not suffering. I know we both need to talk about how we are feeling. I need to hear Blaine out and hear why he decided it was best to act like he did. And I need to be honest with him and tell him how his actions have made me feel. I know that it will only be once we have done that that we will have any chance of trying to patch this relationship back together. And I know that even if we are both willing to work at that, it's going to take some time. And that's if we can ever get back what we had after all that's happened. I want to be able to but I know I have to be realistic about the whole thing.

I decide that it's best for us to talk somewhere neutral, so most certainly not in this house. There are too many memories here for both of us, both individual and shared. We walk to the park in silence, having agreed that if either of us needs a bit of space we can easily take ourselves off for a walk. It isn't like being enclosed inside anywhere, where we would feel like we have to stay. We walk in silence and I hate how uncomfortable it feels, it's not something I'm used to. I'm used to being able to spend hours in silence with Blaine knowing that words aren't needed, that we feel comfortable enough to just be ourselves. But right now it's clear we're on edge and that we both need to talk. The silence only seems to make to walk drag even more.

Once we arrive we walk to the far end where I know there is a secluded bench, away from other members of the public, just in case emotions do get a bit out of hand. We end up sitting at completely opposite ends of the bench, as if we are both scared of the other, and it seems that both of us are waiting for the other to start. Not quite knowing what to say or how to go about this.

"I'm sorry," Blaine begins after the long silence. But it's not what we need. It's not what either of us need. We both know that he's sorry for what he's done. And his repeating it won't change anything.

"I know you are," I reassure. "That isn't why we are here. We're not here for you to apologize. We're here to allow us to talk it through. For you to try and explain what you did, and for me to explain how that made me feel. To find out where we both stand and work out where we want to go from here," I explain, turning to look at Blaine.

"There is just so much. I don't even know where to start," Blaine tells me honestly. And it's a start, his being honest.

"Then let me start?" I question, as I don't want him to feel like he can't if he wants to. But he nods so I do just that.

"When I read your email, the main thing that was on my mind, wasn't really the content other than the final sentence. You telling me that you were coming to Lima. I didn't know what it might mean for me or for us. But just to know that you were willing to come to Lima, to be near me, it made me wonder if actually maybe you did still care," I confess. And this whole thing is a lot harder than I thought. I don't really know what I say either.

"I understand," Blaine replies so I continue.

"Then I did as you asked. I read the emails. Or I read the first email; I don't know how many times I had to stop. Because no matter what you had put me through up to that point, it still hurt me reading the things your dad said about you and our family. I mean, I've always known your father has had problems with you, but seeing it there in front of me made me realize how bad it's always been. And honestly, I couldn't imagine my dad ever being like that. But that wasn't the hardest thing to take from it all. What was hardest for me, reading your emails, was the ones where you defended me and defended Thomas and Elizabeth. As that was the man I loved right there." I declare, unable to look anywhere but the floor. "Writing those words defending this family no matter what it cost you. But knowing that that wasn't what I had been seeing. While you had been defending us to you father. You were driving us apart. And while I realize what you were doing, I can't understand it," I admit, finally allowing myself to look up and into Blaine's eyes and not at the floor.

Blaine is quiet for a while and I wonder if I've said too much already. And that worries me with all I have left to say. But after a while he does start speaking. "Honestly, at first, I didn't want to bother you. I mean why, after all of the years I'd had living happily with you, would I let a man who stopped loving me the minute he learned the real me break that up. My dad had never loved me the way you had, so I thought I could just deal with it, and not have to worry you." I can tell this whole conversation is making Blaine uncomfortable. And I know it's the fact that he's opening himself up right now. It's never something he's found easy. But I let him continue as I really don't want to interrupt him. "I know you've always had so much on. I know how hard you work for Vogue and everything and really, I thought the last thing you would want on your mind was my father," Blaine reveals. And even though we haven't been talking for very long yet, I feel as though we may get somewhere with this conversation.

"You know that was never true though, don't you?" I ask even though I'm going to answer my own question. "No matter how busy I was, with work and the children and everything else I would have always had time for you. Even if you just wanted to rant about the whole thing and not even want me to respond I would have still been there to listen," I assure. And I can tell Blaine is still uncomfortable, by the way he is fiddling with his own hands. He's scared he's losing control of everything. I know one thing that may work in this situation. It's not ideal, but I'm sure it will ground him. It will allow him to continue to talk and solely focus on why were are here and nothing else.

"Blaine," I speak gently, holding out my hand hoping he understands what I want to do. It's something I've done for him many times in the past, when he found out he had to have surgery because of Sebastian, when he was failing to keep calm when I tried to have a meal over at the Anderson's, and even briefly on our wedding day. But I wonder if he remembers. It seems he does though, as the second my hand is extended his wrist is in my palm. I close my hand around it gently I press my thumb firmly against his pulse. I see him sag with relief almost instantly, and it seems I made the correct decision.

"Thank you," Blaine states simply in return. He continues to speak again, and this time I have a feeling most of what happened over the past few months will come out. "I know, and it was the first mistake in a line of many. When it continued after I didn't tell you originally, I was scared what you might think about me for not telling you if I told you now. My father was already making me feel weak, and I was scared you would make me feel even weaker for not coming to you straight away." Blaine says, looking away from me. I allow him to. I just allow him to continue speaking, knowing that I will get my time. Right now while he's doing so well and he needs to continue. I know how hard this is for him, even with me.

"I mean, I know that that you wouldn't have," he emphasizes "but I was already in that headspace and couldn't believe anything but." I increase my grip on Blaine's wrist slightly so that he knows that I'm still listening to him and what he has to say. "And then he started to threaten you, and I felt like I had to protect you. And I don't mean because I don't think you can protect yourself. But because I felt that as your husband it was my job to stop you getting hurt. I know you've been threatened enough in your life." Blaine continues to explain, and we seem to have migrated slightly closer as he's been talking and it's nice. We aren't too close to be uncomfortable, but we're not sitting so far apart that we could pass as complete strangers. "What I didn't envision was how hard keeping it all from you would be. By keeping you safe, by keeping it from you, I was pushing you away. And the more my dad threatened, the more I thought that pushing you away was the right thing to do. That it was better to be hurt by someone who loved you, than it would for me to let my father hurt you." And Blaine is beginning to cry and I think it's only now that I really do realize just how much he has hurt himself as well.

I lift my free hand and gently wipe away the tears. "Hey, no need for the tears. I think I'm starting to understand. Can you continue, please?" I ask gently, not wanting to push but wanting to be able to know the rest of what Blaine has to say.

"Soon I got into a headspace that you were better, and safer, without me. But I couldn't break up with you, and I couldn't let me dad hurt you. I knew my only chose was to drive you away, and I thought it was best for both you and the children. I feel like half of the past six months I haven't really been me. My father's been inside my head, and I didn't realize what I was doing until it was too late. There were a few times I tried to be honest, but by then I felt like I was in too deep, and that I would lose you anyway if I told you the truth. And deep down I knew that was never what I wanted. I never wanted to lose you or the children. You make my life complete. But for some reason I didn't seem to get full control back of who I was until Wes showed up. And I don't know quite how but he made me realize that actually letting you leave was a bigger mistake that keeping it all from you in the first place. And it truly was." And the tears are falling down his cheeks again, but I leave them as I can feel my own falling too. "I realized that the whole six months were the biggest mistake of my life, and that even if you hated me, I would hate myself even more if I didn't at least try to explain why I had done it all. To at least try and make things right," Blaine finishes the last bit so fast that I struggle to keep up with what he's saying, but I soon realize that it's all out when Blaine dissolves into sobs next to me.

"Thank you," I whisper, moving myself so I can offer Blaine some comfort. "It means a lot that you have told me, and it makes me understand more why you did it. I will be honest with you, I am still not happy that you did it. But I am happy you explained it to me." I tell him honestly, but say nothing more. I know how far we have come today and if this is where we leave it, I'm happy. After a while Blaine speak again.

"Will you tell me?" he asks, voice still horse from the crying. And I think I know what he wants to know but I want him to confirm it before I start.

"Tell you what?" I question.

"How it made you feel. I told you why, and you said at the start this talk was for both of us. And I know that means you need to be honest with me about how I made you feel. Not just me telling you why I did it." And it's so true. This can't be one sided, not anymore.

"Okay, if you're sure," I respond, not wanting to keep Blaine waiting too long. He nods, so I start without waiting for him to say anything else.

"It hurt me a lot. That's the easiest way for me to sum it up as a whole," I begin, because it's the easiest way for me to go into this. "At first I thought maybe it was just the pressure of work or something. So I tried to help and you pushed me away. And it just hurt a little bit but I could put it aside, as after a while you seemed back to normal. But then you started to withdraw more, and the more you did that the more I wondered if it was me." I look up as Blaine takes hold of both of my hands, offering me gentle support. And it's nice that he feels comfortable enough to return the gesture I showed him earlier, even if it's achieved in a different way. "I couldn't help but question if I wasn't a good enough husband. And that was when you started just rejecting me for everyday stuff. Then I struggled to remember to last time we were intimate in the bedroom and I tried to do something to make you feel good and you pushed me off. And it left me wondering if I was really that repulsive and that's why you didn't want to be near me anymore. And that's just what you were doing to me personally. But I also had to watch what you were doing to our children." The tears have been building in my eyes and at the talk of our children I can't hold them back anymore. I let them flow know that this is the time to do it; this is the time to be completely honest. Blaine's done me that favour and now it's up to me to return it.

"I had to watch as Elizabeth became more and more unsure of who you were. When you started to withdraw from her she wasn't old enough to understand. Every time I mentioned you and she told me 'no dada' it broke my heart. Because I wanted her to have the same relationship she does with me with you. And then there was Thomas, and all the times you broke promises to him. All the times you weren't around to tell him the fact you were breaking them. I had to be the one to tell him. I had to see the way he tried to hide how disappointed he was, in a way no 5 year old should have to." And I know that this is starting to sound like I'm blaming Blaine for everything, but now that it's coming out I can't help it. I've held it in for so long.

"I kept trying to be strong. Every time you were late home I tried to think you were doing it for the family. That I would get answers soon. But they never came. And I was working harder to try and keep our children happy, trying to keep my job going, and the house in order. And I had to watch as you came and went as you pleased. And through it all, I had to hold myself together. As each day there was less and less physical contact between the two of us. You stopped telling me you loved me, and stopped kissing me and stopped hugging me. And I felt like I was carrying the weight of everything on my shoulders. And the one person, who I would normally turn to for support, was the one causing it. But what hurt the most was that it was being caused by a man who I thought loved me; a man I knew that, no matter what, I would never stop loving." And this time it's my turn to break, because I've said it. I've said the one thing that leaves me most vulnerable. I've admitted to Blaine that no matter what he does to me, I won't ever be able to stop loving him.

I soon feel myself encased in Blaine's arms. And I can't remember the last time he held me. And it only makes me cry harder, because it's always been something that's been so easy between us. And right now after we have both opened up to how we've been feeling. Both aired feelings that have been hidden too long, it's what we both need.

"Sorry Kurt, I'm so so sorry." And I can hear the tears in Blaine's voice, and for once I'm glad because it shows that right now we are both at our most vulnerable. Both open to each other. And then he says the words that I need to hear the most. The words that make me understand why I am putting myself through all of this. "I never stopped loving you either." And while things are far from solved, I know this is the first in a line of conversations where we try and sort out the mess that all this has become. And right now I really do believe it will end up being sorted. That we will become the family we were once more, and soon this will just be a bad chapter that we can put behind us.


	21. 21: Inquisitive Child

So I am off on holiday for the week tomorrow, and hoping that not long after I get back that I will be able to start writing more and updating better again. Anyway i hope you enjoy this chapter

**Blaine POV**

If I think back over the past few days since I've been in Lima, I am honestly surprised how quickly Thomas has welcomed me back. As I watch him now, playing cars in front of me, I sometimes wonder if all of the things that have happened over the past 6 months are part of my imagination. But then I look over at Elizabeth and realize they're not. While Thomas has easily been able to adjust to having me back, Elizabeth is the worst she's ever been around me. And honestly I can't blame her for it. I mean, I haven't exactly been around her much recently. I just hope that it's something I'll be able to build back with her slowly, as it wasn't always like this. I remember how much she used to love me singing her to sleep, on the nights when it was my turn to get up with her when she woke in the middle of the night.

I know that the only person I have to blame is myself, and I know that, no matter happens, I will always be blaming myself for this. I don't think I will ever truly forgive myself. However, I know I can't dwell on that. I need to be making up for lost time, and spending time down on the floor playing with Thomas and trying to encourage Lizzie to come closer to me. I glance over to Kurt, who is sketching away, and I feel bad that he has to do it in here, as Lizzie won't be in a room with me without him. I do know however, that it's more work than he's got done since he's been in Lima, so I move myself down onto to floor to try and keep Thomas occupied a bit longer. He instantly moves closer to me and I can't help but smile.

"Race with me papa?" he asks sliding me a toy car.

"Of course," I reply putting my hand on the car and lining it up with the one Thomas is holding on the floor.

"3,2,1,GO!," he shouts pushing his car on the 2 or 1, rather than go, but I really don't mind. I let mine go, making sure his will travel further than mine. I won't keep letting him win, but just for now, I want him to feel good about himself.

It surprises me how long the cars keep Thomas occupied. I should have known he would take some of his toy likings from his daddy and grandpa, and this is definitely one of them. He makes it clear when he is finished, because instead of going to retrieve both cars and sliding mine back to me he picks them up and places them in the box. We have always tried to encourage him to tidy his toys as he plays with them. Not only has it always saved me and Kurt a job but it teaches him that he has to look after things himself. He quickly comes back up to me afterwards.

"Cuddle, papa?" and it's more of a question than I would like it to be, but I oblige quickly, lifting myself up onto the sofa, before patting my lap, to encourage him to climb up. I allow myself the revel in the feeling of having my son back in my arms. I'm about to ask him if he wants to watch a little bit of telly when he speaks before me.

"Papa, when do you have to go again?" he questions sadly.

"What do you mean Thomas?" I ask, because really I don't quite understand what he means.

"When do you have to go away again? Like when we were back at our house. Since you came to grandpa's you haven't left. But at home you left all the time, when do you have to go again?" It's then that I realize what he means. He thinks that I'm only here to visit him. He thinks that soon I'm going to hardly be around in his life again. And while I know Kurt and I have a lot of things to talk about, no matter what happens between us, I know I won't let myself be that absent from his life ever again.

I try and think of what to say to him. How do I explain what's been happening to a 5 year old? I don't even know what to say. I know I haven't been sat thinking for long when the sofa dips next to me and I look over to see Kurt sat next to me. He moves his hand and links it with mine. And I know he's going to help me explain. He's always been better with things like this than I am. It was the same when we had to explain to him how some people don't like our way of life. I just froze, but Kurt came out with the perfect explanation for his age.

"Thomas," Kurt says waiting for Thomas to look up at him and give him his full attention before continuing. "What happened with Papa is hard for even daddy and papa to understand. We know that it's confusing for you though, so we will try and explain what you need to know, alright? But remember, like we have told you before, some things aren't for little boys to hear or understand." And that's why Kurt is perfect at this.

"Okay daddy," Thomas replies. I know I don't want to sit and have this conversation with our son, but I know what Kurt said is right. I know that he's been confused by all of this, and that he's too young to understand why I haven't been around. But I also know that he is the kind of child that will dwell on it all until he gets answers to at least some of his questions.

I glance at Kurt and he indicates to me that he will start to speak first which I am glad about. I just hope that I can at least help a little in this conversation. I caused the problem and I don't want Kurt to have to deal with it all, even if I am here to offer support.

"Thomas, do you remember the conversation you and I had on the plane ride here?" Kurt begins, and Thomas just nods in reply. "You remember that I told you papa, wasn't just making you sad, but making daddy sad too?" he asks gently. And I watch as Thomas nods again and that hurts. Knowing that my husband had to explain to our son why he was leaving because of me, in a way that didn't make our son think he was at fault, really hurts.

"Well papa didn't break those promises because he doesn't love you. In fact, he loves you an awful lot, bud," Kurt continues, and it's nice to hear him say that. It's nice to know that deep down he knows I didn't do this because I don't love the children or him. But that I thought it was the best thing to do to keep them all safe. I decide it's my turn to help with this conversation.

"Daddy's right, Thomas. I really do love you. All three of you. You must always remember that, alright?" I ask, because I need to be sure he knows I mean it. I catch Kurt smiling out of the corner of my eye, and I hope he realizes that I mean it. That not only do I really love the children, but I still really love him and never stopped.

"Yes papa. But if you love us, why didn't you tell us why you were always going? Why couldn't you just say you couldn't do things rather than just not turning up?" Thomas questions, looking up at me with a confused face. And I know this is the time we have to be most careful with what we say but I am determined to try and do it myself. I can't let Kurt do everything.

"Do you remember when you were a bit younger and daddy and me sat down and told you that not everyone agrees that daddy and I love each other?" I ask, trying to work out the best way to explain all of this to a child who is too clever for his own good.

"Yes papa and you told me that some people just struggle to understand people who are different from them. You told me that to you love is what important and that you and daddy loved me and Elizabeth more than anything in the world. And you also said that if anyone said anything nasty, I was to ignore them and tell you, daddy or my teacher," Thomas rushes out, and I can tell by his face that he's excited that he remembered all of that. And honestly I'm shocked. He was pretty young when we had that conversation.

"That's right," I praise before continuing. "Remember that for a second while papa explains something else. You know that Grandpa Burt is Kurt's dad. And even thought you call Carole Grandma, that she isn't your real grandma, as your real grandma died when daddy was little." I know I have to explain about my parents, if I want Thomas to understand what he needs to. I can feel my hand, that's still clasped with Kurt's, becoming clammy. This has always been a subject we tried to avoid bringing up. We decided it was for the best if my parents just weren't mentioned.

"Yes daddy's mummy is Grandma Elizabeth. That's who Elizabeth is named after," Thomas confirms.

"That's right. Well you know how Finn is your uncle because his mummy is Carole?" Thomas nods, so I continue "And you know Uncle Cooper is papa's brother. Cooper and I have the same mummy and daddy. But this is where papa needs you to listen very carefully, okay?"

"Yes papa, I'm listening," Thomas replies, snuggling into my chest and getting himself comfortable.

"Well papa's mummy and daddy are not like Grandpa and Grandma Carole. My parents are like the people we were talking about earlier, who don't like the fact that I love daddy. Papa doesn't have much to do with his parents, but sometimes papa's dad gets angry at papa." I feel Kurt squeeze my hand offering reassurance. He knows how hard I have always found it to talk about my parents. Even when we became a couple back at Dalton, the subject was avoided for a good few months. "Well papa didn't want you, Elizabeth and Daddy to have to be around while his daddy was angry with him. So I was doing lots of things to keep my dad away from you. And I was doing that because I love you all. Papa and daddy have spoken, and papa should have told daddy about my dad, but I didn't want to make daddy sad. Papa was trying to keep you all safe, but instead papa made you all sad. Does that all make sense?"

There's a short pause before Thomas speaks. "So you were trying to be a good papa, and look after all of us. But instead you ended up being a naughty papa because you made all us sad. But now daddy knows about your dad, he isn't as sad any more, and you are making us happy again?"

And really in a nutshell to an almost 6year old that's it. "That is exactly right. Do you feel like you know enough now to know papa isn't leaving again?"

"Yes papa, and I'm glad you're staying. It's nicer when we are all a family." Thomas finishes

"That it is, bud," Kurt replies, and it's nice to know he feels that way too. "Do you remember how daddy also told you that sometimes daddy and papa needed to have adult talk? Well now is one of those times. Would you mind going to play, so daddy and papa can talk?" Kurt asks, and I know it's true; we really do need to talk about all of this. We need to do what we can to limit the effect it continues to have on our children.

"Okay, daddy. Love you papa," Thomas says kissing my cheek, "Love you daddy," he says as he moves over to Kurt's lap to also kiss his cheek. Before sliding off the sofa and going to play with his toys.

"Thank you," I begin, but then don't say anything else because I'm not quite sure what else to say.

"Thank you too. I'm glad you helped me explain it to him," Kurt counters gently.

We sit in silence for a while, and it soon became clear to me what we need. "Let me take you out?" I question. Kurt just looks at me with confusion, so I elaborate on what I mean. "Like a sort of date, not exactly but kind of. Let's see if Carole and Burt or Finn will have Thomas and Elizabeth and you and I can go out for a meal together." I explain, turning to face Kurt straight on, pulling my legs up onto the sofa.

"I don't get what that has to do with the conversation we just had?" Kurt admits honestly.

I take hold of his other hand as I start to speak, looking directly into his eyes. "I haven't been the husband or parent I should have been over the past six months. We both seem like we are willing to work on this, but that means that not only have I got to be a better parent but a better husband. So I want to take you out, just the two of us. I don't want it to be a proper date, because I know it's not the time. But I want us to be able to use it as a time to reconnect together, both as a partnership and as parents. Does that make more sense?"

Kurt nods slowly. "Yes it does. I think you might be right. I think it's a really good place to start rebuilding our relationship. You're right, we are both willing to work on this, but we both have to remember there is a lot to work on. I will try and get Finn to have the children tomorrow night?" Kurt asks.

"That would be perfect. And I know there is a lot to work through, but I'm willing to do it. Through all of what's happened, I've never forgotten what we had. And I'm willing to fight for that because I love you." I reply earnestly. And I would fight for this forever if I have to. I would fight forever to make Kurt realize just how much I really do love him. How much I cherish what I have with him. I just hope that I can start on that journey tomorrow. But for now, I'm just happy that he is even giving me a chance to do so.


	22. 22: Ugly

A/N I was hoping to wait until my beta got this back to me to upload but it's been a while and I don't want you all waiting any longer. I have to say you have one very special person to thank for this chapter being ready, and that's Chris Colfer himself. No I am not crazy, he came to the UK and did a book signing I don't live at all close to where it was but was determined to go, and I wrote this on the journey to the shopping center. Anyway so after 36 hours away from home and 22 hours camping, I ACTUALLY MET CHRIS COLFER! And OMG it was worth every second of the waiting and even thought the time with him was short he was amazing and I have never met such a laid back and kind celebrity, he had something individual to say to everyone. It was Sunday and its not Tuesday and i am still not over it and still don't believe it happened. Sorry for the excitable babble but I live in the UK and never ever dreamed Chris would do a signing over here.

Back to the point at hand the fic, this is chapter 22 hasn't been beta'd yet but will replace with beta'd copy once i receive - hope you enjoy. Also just noticed the 200 reviews I really am overwhelmed thanks guys.

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**Kurt's POV**

As I put yet another outfit back into my closet, I can feel myself starting to get worked up. Nothing is matching up together, and the things that are make me look fat. I never have this much trouble choosing clothes normally; I normally know instantly what works and what doesn't. I normally feel good in anything. Right now I just feel disgusting and ugly. I don't feel good enough; I just can't go out looking like I do, wearing anything that is currently in this closest.

But I have to do this. This is meant to be time for me and Blaine to spend alone talking about who we are as a couple and as parents. This is a chance to hopefully get back on the same page with Blaine. Time to work on what caused him to be so distant when we were back in New York. Sort out what we want to do about Richard, to become the strong family we once were.

I have to do this. I have to find something that I look good in. It's been so long since Blaine wanted to be near me, I need to look good for him, as I obviously haven't been good enough recently. I select another outfit from the closet and put it on, realising how long I've already been up here. Finn came for the children half an hour ago and I was meant to be ready to leave by then.

I walk into the bathroom and look into the mirror. Once again I instantly know it's not right and I look so fat. Honestly, no wonder all Blaine's been doing is withdrawing from me. Who would ever want someone that looks and sounds like me? It's all too much and I can't do this. I cannot go out there like this, it's too much. I sink to the floor and for the first time in so long I let my insecurities that I've been pushing down about myself surface. I allow myself to acknowledge how I'm really feeling about myself and I let the emotions come along with it.

I don't know how long I stay there on the bathroom floor, but it must be a while. In the end I hear the door open, but I can't even be bothered to look up. I don't feel strong enough to face anyone or anything right now. I've been holding everything together too long and well it's finally taken its toll. I'm ugly and unwanted, that much is clear.

"Kurt?" I hear Blaine say, and it's a question that much I am sure of. But I can't look up. I can't look up and see the disgust and rejection in his eyes. Just for a while longer I need to hold on to the image of the way he used to look at me, like I was the only man in the whole world. I need to remember when he looked at me like I was worth more than anything else to him. I know if I look at him now that that will all be gone.

All of a sudden I feel an arm around my shoulder, Blaine trying to offer me comfort. "Kurt, look at me," he commands gently but I still can't. When I haven't responded for several seconds I feel Blaine's warm hand under my chin, gently trying to lift my head. I close my eyes and stop fighting, I let it happen. I know I have to, at some point, so I do. I open my eyes just in time for my sight to lock with his and I don't see the disgust or rejection I expected. I see concern and, dare I say it, love.

"Talk to me?" Blaine asks gently.

"What's the point?" I ask "It won't change anything."

Blaine sits down on the floor just in front of me keeping eye contact. "You're upset, and I won't believe for a moment that I haven't got something to do with it. So talk to me, let me see if I can help," he states gently.

"Nothing will help. Nothing will make me desirable; nothing can stop me looking fat, or ugly. Nothing can stop me being repulsive and that's what I am. I know that's what…"

"Stop that," Blaine says harshly and at his tone I do, because it's not like him to talk like that.

"Up," he orders, giving pretty much no room for argument. He walks into the bedroom and I follow, because he will only come back if I don't. He sits on my bed, and beckons me over by patting the bed between his legs. I don't know quite why but I do it.

I climb onto the bed and sit myself in between Blaine's legs, sitting stiffly not quite sure what to do. And I hate feeling like this; it never used to feel like this. I try and hold it back, but a small sob escapes from my lips, and as it does I feel Blaine's arms come around me and pull me against his chest. And this, this is something I know, this is familiar. And I can't help but start crying properly again, because I miss this so much.

"Hey, shhhh, you're gonna be alright," Blaine soothes gently. "I know this is my fault, but I want to help you. I need you to talk to me."

I close my eyes and relax, because this is the Blaine I know, this is my Blaine. I allow myself to just feel this for a while and I know that Blaine will probably just give me the time I need to start talking to him, or I hope he will anyway.

I'm right, he doesn't say anything and after a while I feel ready to speak.

"I feel so ugly," I say honestly. "It isn't a new thing, I've been feeling like this for a good while, but I just can't hold it in anymore."

"Okay, carry on I'm listening," Blaine reassures after I'm silent again for a while.

"I feel so disgusting all the time, and I feel like I'm fat, and not at all pleasing on the eyes. Like I said earlier, I feel repulsive. I feel like I'm not worth anything. And most of all I feel like I'm not worthy of being loved," I admit truthfully, and because it's been a while since I was able to, once I start speaking I just can't stop. "I mean look at me, my skin is too pale. I don't exactly look like your typical man. I've always been seen as too feminine. And well that's just all topped off by the way I sound," I rush out. I wonder if, at some point, my brain is going to catch up and stop me talking.

Blaine starts to twist my body and I know he's trying to hint at me to turn around. I do so slowly, not quite sure if I want to see the look on Blaine face when I do. But as I do see his face I don't see what I expected. Instead of the rejection I expected to see there, I see concern sparking in his eyes, and having seen the look many times, I know its concern for me.

"You know that's not true, don't you?" He asks stroking my face gently with his thumb. And as I shake my head, I can't help the tear that escapes because I really do feel that everything I said is true.

"Well, I will tell you now, Kurt Hummel-Anderson, that none of it is true," Blaine reassures me. I want to believe him, but I can't. "I think I might know, at least partly, why, but can you tell me why, truthfully, without worrying about my reaction?"

And maybe I shouldn't, because, well, we aren't on the best terms we ever have been, but I do. I know that rebuilding this relationship has to start somewhere and even if it may hurt him hearing the truth from me, he has to if we are ever going to have any chance at getting what we used to have back.

"As I said, I've been this way for a while. But honestly what started it was all your rejection. At first I tried to look past it, but it slowly started getting to me. You kept rejecting me, and each time something inside me just broke a little more. In the end it snapped and I just gave up even trying. I realised it was because I don't turn you on anymore, that I'm just not desirable like I used to be. So I just, well, gave up. I mean it's not exactly surprising. Look at you, you're perfect in every way, especially compared to me, but well it doesn't make it any easier to deal with."

For a while there's quiet. Just as I think Blaine's been too silent to be planning on saying anything, he starts to talk to me. "I am so so sorry I ever made you feel that way. And I honestly know right now that that is how I made you feel, but it's not true. I did it so you would pull away from me because I couldn't leave you. No matter what my dad was doing, I couldn't leave you. I had to put the ball in your court. But seriously you have and always will be such an attractive man to me. There's nothing wrong with being feminine. I'm not attracted to uber-masculinity anyway. . And I know you don't always like me bringing it up, but you know how much attention you often get when we go out or well used to go out in New York. You're attractive Kurt, and that's the end of that. As for you saying you're fat, you are anything. I've actually been trying to find a time to bring this up, but I'm actually worried. I either didn't notice back in New York or it's happened since you arrived here. Kurt you're tiny. You look like you don't weigh enough. You haven't been eating properly, have you?"

I don't want to admit it, but I shake my head. Honestly I don't remember the last time I ate properly, and that includes when I was back in New York.

"How long for?" Blaine asks and I can hear the concern in his voice. And right now I'm not sure if I'm glad it's there or angry it's there . I mean if he'd have been at all concerned for me in New York, I wouldn't be in this situation. Plus I can't quite get my head around it. I feel fat but he's saying I'm not. Is he just lying to me again? I can't help but wonder.

I look away as I mumble and answer, hoping he won't be able to hear me, because it's not going to change anything. I still feel fat and ugly, no matter how long I haven't been eating properly for.

He clearly doesn't hear but he doesn't let me get away with it. He lifts my face up to look at him holding it there, before asking again. "Kurt, how long haven't you been eating properly for?"

"I dunno, it started in New York. I'd say with all the stress of coming here, and, well if I'm honest, thinking that our relationship could really be over it's been even worse since I've been here. But it's not working anyway because I'm still fat." As I finish I turn my face out of Blaine's grasp because I can't stand being made to look at him any longer.

I don't notice that he's got up from the bed until I feel him guiding me to do the same. I reluctantly comply, because I just don't want to fight right now. I'm fed up of fighting. Fed up of fighting with Blaine, fed up of fighting how I feel, just over all fed up of trying to fight. He guides me back into the bathroom and stands me in front of the mirror.

"Look at yourself Kurt, you are not fat. You are still the perfect man I fell in love with back in high school. And despite the complete idiot I've been the past six months or so, I honestly do still love you more than anything."

I so want to believe his words but for now I can't. After these past months I know it will take a while before I trust his words again. I feel Blaine's hands on my shirt asking for permission to move it. I nod, not trusting my own voice. He lifts my shirt, to a height that allows me to see my stomach and the beginning of my chest. It's a sight I don't like, as its part of the proof that I'm ugly and too fat. And somehow Blaine must know what I'm thinking because he starts speaking.

"This is not fat Kurt," he tells me gently placing his hands on my stomach, and I'm surprised I don't flinch at the contact. It's been that long. "Though it's not you either. You're too slim, your ribs are starting to show. What would you do if one of your models came to work this thin?" And that is a question I can answer promptly because it's something I've always been particular about.

"I'd tell them they don't have to be bone thin to model my designs. I want models that represent true people in society." In the mirror I catch Blaine's smile to my response and I'm not quite sure why but I don't question him on it.

"Would you tell them they were too fat, or too ugly to model for you?"

I quickly shake my head because I wouldn't dare of doing anything of the sort. "Of course I wouldn't, you should know that." I say honestly.

"Exactly and that's my point Kurt. You aren't fat, ugly or repulsive. You just need to step back and trust your own advice. You need to trust yourself and trust that right now after all the mistakes I've made that nearly cost me you, I wouldn't be lying to you."

"Okay," I say quietly, because maybe I don't trust him right now, but maybe I can learn to trust him again.

"Does that mean you'll stop worrying, at least for tonight, and let me take my husband out for dinner, just like we used to?" He asks and I can tell from his face that he really wants me to agree.

"Yes," I reply slowly pulling my shirt down and checking my hair because as I've said before if this is to work we both have to put in the effort. And maybe some would call me stupid but we've come through enough together to show our love is strong and is worth fighting for. So as Blaine offers me his hand, I take it, hoping we can start the process of rebuilding our lives together.


	23. Very Important Author Note

Author note:

This is just a little note from me that for many reasons the stories I have on here are being deleted and slowly put onto a new user name **story-of-our-life. **Anything that was a WIP will not be re-added until they have been completed my end, but every WIP I have going will at some point in the future be completed. Life has just taken so turns I didn't expect recently so a new profile seems the way to go


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